Following Jarryd Hayne’s announcement, there’s been gargantuan amounts of uninformed comment and speculation about ‘Murican Football.

I’m just going to get straight to it and add mine to the mix. Home teams first. Let’s begin.

New England ($1.20) versus NY Jets ($4.75)
New England are in a soft part of their schedule right now and welcoming the Jets to Foxborough is the perfect match-up to keep it all moving in the right direction. The loss of LB Jerod Mayonnaise could be huge, but Bill Belichick always finds a way to patch that D together. He reminds me of Winona Ryder in How to Make an American Quilt. Same enchanting eyes.

The Jets are a mess. Skinny Rex Ryan is in the gun for next coach fired and the Jets may have already turned their attention to next year’s quarterback crop in the draft. Don’t worry, I’ve already sent them an email letting them know Jarryd Hayne is available.

Tip: Patriots

Washington ($1.40) versus Tennessee ($3.09)
Washington put up an admirable fight last week despite going down to the Cards. Captain Kirk Cousins seems to have settled into his master and commander role after that abominable 4-pick performance a few weeks back.

With RGIII returning to practice this week, Captain Kirk needs a strong performance here to solidify his spot and if he turns in a dud it’ll be interesting to see who the congressmen elect as starter in the coming weeks.

On the flipside the Titans only just managed to beat Jacksonville last Sunday. They’re the football equivalent of a broken down hack singing country songs in a Nashville bar.

Both of these teams are already out of contention and the only amusing sidenote to the match-up is that somehow Tennessee currently has a better record than Washington.

Tip: Washington Professional Football Team

Jacksonville ($3.05) versus Cleveland ($1.40)
Damn you Brian Hoyer. The official dream-killer of the NFL is playing at a consistently high level for the Browns and, in doing so, is forcing Cash Money Manziel to keep riding the pine.

I bet Johnny Football sits on the bench every game day and imagines the other things he could be doing with his time. And I bet they all involve twenty dollar bills and Vegas.

The Bortler has done what Manziel couldn’t and managed to crack the starting line-up as a rookie quarterback. The problem is big Borts plays for the worst franchise in the NFL. It’s actually difficult to imagine a Jacksonville team ever being good.

When David Garrard is your idea of a top-level quarterback, as a club you know you’re in trouble.

I’m sticking with my #startJohnnyFootball boycott on Cleveland but man, sometimes you just need to admit when you’re wrong.

Tip: Jaguars

Indianapolis ($1.60) versus Cincinnati ($2.40)
Despite JJ Watt’s best efforts, the Professor and his ponies snuck over the line last Thursday night. On the long break, they’re back in the land of corn and Pacers to take on a Bengals team that has hit somewhat of a slump after a red-hot start.

Speaking of red, Sauce Dalton has missed AJ Green recently but after putting 37 on the board against Carolina the real issue for Cincy has been the decision made by the defence to stop playing football.

TY Hilton had a career day last Thursday and, although Indy continues to make a concerted effort to wreck drives by handing the ball off to Trent Richardson, the Prof will ensure that points are scored.

If Boomer’s team can muster even half the defensive performance that they put together through the first four weeks I give them a big chance on the road.

Tip: Bengals

Buffalo ($1.39) versus Minnesota ($3.11)
Last week Teddy B had a tough day at the office against a ferocious Lions D that a few people are talking about as being the best in the league. He was essentially thrown to the lions and sacked a kajillion times en-route to dishing up three INTs.

Such is the life of a rookie quarterback.

The Billies aren’t quite as scary as the Lions’ front but will suit up a reasonably stout defence this weekend. Meanwhile, The Pretender Dave Grohl has at least managed to get the ball into Sammy Watkins’ hands, which is more than can be said for EJ Manuel.

Fred Jackson is looking so lively this season it’s hard to believe he’s retired.

Tip: Bills

Chicago ($1.57) versus Miami ($2.49)
Who even are the Chicago Bears this season? After six weeks they’re 3-3 and easily the hardest team to get a read on thus far. Bi-polar is about the only term I can think of to describe them.

When it clicks, Mr Cavallari and the offense is one of the most highlight-reel worthy teams in the league. The problem is without any semblance of a capable defence, the Bears are limited in their ability to manage games – which is an essential part of modern NFL.

Miami were one play away from beating the Packers and only some A-Rodge magic with seconds to spare sent them home as losers. It’s hard to be compelled by Ray Finkle’s old team though.

They put in good ol’ ‘Murican effort every week and sometimes they win but more often they lose. Cameron Wake has been immense on the defensive side of the ball while Tannehill continues to exist on the same plane as the majority of quarterbacks in the league – mediocre with a hot wife.

Tip: Bears

Detroit ($1.71) versus New Orleans ($2.19)
Rock City is getting mean. Ansah and that old cuddle bear Suh up front should scare any opposing quarterback. For Isiah Thomas fans the issue continues to be Matt Stafford flubbing his way through games against decent teams without the Megatron.

The Lions D will keep them in any game they play and there’s nothing to suggest the Saints attack will pose a particularly significant problem this week but if the Detroit offense can’t muster something resembling a decent drive, this game is likely to go down to the wire.

The Lions will surely hope that’s not the case. They’re desperately in need of a new kicker even after acquiring Matt Prater last week. Don’t worry, I’ve already sent them an email letting them know Jarryd Hayne is available.

Tip: Lions

Baltimore ($1.33) versus Atlanta ($3.47)
Once in a while Joe Flaccid plays like a quarterback earning ten billion dollars should. Last week was one of those weeks. Steve Smith Sr continues to give the proverbial middle finger to his old employer by putting up ridiculous numbers for a man 10 billion years old and that the MLB they drafted this year.

He’s going to be alright.

Atlanta continue to look like a team who put too much effort into being on this season’s Hard Knocks – hair and makeup takes time guys – and not enough into the sport of ‘Murican football.

Having a dearth of talent on the defensive side of the ball doesn’t help but I’d expected more from Matty Ice, JuJo and the ugliest receiver on the planet Roderick White. During pre-season, head coach Mike Smith preached ‘Tough but Smart’ football. The Falcons are playing neither tough nor smart and I wouldn’t be surprised if Smitty is looking for a new job next year.

Tip: Ravens

St Louis ($3.21) versus Seattle ($1.37)
Through six weeks the Rams have posted the lowest sack count in recorded history, so whatever pressure Rusty was feeling last week to put up a sub-50 quarterback rating will be lifted from his shoulders as his best friend this Sunday will be Father Time.

College football’s best coach will appreciate the vacation down to Missouri to get his players back in the winner’s circle, although some injuries to key Seahawks is sure to have him a little nervous.

Austin Davis continues to be my fourth favourite rookie quarterback getting around in the NFL. I have full faith he’ll be running the Greatest Show on Turf 2.0 at some point in the future, although probably not in St Louis.

On a semi-related note, why have the Rams gone back to that awful shade of purple in their uniform? Watching them now makes me want to be even sicker than usual.

Tip: Seahawks

San Diego ($1.46) versus Kansas City ($2.81)
The Cyborg Philly Riv is going to beat up on the KC BBQ eaters. Am I the only one who falls asleep thinking about the Chiefs. They’re the least interesting team in the NFL. Besides, not even Kansas City cares about the Chiefs this weekend.

Go Royals!

Tip: Chargers

Oakland ($2.52) versus Arizona ($1.55)
How fun to watch is Oakland and Derek Carr? Despite not having won a game this year the Raiders have been surprisingly competitive in most of their games.

They’re onto their second coach for the season after they left Dennis Allen at Heathrow and although the franchise will be lucky to pick up two wins over the course of the year there are plenty of things to like about the superior Carr brother.

Gee, I like Arizona this year. They just keep finding ways to win. The King of Late Night Carson Palmer returned to guide the dirty birds to a win over Washington last week and even with the loss of CC Babcock on defence, Patty Pete and the swarming secondary have the talent to get the job done.

With Larry Fitz and Duke Ellington on offense ‘Zona are one of my top-3 favourite teams to watch this season and as long as Logan Thomas isn’t standing under centre for them on any given Sunday they’ll be a chance for the dubya.

Tip: Cardinals

Dallas ($1.35) versus NY Giants ($3.33)
Time to put my hand up and admit I was wrong…ha, unlikely! Sure, Tone Rome and ‘Murica’s team might have notched up a victory against Seattle, but if they keep doing what they’re doing DeMarco Murray will be running on stumps by Week 12.

I’ve got nothing pithy to say about that pass rush against Rusty though, that was impressive!

Big Blue got absolutely pumped by Philly last week and there was nothing they could do about taking the big donut. Will Eli and the Roadwarriorz!™ make a comeback this week in Jerry Jones’ house?

Doubtful, but they’ll need a big dose of the running game to even be in with a chance. Lucky they’ve got Peyton Hillis on the books.

Tip: ‘Murica’s Team

Green Bay ($1.31) versus Carolina ($3.60)
A-Rodge versus SuperCam! Jordy versus Steve Sr! Clay versus Luke! This is ‘Murican football folks, none of these players are actually competing with each other directly.

Looks nice on paper though. This game is all about which team’s defence can play the worst. They’ve both put up pretty great terrible showings this year so it’s a hard game to call.

The Panthers are starting to feel the pinch of a thin roster and will need more than a few breaks to go their way in Wisconsin. A million screaming cheeseheads will probably get Green Bay over the line but they’re severely in need of a running back with Laces and Starkers putting up very ordinary performances of late.

Don’t worry, I’ve already sent them an email letting them know Jarryd Hayne is available.

Tip: Packers

Denver ($1.33) versus San Francisco ($3.47)
To think that this was nearly last year’s Superbowl game. It wouldn’t be ridiculous to suggest the Broncos go undefeated for the remainder of the season. I’ve stopped tuning into their games because they’re just methodical in the way they grind their opposing teams into nothingness.

Peyton Manning will rewrite another stat in the quarterback history book this weekend if he throws three TDs and who’d bet against that happening with the way they’re playing?

ColKap and the Bay Boys were asleep for the first quarter last week before rolling over the top of the Rams which is not in itself a particularly significant achievement. Their defence has struggled without Bowman and Willis on the field at the same time and it’s still a coin flip as to which version of ColKap you’re going to see in any given week.

There’ll be oxygen tanks all-round on the 49ers sideline this week in the rarefied air of Mile High. No chance Bay Boys.

Tip: Broncos

Pittsburgh ($1.57) versus Houston ($2.48)
JJ Watt on MNF. Oh boy. The only reason to watch a Texans game is JJ Watt. Make him quarterback you drunk Houstonite fools, he’s your only hope.

Apparently Clowney might get some snaps Monday Night too, wouldn’t that be novel, for the first overall pick in the draft to actually play some football.

Tip: Steelers

Happy punting and god bless ‘Murica!

For more idiocy follow me on Twitter: @brinpaulsen