In a pseudo-exclusive, operatives from The Roar have intercepted a genuine fake of the open letter from Jarryd Hayne that called an audible on his plans to be a career Eel.
While a more thoughtful, heartfelt and heavily edited version was eventually posted on the Parramatta website by the departing fullback, there was an original draft copy penned that was deemed ‘whack’ by management, and it was subsequently blitzed before it could make it in to the backfield.
Reports state that Hayne was in a highly emotional state at the time of its writing, a factor evidenced by the many attempts in the letter to ease fluid out of a high number of targets.
Due to the sensitivity of the situation for everyone involved, minders made the decision to completely rehash the abomination in to something more consumer-friendly, leaving the original copy to be lazily deleted in to a non-encrypted and publicly-accessible trashcan on the club’s hard drive.
Now thanks to some fine rushing on the network’s defences by the backroom nerds at The Roar, here it is for your consumption.
Dear Blue and Gold Army,
For the past 24 months I’ve been thinking about having a crack in the NFL, and over the last 12 months I’ve been seriously considering it.
Now with the Four Nations to be dodged, and the ‘bung shoulder’ excuse being used to death by my Kangaroo colleagues, I’m trumping all of the other lazy attempts at a tournament leave-pass by simply defecting to another sport. Touché, boys!
Yes, this is an official announcement that I am donning a jockstrap and a Stackhat and heading overseas to pursue an NFL contract. This will surely come as a surprise to you all – not only the fact that I’m nicking off, but also that Buzz Rothfield hit the mark with a scoop this morning. It truly is a watershed day.
Thanks to the fine negotiation skills of my manager and the generosity of the Parramatta board, an agreement has been reached allowing me to activate the YOLO clause in the game of life.
This means I have been granted a conditional release to travel overseas somewhere other than Auckland, and that I can return to the NRL at any time, provided it is only with this magnificent club.
This safety net provided by the Eels is a wonderful gesture that I will forever be grateful for. It’s an arrangement that has been received positively by all parties involved, except for the bloke with the calculator who has to fit me back under the cap if this thing bombs.
Obviously, this decision will have immediate ramifications, most notably my withdrawal from the Kangaroos side for the upcoming internationals.
To Tim Sheens and the rest of the Holden Cup boys in camp, I would like to apologise and assure you that missing this wedged-in, non-descript, made-for-television tournament will be a bitter pill to swallow. I’ll be cheering you on to victory and wishing that I could be there with you all, ruling myself out with an injured shoulder.
Additionally, another extremely tough aspect of my decision to head overseas is undoubtedly leaving behind all of the beautiful Blue and Gold people who have supported me over the years.
You’ve been there beside me for the highs and lows, the 2009s and the Ricky Stuarts, and stood 485-deep in the queue for beer at a Parramatta Stadium bar that hasn’t been upgraded since 1985, sometimes while us lads were being spanked on the adjacent field by opposition teams full of our own juniors. I truly love youse all.
I know I leave you all unexpectedly, but I firmly believe the club is in a happy place under the fine coaching of Brad Arthur and the homely eyebrows of Tim Mannah. I’m adamant that I leave the organisation in a better place than when I found it, but to be fair, this wasn’t difficult considering my first brush with the club was a junior skills session run by Paul Carige.
I hope you all understand that the lure to chase my dreams is too great to resist. The desire to experience first-hand the elite athleticism and kidney-mashing brutality of American Football is something I’ve dreamed about since the first time I clocked Madden ’95 as a kid.
Ever since that 36-hour session on the console, stuffing my face with Cheetos and ignoring considerable urges to go to the toilet, I’ve always had the goal to someday be spectacularly belted down on to astro-turf for foreign currency. So with the AUD strutting, cheap airfares, and a body that should be able to effectively deal with organ trauma, what better time than now?
However, I must acknowledge this is the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I’m leaving my teammates and family behind, but in a positive, I will be looking up Matt Petersen as soon as I touch down. He once captained the Tomahawks and he starred in Encino Man, so he’s gotta be around somewhere.
This challenge will require all of my willpower and dedication, however I believe I’ve got the genetic makeup to not only be a success in the sport, but to also withstand the horrifically bad dieting habits that inevitably develop in a person when residing in America.
Provided my manager doesn’t put me up somewhere near a Taco Bell, I know I will have the strength and determination to conquer the sacrifices required to succeed. I just have to dodge those burritos. Jarryd’s got a weakness for spicy mince.
So once again, to all of my Eels people, the board and the staff, I would like to thank you for all of the great memories over the years. Don’t forget to always chase your dreams, follow your hearts and avoid third-party deals at all costs.
Lots of love,
The Plane
Benji Marshall is unfazed that Penrith are eyeing Wests Tigers gun Stefano Utoikamanu as a possible replacement for the outgoing James Fisher-Harris. Ahead of…
Des Hasler has been forced into another spine reshuffle with Tanah Boyd recalled to the first grade squad for Saturday's game against Manly after…
James Tedesco will be free for the next game of the Sydney Roosters' inconsistent NRL campaign after escaping suspension for tripping Ryan Papenhuyzen. The…
Like most clubs, the Brisbane Broncos have had their fair share of big boppers over the years, many of them legends of the game.…
Friday night’s clash between Parramatta and the Dolphins is likely to be a hot one – and not just because the game is being…
Who are the hardest working big men in the NRL?
