What a wonderful week of ‘Murican football it was. Peyton beat Sextin’ Brett’s touchdown record. The Rams ran the most entertaining fake punt play of the season.

Bortler and the Jags won a game, Brian Hoyer’s chickens finally came home to roost and Eli hit new levels of bummery.

The Big Dawg hit 11 from 15 last week and is edging closer and closer to a perfect round.

Will Week 8 be the week? Unlikely, as this week I’ve gone for an unprecedented 10 away teams. Without doubt this is foolishness – of Pauly Shore proportions.

Home teams first. Let’s begin.

Denver ($1.25) versus San Diego ($4.10)
After suffering a tough loss to KC, it’s not ideal for the Bolts to have to strap on the oxygen tanks and make the trek up to Mile High to take on the scoring-est quarterback in the history of humanity.

The Chargers face a Broncos team for whom the game of football is just too damn easy.

The Cyborg Philly Riv lost a few bolts on the weekend and it will be interesting to see if the Chargers can make any serious inroads against the Broncos this week. Von Miller and DeMarcus Ware were ferocious last week, combining for five sacks and nearly knocking ColKap’s tiny head off his shoulders.

Tip: Broncos

Atlanta ($2.61) versus Detroit ($1.52)
The Hard Knocks curse continues. Atlanta heads into Week 8 at a dismal 2-5, wondering how their season made it down the toilet so fast.

The mind boggling thing is that they’re still in the playoff hunt because the NFC South is a huge suckfest. A clear lack of talent on the defensive side of the football doesn’t help the Falcons cause but Matty Ice and the O have been mediocre at best.

While Matthew of the Stafford variety has been mediocre too, he’s had the fortune of playing on offense for a team with the best D in the league.

The Lions have been able to overcome Stafford’s pathetic quarterback play and the absence of Megatron to drag Rock City to 5-2, atop the NFC North.

The Falcons will need something special from Jujo and Roderick to be competitive in this one but I’m more confident that Ndamukong Suh will eat Matty Ice’s face.

Tip: Lions

Tampa Bay ($1.65) versus Minnesota ($2.29)
Sometimes games of ‘Murican football make me so depressed I feel the need to watch JJ Watt highlight packages to feel better about life. This is one of those games.

At best, we’ll get to see Teddy Bridgewater have a nice game and catch a glimpse of the kind of joy that future Teddy might bring to Emilio Estevez fans one day.

At worst we see two below-average teams fumble through a football game, get flagged fifty times for various technically inept things and turn the TV off wondering how we could get that three hours of life back.

It’s going to be sunny this weekend people. Go to the beach.

Tip: Vikings

NY Jets ($1.67) versus Buffalo ($2.26)
Watching the would-be game winning field goal get blocked on the last play of the game against the Pats almost made me feel bad for Skinny Fat Rex.

It’s been a tough year for Jets fans, tougher than watching Dirty Sanchez at quarterback even, but the bookies saw enough life from Team Green last week to put them up as favourites in this one against the Billies.

Me personally, I’m on Dave Grohl to channel Jim Kelly and provide Buffalo with a level of success that falls just short of satisfactory.

With EJ Manuel at the helm, beating the Jets was something that Billies fans never used to dream was possible but I have faith. Buffalo can move the ball on the ground and Grohl has been serviceable under centre. That’s all you need to beat the Jets.

Tip: Bills

New England ($1.40) versus Chicago ($3.09)
The Patriots are the worst 5-2 team in football. Sure they still have Tommy Boy and Belichik but this is a football team that will struggle when it comes up against some serious competition. Fortunately for them, they play the Bears this week.

The Bears are the most bipolar team in all of football, capable of incredible highs and soul destroying lows. They absolutely, 100 per cent cannot defend, so the heights that they scale are based upon an offense that has relied way too much on outlet passes to Matt Forte. When you have three receivers who are over 11-feet tall and your RB leads the league in receptions, something is very wrong.

Tip: Patriots

Carolina ($3.00) versus Seattle ($1.41)
What the hell Pete Carroll? Stop focussing so much whether Jarryd Hayne will play for your team and start coaching Rusty Wilson on how to be a quarterback again.

Getting rolled by ‘Murica’s team at home is embarrassing enough but losing to the Rams. Srsly?

I’m not sure that getting rid of Percy Harvin will be the fix-all that no one thinks it will be but what I do know is if the Seahawks can’t get any inside pressure than the Legion of Boom are going to keep looking pretty ordinary against the pass.

It’ll be interesting to see whether Ron Rivera dials up a few designed scrambles for SuperCam in this one. He’s got the wheels to make things happen and while Kelvin Benjamin is looking like an exceedingly useful rookie, the Panthers don’t even have a semblance of a rushing attack.

Tip: Seahawks

Jacksonville ($3.17) versus Miami ($1.38)
What’s that? I had faith in the Bortler last week when the Jags got it done against that useless quarterback Hoyer and was the only person in the world who tipped Jacksonville?

Yeah, that’s right, that was me. I did also tip Cincy to beat Indianapolis so it’s probably best not to put too much stock, or actual money, into these things.

So, will there be a repeat performance from Bortman and co. this week? I highly doubt it. The battle of Florida for the inaugural Tony Montana Coke Bowl will be taken out but Philbin and the Phins on the back of superior pass-rushing play from Cameron Wake and mediocre quarterback play by Ryan Tannehill.

Tip: Dolphins

Cincinnati ($1.92) versus Baltimore ($1.92)
The bookies have this one as a coinflip game in what has turned into the toughest division in football. These two teams met in week one and the Bengals took out a close one 23-16. The Ravens haven’t allowed another team to score more than 21 against them since.

The last time the Bengals stopped a team from scoring 27 points or more was Week 3 against the Titans. Joe Flaccid is enjoying having Steve Smith Sr to throw to and more generally the Ravens have spent the last few weeks beating up on whoever is in front of them. There’s little to suggest that will change this week.

Tip: Ravens

Kansas City ($1.28) versus St Louis ($3.85)
St Louis can’t get no respect. All that the raddest dude on the planet Austin Davis and the Rams did last week was go out and beat last year’s Superbowl champs with one of the wackiest fake punt plays ever.

Nothing special, just the usual… And they’re still listed as friendless outsiders against the Chiefs.

Yeah I guess that the BBQ eaters did manage to get the job done over Philly Riv and the Chargers, which is an impressive feat in itself but it’s hard to root for a team that has Mr Vanilla – Alex Smith – at quarterback.

Tip: Chiefs

Tennessee ($2.07) versus Houston ($1.79)
What a stinker this is going to be. As magnificent as Charlie Whitehurst’s hair is and as much fun as JJ Watt is to watch, I just can’t believe that anyone is going to sit through three hours of this kinda garbage.

I’d recommend skipping it and watching the highlights afterwards. They will almost certainly include JJ Watt scoring a ridiculous defensive touchdown, Andre Johnson making spectacular catches on terrible throws from their drunk Irish quarterback, and with any luck, seeing Whitehurst’s hair blowing in the Nashville breeze while he rides the pine and yet another rookie quarterback – in this case Zach Mettenberger – getting some playing time.

Tip: Texans

Arizona ($1.71) versus Philadelphia ($2.18)
The battle of the dirty birds is easily the game of the round. Two 5-1 teams who both need the dubya to stay in contention in very competitive divisions. Carson Palmer is the new old Kurt Warner and ‘Zona fans are feeling pretty lucky that they won’t be seeing too much Logan Thomas in the near future.

Hot Chip Kelly continues to get production out of Nick Foles and it will be fascinating to see how the Eagles rushing offense matches up against the stingy Cardinals D. The Philly boys have the benefit of coming off the long run-up after a bye last week so you can expect them to hit the ground running. There will be points.

Tip: Cardinals

Cleveland ($1.32) versus Oakland ($3.50)
Hoyer’s honeymoon period finally came to an end last week when the Browns somehow found a way to do what no other team has done this season and lost to the Bortler and his FloRiders. To make matters worse, the offensive line started decomposing to the point that Johnny Greco, brother of Richard, is now playing offensive tackle for the Browns.

If looks could kill, Brian Hoyer would be ten feet under right now and the rightful heir Johnny Football would be in the lead role. Manziel is one ugly dude.

The Oakey-Doke raiders went down to a stingy Cardinals team but should have a slightly easier time of things against the Browns. Derek Carr has the tools to build around; it’s just a shame that Oakland seems incapable of progressing as a franchise in any meaningful way. Boycott Cleveland.

#StartJohnnyFootball.

Tip: Raiders

Pittsburgh ($2.28) versus Indianapolis ($1.66)
How foolish was I last week tipping against the Professor? Very. The Ponies walked all over Sauce Dalton and Starvin Marvin’s Bengals enroute to a shutout.

It may be a slightly more strenuous task trying to get over the top of a Pittsburgh team with Ben Cheeseburger at the helm and Antonio Brown out wide, who has to be considered as one of the best receivers in the league this season.

Dinger Bell is running the ball effectively, something that Big Trent can only dream about. Seriously, the guy must have footage of Jim Irsay doing even more illegal things because the dude just shouldn’t be on the field.

Steeltown locals might be in for a long afternoon though, as the Pittsburgh pass rush is basically non-existent and when the Professor has time, it’s over.

Tip: Colts

New Orleans ($1.80) Green Bay ($2.05)
How can an A-Rodge-led Green Bay team be outsiders against a Drew Brees-led Saints team? All A-Rodge has done recently is kick many varieties of ass and win games with seconds to go.

He doesn’t even seem to mind that his defence has stopped playing football and that the running game doesn’t make any yardage, as long as he’s got Corncob and Jordy the dubyas will keep stacking up.

The Bourbon Street locals have nothing going on this year. They’ve got Drewbee, Khiry, and Marques Colston playing in a Weekend at Bernie’s type role at wideout. Even under the dome at home I can’t believe that they’re favourites to win.

Tip: Packers

Dallas ($1.19) versus Washington ($4.95)
I think it’s about time that ‘Murica’s team’s O-Line got a nickname. DeMarco Murray is a beast between the sidelines, becoming the first player in history to notch up seven consecutive 100-yard games to begin the season, but at what point do we acknowledge that even Trent Richardson would be piling up yards behind these road graders?

Something like ‘Jerry’s Angels’ has a nice ring to it and Doug Free’s hair is at Farrah Fawcett levels.

Interestingly, with Murray in the final year of his rookie deal, is it that outrageous to think that Dallas are just using him up physically, ready to cast his broken body aside next year irrespective of this year’s output?

Jerry Jones would never be that heartless, right?

Tip: Cowboys