With Australian rugby lurching through one of its lowest ever periods, and the Kurtley Beale code of conduct hearing throwing up as many new questions as answers, focus from media and fans is increasingly turning towards Australian Rugby CEO Bill Pulver.
Lest Pulver be misunderstood, misinterpreted or unfairly judged, here is Pulver in his own words; verbatim quotes from the public domain, collated over the period of his tenure as CEO.
To assist the reader, attached to each quotation is an explanation, ie what Bill really meant.
What Bill Pulver said;
“Well, I’m accountable for Australian rugby and I accept that totally”
What he really meant;
Thanks Hirdy for letting me use that one.
“This matter relates to Kurtley Beale allegedly distributing what we consider highly inappropriate and deeply offensive text messages and images to a number of people in June, referencing an ARU staff member”
Hands down the most useful word in the English language… “allegedly”.
“Literally five weeks ago, the Wallabies had won seven games in a row.”
Note to self, must schedule more games against Vanuatu and Iceland in-between All Blacks Tests.
“Ultimately, my position involves being a custodian for the game and I’m very concerned about the image of the game,”
That’s why I’m delighted that Kurtley is free to rejoin the Wallabies, which means that Izzy won’t walk.
“I’m actually not a big fan of changing coaches regularly. So I’m not happy we’ve had three, but I’m very happy with the one I have now.”
I was actually talking about my Range Rover.
“The investigation into the argument on the plane has become a secondary matter in recent days, with our focus diverted to these new allegations. We will finalise the investigation into the in-flight argument in due course.”
Now that Kurtley’s wangled his way out of the texting charge I’ll be ramping this one up again quick smart.
“I’d like to thank Nick and Jim for their significant contribution to Australian Rugby.”
And for agreeing not to lodge an unfair dismissal claim…
“A recent review found we need to introduce a senior position into the Wallabies’ off-field structure to provide additional leadership and general management duties.”
Another layer of management should be enough to keep Georgina Robinson off my case.
“I’m talking about the media primarily, what I have seen over the last two weeks of character assassination of Ewen McKenzie and all the commentary around Di Patston I think has been extremely disappointing. Unfounded, unwanted and unfair is how I would describe it.”
The media are a disgrace. Except for when they leak the stuff we give them.
“I wish Ewen well for the future professionally and personally”.
Mate, I’ll be around at your place in the morning to help you with the removalist.
“The next coach must be someone who can lead us to victory in next year’s Rugby World Cup; represents R\eugby’s core values; has the support of the playing group; and is available”.
Geez, I hope I didn’t slip up there and describe Alan Jones…
“He’s a phenomenal talent. He could well be on a path to being the best rugby player in the world. He could be on a path to being the most significant rugby player in Australian history. He’s an incredible talent. Fans gravitate towards the guy and he lights up whatever field he runs on to.”
Sorry did I say Ben Alexander? I meant Israel Folau.
“Ultimately, that will come down to a negotiation process that I really can’t predict.”
Izzy might ask for $2 million per annum or $3 million, it’s all in the lap of the gods.
“While we’re making progress, we still have lots of work to do to ensure we can build a financially sustainable future.”
I buy a System 11 Powerball every week. Surely we have to win the damn thing soon!
“SANZAR modelled and considered a number of wide-ranging competition options and representatives from all unions, negotiated in the right spirit – one of collaboration and respect for the needs of all countries involved. This is a process that always involves some give and take and that has happened in recent months.”
That’s how SANZAR works. South Africa gives it, Australia bends over and takes it.
“We also want to make sure the fans of rugby get to know our players in a more fun and personable way. We realise that the players are our stars and it is important for rugby followers to get to know the players on and off the field.”
It’s great that our players feel comfortable and willing to send text messages directly to fans and support staff. Anything they think is funny is probably fine.
“Stay tuned for some entertaining TV commercials and social media activities during the Tests against France, Bledisloe Cup and the Rugby Championship.”
If only we’d run commercials throughout the second Test against France instead of having to sit through that rubbish.
“Players are the key to our game – they’re the people who perform for fans, engage our fans and create the magic of a great game of rugby.
“So we need to take care of our players”
As soon as Kurtley’s $45k fine hits the tin I’ll refund him the exact amount straight back in Hungry Jacks vouchers and phone cards.
“In most businesses, people are one of the biggest costs, and we’ve made some tough decisions that have impacted people in the past 12 months or so.”
I instructed the bar manager at HQ to remove all Hendricks gin and replace it with Gordons, and I immediately received three resignations from high ranking ARU officials.
“Having a clear pathway is really important, because it will ultimately generate more successful national teams in the longer term.
“I would also add that the pathway has been created not only with players in mind, but coaches and match officials, because it’s important that we create pathways for them as well.”
Especially coaches. The rate we’re going we’ll be clean out of them in six months. Then what would we do? Let the players coach themselves? Hang on a minute…
“I’d be very disappointed if this competition didn’t at least break even in 2014 and I think we have a real opportunity moving forward to make money out of this competition,”
Ok, I’ll admit it. I’d love to be CEO of the AFL
“Quade has an agreement in place which does allow him to participate in that (boxing). My personal preference would be he’s not stepping into a ring but it is what it is.”
But I have the champagne ready on ice for when he gets the living suitcase smacked out of him.
“There’s no question in my mind that elite athletes don’t go out drinking after midnight on the week of a Test match, period.”
Which is why Ben Alexander was exempted from disciplinary action.
“Ewen has started with a focus discipline and he’s evolved that into trying to develop the right culture within the team.”
Starting with respect for the coach.
“I’m 53 years old and I think I have finally discovered what I think I want to do with my life.”
Pour myself a Pimms on ice and read David Lord’s articles on The Roar.
“To be absolutely clear… Robbie will be coaching the Wallabies right through 2013.”
I meant the financial year, not the calendar year.
And finally… on the Sydney Convicts winning the World Cup for gay rugby;
“We are equally excited by it and not the least of which because we got our hot little hands on a World Cup trophy. Right now, New Zealand hold the men’s world rugby cup, the women’s World Cup, the men’s sevens and the women’s sevens – they have got the four major trophies of world rugby – so I’m delighted that we will get our hands on that one.”
When I play poker, queen high always beats a full house.
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