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Melbourne Cup 2014: Horse names form guide

3rd November, 2014
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Punters are back for big days of racing at the New Zealand derby. (AFP PHOTO / WILLIAM WEST)
Expert
3rd November, 2014
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It’s Melbourne Cup day, and as per usual, you’ve got nothing. Sure, when it comes to smashing barbecue chook and plastic cups of plonk while you try to look busy at work, you’re the Kenny Callander of the shebang.

Unfortunately though, as for that more critical aspect of the day – making sensible decisions on the punt – you’re about as useful as John Daly at the craps table.

Full 2014 Melbourne Cup results and live blog here

You can admit it though, this is because you think horses are for patting and police on the beat. This usually means you’ll hold the form guide up the wrong way, wonder how the officials will bury that dead track and ponder where on its back that a horse will fit a hoop.

Looking for a form guide that isn’t based on a laugh? Here is our preview and top tips.

Take solace though, as this relatively unimportant once-yearly issue is one suffered by many Australians, including myself. That’s why we keep it simple, stay away from the finer details and stick to a selection process that can’t be dulled by champagne- and that’s picking a winner with crude basics.

More 2014 Melbourne Cup:
» Preview and top tips
» Alfred Chan’s individual horse analysis and tips
» Andrew Hawkins ultimate Melbourne Cup preview
» PREDICTION: Signoff to win the Melbourne Cup
» Full field and odds
» Historical form analysis for 2014 Melbourne Cup
» Latest news, field and odds updates

Thankfully for you, the friendly string-pullers at The Roar have commissioned such wallet-bruising idiocy to help out the day’s slack and naïve. So if you’re one of us, don’t sweat it- here’s your lazy guide to picking a winner, meaning you probably won’t win a penny, but at least you’ll be first past the post in the ignorance stakes!

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Life-changing certainties

Precedence: A New Zealander based in Australia, so no precedence being set here. Assuming it’s Bondi-based so sure to be packing an awesome rig and a gut full of Kale smoothies.

Fawkner: Different surname spelling and life form from cricketing brother James, but if he sledges like him, the field will be encumbered with spray.

Lucia Valentina: Third place at the Caulfield Cup and sounds like someone who your girlfriend would leave you for.

Mutual Regard: Googled this thing and it turns out it’s either a little-known insurance company operating out of Dunedin, or a horse. Hidden in mystery, so should be generously priced.

Who Shot Thebarman: Will be running for his life on a day like Melbourne Cup day.

Unchain My Heart and Cavalryman: Anything that Joe Cocker and Billy Joel want to sing about has got to mean something. Though Cavalryman has been scratched, so make of that what you will.

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Life-ruining flops

Admire Rakti: Favourite, but also carrying the most mass. Sorry, but I’m not confident in anything trucking the Kyle Sandilands of jockeys.

Araldo: Coming from barrier 24, so Araldon’t.

Protectionist: European beauty named after the German bootleg of ‘The Specialist’, a B-grade production where Rainier Wolfcastle’s shower scene was described as ‘uber wunderbar’. Long shot.

My Ambivalent: Indecisive. And Irish too. Reasonable chance that it may run the wrong way around the track.

Signoff: Won the Lexus Stakes on Derby Day, and as per the name, has scribbled on the dotted line for 2014. Was sighted in Collins Street with half a bottle of Yellowglen on Monday arvo, asking anyone for a light.

Willing Foe: It’s a typo. Correctly spelt as ‘Willing Faux.’

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Au Revoir: Back it, and then say it to your cash, as well as your high heels and your dignity.

Brambles and Lidari: A couple of Peter Moody nags that remind you of the law firm that represented you when you were arrested for public nudity. You walked free, so they owe you nothing.

Mr O’Ceirin: Good luck pronouncing this after fifteen Crownies.

Junoob: An Arabic word meaning ‘South’.

Each-way fence-sitters

Red Cadeaux: Perennial bridesmaid. If you’re a fan of Brian Smith, put everything on the nose and prepare for that familiar feeling.

Seismos and Royal Diamond: Pair of Irish nags that could be your lucky charm, but could also go down like a sack of potatoes.

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Gatewood: Soap-dodging Pom with a tendency to get stuck in the mud. For blue skies only.

Opinion: The Roar holds no personal view, attitude, judgment, belief or appraisal of this entrant.

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