“My car’s totaled, it’s all his fault and he has absolutely no money to pay me. So the judge decrees that he becomes my butler.”
These are the famous words of one George Costanza. When it comes to innovative, effective and sensible methods for punishing a misdemeanour, he’s a man who knows what’s up.
His lame idea for a pilot sitcom showed that there is more out there than the usual tried-and-tested methods for penalty and retribution, despite the tired handcuffing of ‘community standards’ and ‘law’.
Inexplicably, Costanza’s excellent philosophy for justice has yet to catch on in wider society. Nobody knows why, but rumour says it’s mainly due to complications with common sense and the difficulties associated with using a fictional scenario to set a precedent.
However, the progressive world of pro basketball knows no such bounds. They have adopted the style, as evidenced by the swift action this week of the Utah Jazz in smacking the rebellious backsides of Boomers ballers Dante Exum and Joe Ingles.
When the two rookie ‘Auwwsies’ were caught red-handed in the act of committing one of the most appalling crimes in team sports – not wearing your pink Disney-branded backpack to team training – the Jazz playing roster threw out the law book and creatively sentenced the pair to ensure this abominable act would never be repeated.
The medicine? As if there was a short, stocky bald man playing point guard, Exum and Ingles were condemned to time as additional butlers on the Jazz private plane.
It was here they served up caviar and foot massages to their much bigger and richer teammates while they dealt with the inconvenience of an aisle seat adjacent to the cockpit, and more importantly, the turbulence of a lesson learnt.
Back in Australia, I’m hoping this lesson by hoops has been noticed by the NRL, that blinkered organisation who unshakably sticks to the straight and narrow when it comes to doling out a grounding.
Unlike David Smith and his crew of deputies, those animation-devoted basketballers didn’t unimaginatively use the old limp fine, weak suspension or dozy training course for a boo-boo, and all parties came out happy in the wash.
Even more pertinent to this, you can guarantee that Exum and Ingles will never ever put a foot wrong in life again, let alone mislay branded luggage or overlook frivolous inter-team constitution.
So why doesn’t the NRL do the same and think outside the box with some funky usage of the proverbial cane?
After enduring a history of predictable attempts at reform that have continually set new standards of buffoonery and self-slaughter, they could do a lot worse than follow the actions of the Utah Jazz and Jason Alexander’s script.
Just look at some of the mismanaged debacles from recent times. What about Paul Gallen’s smackdown of manners and autocorrect?
After the NRL props him with $80k of support for his ASADA legal fees, the Sharks icon calls them a bunch of ‘see you next Tuesdays’ in a sloppy Tweet from vacation. In response, they knock $50k off his tab and label it as a big smack.
Pub raffle fiscal management aside, it’s a flimsy attempt to punish that fails embarrassingly when the unrepentant Gallen announces he intends to challenge the decision. Would this have happened if they had just banned his phone privileges and restricted him to using a Nokia 3810 fitted with a breathalyser? I think not.
Then there was the Titans salary cap breach – another fine and the docking of competition points. Boring!
For a club that overspends on a roster that plays like One.Tel stocks, they would’ve been much better served with a lesson on sound business principles from Banker Smith himself, with special attention given to the identification of effective assets, the danger of depreciating stock and the concept of money.
Then there’s fining the Bulldogs $20k for a late entry to the playing arena on grand final day. What’s the point?
One of the league’s richest clubs met the penalty with the emptying of two poker machines at Canterbury Leagues. The NRL was financially bullied when they could’ve saved face and tailored the solution by just shouting them an alarm clock or a chaperone.
Konrad Hurrell’s $5000 fine? Debacle.
Sure, he’s toed the line ever since, but once the cash was converted in to AUD from New Zealand dollars, it was barely enough to cover the costs of emailing him the breach notice. It would’ve been a more harder-hitting and cost-effective exercise in education to simply force him to break records on Daytona while somebody tried to replace the bolts under the seat.
See what I mean? The NRL’s heart is in the right place, but it’s their head that they are bashing against the wall, and the results show that the system needs overhauling.
They need to look to trailblazers like the Jazz and Costanza and break the mould on textbook deterrents, because fines are just a PR exercise, bans are a holiday, and education courses an opportunity to sleep off a cocktail flu.
I decree that rugby league just needs more butlers.
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All the team list information for Round 8.
