Records, they say, were made to be broken. That is a saying which demonstrates a faith in the deterministic nature of the universe which simply is not supported by available scientific evidence.
Still, it is certainly true that in sport, the most compelling moments often arrive when a record is broken, and nowhere is this more true than in cricket, a game in which the stat-obsessed mind can frolic like a playful lamb in a fragrant meadow.
But cricket is also a game for patriots, and the true Australian cricket fan, such as me and James Brayshaw, derives some of the most intense pleasure from seeing his local heroes hold records of note.
Over the years, Australian record-lovers have been blessed with some extremely prestigious landmarks. Don Bradman’s average, for example, is unlikely to be exceeded any time soon. Shane Warne’s record of most Test wickets by a non-Darrell Hair-upsetting bowler is a titanic achievement.
Then there are the winning streaks of Steve Waugh and Ricky Ponting’s teams.
And who could forget the week that Matt Hayden held the highest Test score record? Or the similarly brief but giddy period in which Adam Gilchrist had the benchmark for fastest double century?
And there’s the dark side of a passion for records – it turns sour when your champions are usurped. Brian Lara beating Hayden, Nathan Astle conquering Gilchrist, even Ian Botham passing Dennis Lillee: the habit of being broken that records tend to have can be awfully frustrating.
What’s more, in modern times Australia has fallen well behind in the record-setting stakes, apart from dubious ones like the recent unpleasantness in the UAE, where Michael Clarke’s team set a new record for cricket-induced clinical depression; or the Ashes of 2010-11 when a new mark was set for generosity to Alastair Cook.
But when it comes to records of the positive kind, other countries are racing streets ahead of our own lads. In Abu Dhabi, Misbah-ul-Haq equalled Viv Richards’s long-standing fastest hundred mark – a pill all the more bitter for the memories of Gilchrist failing to do the same by one ball thanks to Matthew Hoggard’s ill-mannered embrace of width.
And now, news reaches us that Rohit Sharma has struck 264 against Sri Lanka in Kolkata, a new record for highest individual ODI score. It’s hard not to see this innings as a deliberate slap in the face to Australians, given how long we’ve cherished the dream of holding this particular record.
In fact, the top eleven ODI scores are all slaps in the face to Australians, churlishly sitting ahead of Shane Watson, who most connoisseurs agree is the spiritual holder of the record.
This depressing state of affairs is replicated right across the range of cricketing high water marks, with Australia pathetically underrepresented.
Most runs in Test matches? India. Most runs in Test innings? West Indies. Most centuries? India again. England has the best bowling figures, Sri Lanka the most career wickets, South Africa the most wicketkeeping dismissals, and India – again – most catches by a fielder.
We’re getting to the point where Australia’s records flag is flown only by the peerless Bradman, and Jason Gillespie’s record for highest score by a nightwatchman.
It’s a disgraceful state of affairs, and our national pride will not be assuaged by boasting about how Warne has the most Test runs without a century, or Chuck Fleetwood-Smith’s most runs conceded in a single innings.
Moreover, the current Australian line-up seems unlikely to break any records any time soon. Obviously Chris Rogers still holds out hope of becoming Test cricket’s oldest ever player, and Glenn Maxwell is always just a stroke of luck away from becoming the first player to take all 20 wickets and hit a triple century in the same match; but we can’t really count on these.
What we need is to focus on records that our current crop can achieve, and set them to the task of focusing on reaching them. After all, wins and losses are quickly forgotten in the international schedule’s froth and bubble. It is in setting records that our players etch their names into eternity.
With that in mind, each Australian player must from now on concentrate all their efforts on their particular attainable record:
David Warner is one of the best-performed of the Aussie line-up, but he’ll never go down in history for hitting solid hundreds in big defeats. He could do so, however, if he chases hard for the coveted title of Most Runs Hit While Batting Right-Handed Even Though You Bat Left-Handed.
It’s tailormade for him!
Captain Michael Clarke’s days of pursuing batting records might be coming to an end, but he’s still a real chance of breaking the record for Most Painkilling Injections Received In A Calendar Year. Eat your heart out, Mohammad Yousuf – Clarkey can make his chronic back pain work for him!
Steve Smith has been one of Australia’s shining lights, and offers real hope for the future, especially with his potential to one day soon hold the record for Politest Sledging.
Shane Watson’s return to the Test side is doubtless looked forward to by all, particularly by those of us interested in his quest for the title of Best-Smelling All Rounder.
Brad Haddin may be getting on in years, but no one who knows the feisty gloveman doubts his ability to press on to snatch the record for Least Foot Movement In A Series. Watch out, Damien Martyn!
Mitchell Johnson set many records last summer, not least for Most Urine-Soaked English Pants. But this season could be his big one – time to go for the Holy Grail, Mitch: Most Culpable Homicides.
Johnson’s partner in crime has been Ryan Harris, and after a gruelling rehabilitation period, he is finally ready to make a bid for the all-time Test record for Lowest Number Of Functioning Knees In An International Season.
The third member of the Aussie fast-bowling trio is Peter Siddle, who may not get the plaudits of his more-fancied fellow quicks, but is certainly this side’s number one contender for Most Times Described As “Always Giving One Hundred And Ten Percent” By Commentators In A Career.
No team can be well-balanced without a spinner, and certainly this side, to be balanced, will rely heavily on Nathan Lyon and his ability to take top spot on the list of Greatest Discrepancy Between Actual Age And Apparent Age. Not to mention his attempts at the records for Skinniest Off-Spinner and Least Likely To Bowl A Doosra Ever.
With these records in the offing, there’s plenty to look forward to this summer!
Although really all the aforementioned will be just an entree to the day that Phil Hughes shatters the record for Most Letterbombs Mailed To National Selectors In One Day.
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