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Junior cricket in the early 90s was tough if you suffered from a certain affliction. This dreaded curse made finding appropriate equipment difficult, and coaches and teammates a little unsure how to approach you.
I am, of course, referring to the trials of being a left-handed batsmen.
While I gave away my burgeoning cricketing career to pursue my dream of being Arnold Schwarzenegger’s stunt double at a relatively young age, many lefties press on to higher honours.
Looking at the current Australia side, I am confident to say my backward brethren are on the rise.
With this in mind, I decided to put together my ‘Leftorium XI’, a group Ned Flanders would be proud to support. My side is a smorgasbord of southpaws. A legion of lefties, if you will.
Not being old enough to have watched pioneers like Bill Lawry in action, my team is made up of players from the last 30 years. Running through my list, it appears Western Australia’s greatest natural resource may in fact be left-handed cricketers, while NSW are not overly represented for once.
Matthew Hayden and David Warner
Kicking things off with a somewhat controversial decision, I decided to break up one of Australia’s greatest opening partnerships in favour of outright bludgeoning.
If these two beasts caught fire on the same day, they could end the careers of many fast bowlers. There is also scope here for ICC fine records to be broken, if their sledging efforts got out of hand.
Justin Langer
Bumped to number three, Langer brings some grit to first drop in the Leftorium side. The return to his original position won’t bother the nuggety little run machine, who is likely to still feature in a number of big partnerships with his BFF Haydos. Expect lots of hugs.
Allan Border (c)
Continuing the run of tough little buggers who would be more than happy to punch an opponent, Captain Grumpy adds both fight and quality facial hair to my side’s middle order. Minimal conversation should be expected here, Langer will have settle for a grunt, and maybe a handshake, if he tons up.
Darren Lehmann
Current Oz coach and potential saint Darren ‘Boof’ Lehmann was once a rotund middle order mainstay with a penchant for decimating spin bowling and indulging in occasional racial abuse.
Perhaps still a better middle order option than many of today’s batsmen, Boof was a latecomer to international cricket, mostly due to the ridiculous quality of players on the scene during his career. Once in the Test side, the little man quickly made up for lost time, unleashing fury on bowlers across the globe.
A throwback to the glory days of the 70s, Lehmann’s favourite form of strength training involved numerous repetitions with a stubby in one hand and a Winnie Blue in the other. This form of preparation was mostly likely responsible for Boof’s balance and all-round game.
Michael Hussey
Another latecomer to the Test side, Mike Hussey initially began his career as an opener, before finding his place in the middle order in international cricket. Known as ‘Mr. Cricket’, apparently due to his resemblance to his grandfather Jiminy, Huss was a great finisher in limited overs games, and also a formidable presence in the Test side.
Snubbed by Shane Warne, most likely for his aversion to baked beans, Hussey was nevertheless a popular teammate who could smash a quick half century in around the time it took me to write this paragraph, or graft away at the crease with a patience foreign to most of our Test side today.
Adam Gilchrist
Yet another mature age Test debutant, Gilchrist waited for years behind the great Ian Healy before eventually getting his chance. A bludgeoning opener in the one day side, Gilly assumed the role of soul crusher and career ender at number seven in the Test side. This saw him often coming to the crease with a big score on the board, before proceeding to destroy the hopes and dreams of opposition bowlers and captains quicker than they could think of a witty, ear-related related sledge.
Also renowned for his stance on walking, this aspect of his career was never utilised by Johnnie Walker marketing staff, who missed a golden opportunity.
Mitchell Johnson
Since his Baggins-esque discovery of a mythical moustache with magical powers of accuracy and speed, Mitch has been in devastating form.
Proving his many doubters wrong last summer with an onslaught worthy of a 300 movie, Johnson did everything except break James Anderson’s f***ing arm, a goal that awaits him in the 2015 Ashes.
Mitchell Starc
Another left armed Mitchell, the stark reality here is that Starc is a selection gamble of sorts in my side. While he has performed quite well in the Test side so far, he may only play 30 per cent of possible Tests for the rest of career if the selectors continue to jostle him in and out of the side.
Currently known on social media as Alyssa Healy’s other half, Starc could be an all-time great or another coulda been. Hopefully the selectors will give him a few games in a row so we can find out.
Steve O’Keefe
The most consistent spinner on the Shield scene for the past few years, SOK was given his chance on the Aussies’ ill-fated recent tour of the cricketing Hades that is the United Arab Emirates. Dumped after one game, many will be hoping we haven’t seen the last of O’Keefe at international level. A recent five-for at Shield level indicates another strong season is on the cards.
Bruce Reid
Tragically injury prone, Big Bad Bruce was a lethal quick whose gifts of height and deadly accuracy made him nearly unplayable in his prime. A big unit, as James Brayshaw would have called him, Reid overcame his fragility to play 27 Tests and 61 ODIs, eventually retiring in 1992 at the age of 29. Another ‘what if’ cricketer in recent years, Reid is nonetheless worthy of his place in the Leftorium.
12th man – Doug Bollinger
Primarily in the side for his cult status and hilarious devotion to Advanced Hair Studios, earning him the moniker ‘Doug the Rug’. While extremely unlikely to play Test cricket again, Bollinger was nonetheless a solid performer in his short Test career.
So there you have it. My backwards XI. What do you think of my side, Roarers?
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