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Knickknack enthusiasts and wannabe street emcees have been kicking their own backsides for days after missing out on the street bling bargain of the century this week.
For those unaware, I’m talking about the gaudy Manly premiership ring that was dangled online and snapped up by a Toowoomba man at the zaniest of mates rates.
He proved that if you forensically trawl the intraweb for something other than troubadour cats and porn, there’s cut-price riches to be had.
Once news filtered through that he’d scored this scarce memento direct from an anonymous title-winner’s ring finger, much like the collectors and the probation homies, I too felt like I’d really grassed one with the line open.
Not only did I remain diamond-free and thin on hip-hop cred, the monstrosity in question would’ve made a sterling Christmas present for the missus, plus it could’ve taken my Vic Mauro impersonation to a whole new level.
Regardless, ever since the event, league fans across the land have rejoiced at our first Cash Converters moment in the game since the Western Reds jersey. To have the corridors of an online flea market graced with a gleaming winner’s trinket from our beloved pastime was as rare as a Michael Jordan basketball card on the shelf of a looted Vinnies.
But how could this have happened? Was it opportunism, entrepreneurialism or just plain destitution?
The easy conclusion to make is that the seller is a monetary biohazard, probably because it’s a situation that we laymen know all too well. You know how it works; striking financial turbulence, opening an eBay account, and the next thing you know you’re hocking off valuables, gaming consoles and kidneys. It’s a well-worn path.
However, after perusing Manly’s 2011 line-up of ring bearers and then sleeping with a top-ranking Tax Office official to verify the figures, it was as suspected – the team was a veritable gathering of rugby league Gina Rineharts.
So what was the reason, and more importantly, who the hell was it?
It’s time for us Roarers to think outside of the jewellery box to get to the bottom of this puzzling issue, and here’s a shortlist to get your investigative juices moving.
Anthony Watmough
Despite coming out publicly and denying it was he who went amateur Michael Hill, he is a red hot favourite for the title. Sure, after acrimoniously departing recently, it would seem obvious that he would want to burn all bridges with the place, starting with any club-embossed finger wear. But this is not the driving force. It is something much more grating.
I ask you all, have you seen the toll costs for the daily commute between Dee Why and Parramatta lately? It’s hip-pocket torment that can’t even be worn by a footballer who can afford meals with multiple forks, and an extra $2000 of sale gravy could fund his trips for the pre-season at least.
Glenn Stewart
Now that ‘The Gift’ is off to roll around in the Russell Crowe money farm at Redfern, the last thing he needs is to be weighed down by additional paper. However, now that he finds himself outside the Circle of Trust of one of league’s most insular Stonecutter-esque societies, what he won’t require is his key to every vending machine north of the bridge.
Brett Stewart
‘Snake’ is also a denier, but perhaps this is a life decision that he wants to keep personal. I mean, just look at the bloke – time is beginning to take hold, and when has the look of a gradually balding man adorned with just a touch too much bling been a suggested fashion angle for the 30-something bloke? For that matter, outside of over 50s singles cruises, when was it ever in fashion?
The legendary fullback could simply be setting himself for middle-age. He’s shedding all of the accessories of the modern young peacock to start a more suitable collection of chinos, boat shoes and Dimoxinil.
Steve Matai
A long shot, but this could be a decision made with the future in mind.
It’s the worst kept secret in footy that this guy is ready to air-mail himself to Auckland the second he gets the green light, and there is no way anyone could ever rat-hole that gargantuan whack of medal through customs without issues.
His options? He can ingest a mineral the size of a bangle, putting at risk his ability to ever sit comfortably again, or he could just get paid. You do the comparison of discomfort.
Matt Ballin
He’s a handsome fellow with his own personal training business and a fine career in sports. One look at him, plus his denial this week, and he would be the last bloke you would point the finger at. However, you’d be as wrong as a pair of XXXL fluoro Ruggers with a hole in the crotch.
Why? Because anyone who’s resorted to doing Lowes ads is obviously woefully short of cabbage.
Tony Williams
The former Manly tyrant potentially could’ve sold the ring after struggling with the outrageous levels of energy required for its upkeep, such as having it remain latent in his bedside drawer, and the struggle of inadvertent periodical reminders to himself that he owns a championship ring.
Geoff Toovey
The 2011 assistant coach has some nasty book-keeping coming up on the horizon in the form of awkward chats about money with Kieran Foran and Daly Cherry-Evans, and he could easily be doomsday prepping.
Thanks to this and the spiderweb of the salary cap, he’s been seen crowdsourcing with some busking on The Corso and some can-rattling at the Newport Arms, all in the hope he can scrounge up as much ka-blingey as possible to hopefully keep this pair, and thus his job.
If he can afford a brown lunchbag to go with it, the extra $2000 could be the amount he needs to hustle these deals over the line, which would be a terrific outcome because I can’t stand to listen to him murder another Rod Stewart song in public.
Roarers, let’s get to the bottom of summer’s great mystery. Who’s your choice as Manly’s mystery hocker?