Phew!

It’s finally over.

All 10 months of it.

Now that there’s time to catch our breath, we can start that sordid review process: what was good, what was bad, and what we’d rather not recall at all but kinda have to, from the rugby union season just past.

And unlike the politically correct world, which chooses to have its ‘awards’ night before the season is even done (maybe the ARU knew what a stinker the Spring Tour was going to be?); we’ve saved the best for last… the first Annual ‘Meats’.

Of course the frontage for these dubious ‘gongs’ is not exactly original, and I had to make sure that the Honey Badger received at least one piece of meat (that being an award) himself, in return for the shameless attempt at cheap humour by lifting that term which he holds so dear.

Nor is the concept of an end of year ‘awards’ column in itself particularly innovative; hence this one has been developed with a hefty dose of reality thrown in.

When the national team is a sliding fifth on the world rankings, there’s not that much to puff the chest out about anyhow, so those of you pining for the sort of pretentious PR fluff you see on Eales night might as well stop reading now.

For the rest of you, we’d better start handing out the meat (lest it goes off in the fridge!).

The Don’t Say it, Do it meat
I couldn’t provide a more appropriate recipient to kick off with than the Western Force’s redoubtable captain Matt Hodgson.

In an era where many an Australian player has been guilty of saying too much, and doing too little, ‘Hodgo’ bucks the trend.

Words have never been a big thing for the Western Force skipper, but you only had to look at the team play this year to see how the players respond to his tireless work ethic and total commitment to the cause.

A foundation member of the Perth club, nine years ago now, and constant presence ever since, he took the Force to the cusp of a maiden finals appearance. Gaining the captaincy of the Wallabies for the win over the Barbarians was an appropriate acknowledgement of all that he has given to the game.

The Fro-Bros meat
It was hard to miss either Henry Speight or Joe Tomane at various stages this year. The only real issue was whether either of them could see anybody else under those shaggy mops of fluff they passed off as hair. Canberra winters can be cold, but that was ridiculous.

Speight is getting his trimmed shortly in aid of charity. There is no truth to the rumour that Stephen Larkham’s first appointment as Brumbies’ big boss man was to add a hairdresser to the backroom staff, just in case the new Wallaby decides to grow it all back again!

Hopefully Michael Cheika took notes on the Spring Tour though. If he also picks Tatafu Polota Nau – another serial ‘bad hair’ offender – the trio could well and truly stuff up the Wallaby team photo.

And that’s without even considering this year’s flowing locks of Michael Hooper and Rob Horne, alongside the possibility that life in Europe hasn’t discouraged James O’Connor from that juvenile-looking pigs tail he left with!

The So Long, it was Nice Watching You meat
Pat McCabe, Ben Mowen, Kane Douglas, Alofa Alofa and Ben Lucas among others. And, of course, the Badger himself (told you I had to get him in there somewhere!). Badger the Barbarian wanted real ‘meat’, for the best try scored against the Wallabies, but I’m trying to be Wallaby positive here!

The Watch Your Back Jack meat
Goes to Richard Graham. It’s never nice forecasting impending doom but, influential mates or not, the dark clouds are hovering ominously above the second-season Queensland Reds coach.

This year’s meek five wins from 16, amid strong whispers of player discontent, took his overall record as a head coach (combining his two and a half years as Western Force boss) to just 12 wins from 40 games (a 30 per cent success rate).

That’s sackable form, especially in an often politically unstable environment like Queensland rugby.

Graham getting little say in the recruitment of JOC, with whom he didn’t exactly part of good terms when the latter acrimoniously quit the Force, was hardly an encouraging sign.

The Sydney beats the ‘Bush’ meat
Step right up Bernard Foley. He was all but in the Melbourne Rebels’ clutches until Michael Cheika offered him the Waratahs’ flyhalf jersey, and then signed up his best mate Nick Phipps, who the Rebels had rather foolishly punted, to play halfback.

Genius. Twelve months on, all three are movers and shakers in the Wallabies, and have a Super Rugby title to boot.

The Never a Dull Moment meat
Who else but Kurtley Beale? Deep breaths, KB. The only headlines we want from you next year are on the field please!

The 14 Years On and Still a Freak
Richie McCaw. I still maintain he’d make a crackerjack lawyer, given the way he manipulates both rules and referees, but you can’t knock the guy’s record. If only he’d just let us win sometimes…

Games of the Year
Couldn’t split them and – given this is an Australian website – I had to give us at least a share of the meat. So a part ration goes to the Super Rugby final: what drama, what a start by the ‘Tahs and how about that finish?

But likewise, from the Test stage, you can’t ignore the Ellis Park Rugby Championship game between the Boks and the All Blacks. The world’s two best teams duking it out blow for blow at a frenetic pace throughout, with both teams going for it. If only World Cup games were played with such a free spirit like that.

The Joe Hockey meat for Exemplary Budgetary Management
Goes to the Melbourne Rebels. I know after last week’s piece, some Roarers will think I’ve got a real hate on the transplanted ‘Vics’. I haven’t, I just don’t believe that the ARU can continue to pour massive cash down that particular tube if it is unsustainable financially without life-support.

Remember the same ARU that is propping up the Rebels are virtually spraying weed killer on the grass roots (the schools and club game), by financially starving the future of the game in this country as a whole!

As an idealist, I’d love to see the game flourish in Melbourne too, but the fact remains that the club leadership bled main benefactor Harold Mitchell dry, he pulled out, and now they are steadily tugging the ARU’s financial balance sheets into the red as well.

Perhaps the only thing scarier than that, from a game perspective, is that personnel from the Rebels are now moving into positions at the ARU!

The Two-minute Noodles meat
Goes to the first Wallaby captain of the year, Stephen Moore. A few years back, Peter Kimlin made his Wallaby debut against the Barbarians at the end of a Spring Tour. His ‘appearance’ lasted all of two minutes, a couple of minutes fewer than Moore’s Test captaincy, prompting his good mate, and then flatmate, Ben Alexander to christen him ‘Noodles’ (as in two-minute noodles).

Fortunately Kimlin went on to gain a Test cap the following year. With a new Wallaby coach now in place, I’m not so sure Moore’s national captaincy aspirations will be similarly revisited.

The Dumb and Dumber meat
Goes to SANZAR, firstly for deciding to expand Super Rugby into Asia without due diligence, and then for opting for Japan, even though most involved within Japanese rugby (that being the clubs) don’t want it. SANZAR knew this, and the added travel burdens hardly fit in with the organisation’s previous claims as to the importance it places on player welfare.

Information and explanation has been suspiciously light in the justification behind this particular decision, with the best clue possibly being provided by the global governing bodies’ public support of the Japanese bid.

World Rugby is in a real flap about its 2019 Japanese World Cup being a monumental failure. One would hope that the failure or otherwise of that tournament didn’t influence SANZAR’s decision, as it has now mortgaged its future on Japan too.

The He’s Not Quite Winston Churchill Yet meat
Goes to Waratahs and Wallaby captain Michael Hooper. For all that he’s endured this year, from internal upheavals within the national side, to being not-so-privately censured by ARU chief Bill Pulver, and landing the ‘Tahs captaincy at short notice just before the finals; ‘Hoops’ has to be commended for how he’s handled it.

He didn’t let it affect his play, stayed true to his teammates (including his coaches!), true to his beliefs, and upheld a level of integrity that was found to be lacking in others at certain times. For all those who’ve been happy to criticise, ask yourselves: if you’d been landed in his situation, what would (or could) you have done differently?

The ‘Survivor Australia’ meat
Get that fridge open Andrew Blades. The ascent of Michael Cheika to the stewardship made him the fourth Wallaby coach for whom Blades has worked, following on from Eddie Jones, Robbie Deans and Ewen McKenzie. It’s fair to say that the Wallaby scrum hasn’t exactly been a ‘strength’ through all that time, and last Saturday’s difficulties at Twickenham were hardly the best advertisement of Blades’s work.

The head coach might be citing the poor perception of the Wallaby scrum as an issue for now, but I guess we will ultimately know what he thinks when he confirms his coaching associates for next year.

The King Kong meat
Goes to the Wallabies ever-popular team cameraman Anthony ‘AJ’ George (aka ‘Kong’) who was shunted out at the end of the Rugby Championship by the ARU bean counters after in excess of 15 years providing you with the interviews and imagery from inside of Camp Wallaby.

A big-hearted character who would do anything for anyone, AJ is always cheerful, lived touring life to its fullest, and calls everyone ‘champion’! It is a fitting reference to the champion bloke he is.

And finally, the meat for The Outsider’s Player of the Year
Ben McCalman.

Almost universally under-rated, the player known to his mates as ‘Dog’ brings the same relentless work ethic to the Wallabies as he shows hunting down and shooting pests on the family’s Warren (western NSW) farm.

Uncomplicated in his approach, but direct and physical, McCalman mirrors his Western Force skipper Hodgson, in that he works rather than talks. He is widely respected by his teammates because of it.

While the return of a fully fit Wycliff Palu may shift him out of the No. 8 jersey, don’t be surprised if McCalman wears six instead, as he is clearly Michael Cheika’s sort of player.

That much was evident by both his selection, and performance, on the Spring Tour, after also becoming a regular on match night earlier in the year for Ewen McKenzie.

Although he misses out on this occasion, James Slipper merits an honourable mention too. ‘Slips’ has arguably the biggest motor in the Wallaby team, which was ultimately to his detriment this year, as he became too valuable to take off, and so invariably got run into the ground before exiting late in matches.

A bit more front-row support for Slipper is no doubt a priority as Cheika draws up his wish list for 2015.

So there we have it, the ‘meat’ has been dished out for the Christmas feed. Enjoy the break while it lasts.

Our Super Rugby teams are all back in pre-season training and it will all kick off again, when the Crusaders host the Rebels, in just 72 days!