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Anon: Good morning David. Let me say how much I appreciate you doing this interview.
David: It’s a pleasure Leigh.
Anon: The plan is to keep my name out of this.
David: Ah, righto.
Anon: Lets get started then.
David: Feels like I’m on the 7.30 Report.
Anon: David!
David: Sorry.
Anon: So. I believe you’re disappointed about how this arrest business has played out.
David: Oh yeah, I’m gutted. Absolutely gutted. I mean you put your heart into something, try to make a statement and people take it completely the wrong way.
Anon: Fair enough. It must be frustrating the way people are conflating active participation in a democratic society with offensive, anti-social behaviour.
David: You’ve hit the nail on the head there. Wasn’t that long ago a fella could go out and really lay down a marker. All it took was a couple of hundred dollars, a bit of booze and a very public location; airports were great or a ferry during a World Cup. Yeah, those were the days.
Anon: I’m not sure what you’re driving at David.
David: Look. I remember, was a good few years ago now up in Brissie. A bloke was pulled over on New Year’s Eve for drink-driving right? Thing was, he was wearing roller-skates and a tutu! There wasn’t a car in sight. Now that was the kind of controversy I had in mind – something up to world rugby standards.
Anon: When?
David: When I was plotting my own contribution to professional sports tomfoolery.
Anon: Could we get back to your recent arrest?
David: That is what I’m talking about. I had planned a homage if you will, to Brissie’s tutu clad, drunken roller-romper. I had a midget lined up and found a bloke with a pair of donkeys available at the right price. It would have been one hell of a scene let me tell you. The gutter press would have been all over it.
Anon: You’re not serious?
David: As serious as sensible shoes. But there’s no money in Aussie rugby these days, not for that or for any other bloody thing. I mean all the great japesters have been forced overseas or are out of form. I don’t know, maybe with next year being a World Cup year and all, things might perk up.
Anon: That does seem to bring em’ out.
David: You betcha. Look at New Zealand three years ago. It was clear which teams were cashed up. The hosts led the way with the early form shown by Cory Jane and Zac Guildford and the Pommies apparently gave Manu Tuilagi a blank cheque.
Anon: The Wallabies were certainly patchy over there.
David: Truer word was never spoken. Mind you, we did make up for it last year in Dublin. There was a new coach to impress I guess and that city is not cheap, so someone stumped up some cash.
Anon: He certainly knocked loose living on the head after that.
David: Yeah, a little goes a long way with Link. World class shenanigans require two things. First you need the dollars and obviously we’re outta that. The second element you need for committed buffoonery is support from the top.
Anon: You’ll have to spell that one out for me.
David: Look how I was left in the lurch. With precious little back up and practically no money from the ARU, yours truly stiches together a minor controversy, just to show em’ what I can do. Do you have even the vaguest idea where on God’s green earth Maules Creek is?
Anon: I believe it’s out by Tamworth, so…
David: So the whole time I was chained up, they had their country music blaring didn’t they, and I don’t mean Cold Chisel. But then I have been out of the game for two seasons, so it was the least I could do, for the team and all.
Anon: And next year is a World Cup year.
David: Exactly. So I do the hard yards. I sweat blood and tears.
Anon: I’m not sure that’s the expression you’re looking for David…
David: I produce the goods, I get the win, for the love of God I get myself arrested! And what do I have to show for it? Nothing. People come out, publicly I mean, and accuse me of being a role model- a freakin’ role model! And what support do I get from rugby HQ?
Anon: Absolutely nothing, they tarred you with the same brush as…
David: Alright, so they did do something to help. But I could really have used something a little more forthright than vague comments about captaincy. Why couldn’t they have called me in for a disciplinary hearing? That would’ve been a great help.
Anon: I honestly don’t see the…
David: What a great photo op. Me, walking in off the street denying any wrong doing in front of the cameras and accusing them of blowing things out of proportion.
I was arrested for Campese’s sake, how about a “final warning” at least. I mean it’s embarrassing. I am practically the only senior Wallaby without one. The way things stand now, hell, I make Nelson Mandela look dodgy. I just don’t think it’s fair.
Anon: Well I’d certainly say you’ve painted a picture for us all David.
David: And to be fair, the nation’s journalists didn’t do me any favours.
Anon: Not happy with how the episode was reported?
David: No, not at all. Do I have to spell it out for you? How about this for a headline, “Wounded Wallaby found chained to earthmover.” That would’ve had the feral, green voting set buying up newspapers faster than pensioners chasing Georgie Parker.
Anon: Thanks for coming in and speaking with us.
David: Maules bloody Creek. I couldn’t even find it on my GPS.
Anon: Thanks again David.
David: Anytime. By the way, loved your book on David Hicks. Now there was a man who was really out there. Just imagine what he could have achieved in our game.
Join The Roar rugby editor Christy Doran, former Wallaby Matt Toomua and a cast of regular and special guests as they look at the biggest issues in the game on The Roar Rugby Podcast. If you’re looking for great odds on the next game check out Aussie bookmaker PlayUp. Chances are you’re about to lose. Set a deposit limit.