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The Roar

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A quiet suggestion for the NRL: cut out the booze

12th December, 2014
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Greg Bird will not get a farewell game. (AAP Image/Paul Miller)
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12th December, 2014
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Look, I am neither a professional rugby league player, nor a drinker of alcohol, and I therefore realise that I’m not qualified to hold either an opinion or Australian citizenship.

But what I am is a writer, and a loudmouth, and so I’m gonna tell you what I think anyway.

This week was a bit of a bummer for the game of rugby league. It’s a sad day when we see the name ‘Hopoate’ associated with something unsavoury, but that’s what we got, with former star John’s son Jamil sent to prison for assault.

And I don’t want to shock you further, but the assault happened outside a pub.

Now doesn’t it seem a bit weird the way these things always happen outside pubs? You hardly ever hear about a rugby league player assaulting someone outside a church, or outside a scout hall, or up a tree.

No, it’s always outside a pub. Except when it’s inside a pub.

What is it about pubs that makes leaguies get so violent, I wonder? The sticky carpets? The unimaginative counter meal menu? Are they enraged by the misogyny of the makers of the Big Buck Hunt game?

I wonder if the thing that causes NRL professionals at pubs to want to hit people is similar to the thing that causes them to become confused about the place in society of the toilet.

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That was the other league escapade this week, the news that Greg Bird had “put a dampener” on his wedding by urinating on, or possibly just near, a police car.

Dampener. Heh. I get it, Birdy.

It probably shows a gap in the training that young NRL recruits get, this curious inability to locate or correctly use lavatories. Whether it’s on a police car, in a hotel hallway, in a teammate’s shoe, or in your own mouth, there is a tendency among the rugby league playing community to expel bodily waste in unconventional locations that seems to far outstrip that of society in general.

Maybe in among the lessons in media conference etiquette, responsible social media use, and remembering to ask politely before having sex with someone, the NRL could throw in some slide projections of toilets accompanied with joyful, upbeat music, in order to create a positive association.

They could possibly even do the same with some pictures of young men and women who haven’t been beaten up.

Or… look, this is a pretty radical suggestion and probably not even feasible, but…

I don’t know if it’s even worth floating the idea…

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But what if… just as an experiment… what if a few rugby league players tried… not drinking?

Not drinking alcohol, I mean, I’m not trying to kill anyone.

It’s just a thought. An idle fancy. A casual observation that maybe, if so many grown men are unable, when containing liquor, to avoid displaying the impulse control and bladder urgency of Bam Bam Rubble, keeping off the VB might be an elegant solution.

I’m not saying it would put an end to bad behaviour among footballers, but I reckon it’d provide quite the efficiency dividend.

I know, I know. It’s part of our culture, it’s part of being Australian, it’s a vital social lubricant, it’s a hard-earned thirst that deserves a big cold beer. These are all excellent and accurate points. Drinking is a respectable and perfectly harmless activity.

Except that if you’re a rugby league administrator, or a rugby league player, or anyone unlucky enough to be standing within arm’s reach or spraying distance of a rugby league player… it feels like it’s not actually that harmless.

I mean, I’m not saying no leaguie should ever drink. I’m just saying those who are at risk of acting like dickheads. Which may or may not be all of them.

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Maybe there could be a grading committee set up to assess players and award them points. One dickhead point means you can have three pots in a single night, two dickhead points means you can have a couple of glasses of red with friends, three dickhead points means you have to only drink Diet Sprite.

Like I said, I’m neither a rugby league player nor a drinker. I don’t know the pressures of the job, the joys of the nectar, or the irresistible urge to unzip and have a wee in the street. But when you look at the off-field scandals that have bedevilled the NRL over the years, you must admit that the removal of booze would cut the list’s length considerably.

So how about it? How about a few players take a punt, go a few weeks sober, and see how it feels? If they come out of it not suffering from severe depression and/or court appearances, maybe think about extending the trial?

Just a thought.

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