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Peter ‘Bananman’ Siddle. Australia’s bull terrorist. The dinosaur-toothed Energiser bunny. The man born without an off switch.
Rumour has it that Darren Lehman has to deprogram him on off days and long bus rides, should he fire up and decide that he has the energy to walk instead.
But something is not right with Mr Sidds. And I am no scientist from the future, but I figure it has something to do with his vegan diet.
Siddle, the mainstay in Australia’s revolving-door attack across the past five or so years has been given the boot. And young Tamworthian Josh “Purple” Haze-lwood has taken his spot.
Not only that, the ‘Golden Guitar’ claimed five wickets in the first innings against India, and may have made the third prong in the Australian attack his own – maybe even the second prong if Australia can’t duct tape Ryan ‘Mr Glass’ Harris together before next year’s Ashes.
But considering Siddle’s removal has been greeted with nothing more than a whimper by everyone including the man himself, I am going to mention the large, protein-sapped elephant in the room.
Someone needs to get Siddle back on the meat.
A few years ago, when Siddle was at his wicket-getting, snarling, carnivorous peak, he decided to drop the meat from his diet. In the months after, his form improved, causing folks everywhere – myself included – to wonder whether my love for meat was the reason I never made it in life.
However, in the past couple of years, he has come back to the pack. So much so, that he has gone largely wicketless in recent Tests. Whenever he picks up the leather these days, he looks far less threatening. From a salivating T-Rex to a lumbering brontosaurus.
Coincidence? No. Not at all. Un-possible.
Just in case you were wondering, I am no dietician. I have never studied nutrition, and I know very little about sports science – I have never claimed to be Stephen Dank.
But while all those things are what I am not, there is one thing I am. A Man. I am a Man.
And while what I don’t know could fill a large, uncarryable book, what I do know is this. Men. Need. Meat.
Peter Siddle’s issue is not attitude. His problem, as noted by coach Lehmann, is speed. He needs to bowl faster.
All great human achievements have come from meat eaters, or people who have just filled their stomach with delicious animals. It’s science. It’s a shame, particularly considering the evils of the meat industry, but it’s a fact.
I don’t mean to denigrate the vegetarian or vegan movements, and I mean no offence to vegetarians out there. The meat industry stinks, chickens shouldn’t live in cages and pigs’ diets should not consist primarily of force-fed antibiotics.
But this is the Ashes we are talking about. The Ashes.
Michael Clarke or Steve Smith or Darren Lehmann or Sam Neill or that Lambassador guy that does the lamb commercials need to pull Sidds aside and say “hey Pete, you’re bacon a mistake. You don’t make friends with salad. Here, have a slice of steak, a smidgen of chicken or a a hock of ham.”
Bananaman’s career is at steak. The steaks couldn’t be higher. Pete, you’re making a mis-steak.
Who would you rather be? A wicket-taking carnivore or a well intentioned lettuce leaf?
I know what I would prefer to go down in history as.
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