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We all know that Christmas is about laziness and cheap gifts, and who am I to go against the grain of the season? I’m not Santa or Murdoch, so I’ll always choose to comply.
That’s why I’ve dug deep in to the Yuletide sock of imagination to produce this year-end beauty that you’ll have forgotten by your twelfth lunchtime Crownie on Superman’s b’day.
That’s right, you’ve just unwrapped opinion’s three-pack of undies – it’s a laggard top ten of mainstream sporting moments from 2014. And despite your disgust at this crud offering, you’ll do the right thing and pretend to like it otherwise I’ll tell Claus and his bikies to have you blacklisted for next year.
You know I’ve got cameras, so you’re on notice.
As you can see, I’ve taken the narrow-minded approach required to ensure a bevy of Sydney-centric options have all been selected. This outcome has been reached using the strict criteria of all moments being mainstream, in my memory, and preferably including a bandwagon.
Despite my hardline stance, the beauty of these things is that there is no right or wrong – unless you disagree with me, because then you would be wrong. Either way, I invite your opinion, so put it through the hands and let it sing!
What’s missing? Who’s ranked too high? Who’s been lowballed? What was I drinking at the time? Is there any way we can possibly omit Souths?
Despite it being the holiday season, please just drop that horrendous trifle-baisted chicken leg and get to work – mainly because you’ve already packed on a few since brekky, but also because we need you to tinkle the typewriter and shape this list. Here it is!
10. Major League Baseball comes to Sydney
I won’t lie, this is one of the easiest number 10s in a top 10 I’ve ever done.
It was March when rich Yankee fare came to Sydney in a convoy of cleats, mitts and spits. To our credit, we all acted like we knew what was going on as we happily jammed our arteries with trans-fats from prehistoric hot dog wieners and the three different types of cheeses that came with our kidney-priced nachos.
After a great win to someone, we then waved the production goodbye as it flew away, leaving behind plenty of memories and special dirt. They were never to be seen again. Good times.
9. Patty Mills ignites in the NBA Finals
It’s undoubtedly accepted by the Internet that the 2014 NBA Finals will be mostly remembered for the feeding of a loser casserole to LeBron James.
But please, don’t forget what was happening in the background. It was one of our own hitting clutch threes, scrapping like a kelpie on D and bestowing zesty ‘tude on ballers a trillion times his wealth. Yeah boi, I’m talking about championship ring holder Patty ‘Thrills’ Mills.
The energiser point guard rolled gold for his San Antonio Spurs in their title run, chiming in with some lively cameos that nearly boosted Aussie basketball interest back to the Bill Woods levels of September 1994.
8. Nick Kyrgios stuns Wimbledon
He’s got Vanilla Ice scalp art and swag, but don’t let that fool you. He ain’t no Bernie or Poo, hence the immediate coronation to darling status in the local sports wash-up.
The best thing about this young cub is that the best years of endorsement-drawing exuberance are yet to come. He’s going to be rich and Bermudan, so light a match and clap that shit.
For now though, he’s already hit a winner through his legs against Rafael Nadel and rolled him on stakes-high cooch, hence his undies being on your arse at $45 a pop. Respect.
7. Tim Cahill’s orgasmo-goal at the World Cup
It was the land of gyrating hips where Luis Suarez tucked in to the opposition, we couldn’t settle on the correct pronunciation of a Colombian ‘James’, and Germany won a golden ice cream cone on a timber base.
In saying that, these were all drab events that happened around the tournament’s showpiece moment – Brazil being smashed in the semi.
A close second to this special event was Tim Cahill’s absurd volleyed goal that he scored with his weak foot against a bunch of Dutchmen. If qualification for the second round was based on replays and novelty foreign commentary, this moment would’ve put Australia directly in to the final.
6. The Waratahs Super Rugby breakthrough
The state of New South Wales enjoyed a jolting rediscovery of rugby union’s existence when the mighty Waratahs shunned their own septic culture to capture a maiden Super Rugby title.
To add value to something that was odds-on to never happen, it was an iconic Crusaders team from New Zealand that was taken over for glory, meaning a small window of naïve optimism was felt for the entire Australian rugby community in the aftermath.
Alas, as you can tell by the scant mention of Bledisloe in this top 10, it was a false alarm for the national interest.
5. South Sydney breaks the drought
It was a huge night for all Souths fans when the face of Sam Burgess crumpled, inflated and then leaked sweet winner’s Perignon on the sandy turf of the Olympic Stadium.
Unfortunately, this night was such a whopper that even us normal non-Souths people will always remember where we were when 43 sweet years of familiar drought was broken.
Personally, I was burning the clothes I was wearing at full time before sprinting in a straight line directly towards the nearest forest.
4. Hawthorn doubles-up
The Hawks proved themselves as the standout club of the decade when they severely schooled Sydney in front of Tom Jones. It secured back-to-back titles in a year when they hit regular injury turbulence while also spending a long period without their coach. Someone should remind them that nobody likes a high-achieving smarty-pants.
For Swans fans, it was a day of deep embarrassment that required much Chardonnay. Heavy shame peaked mid-arvo when Luke Hodge kissed Buddy Franklin in the forward 50, and right there, the match’s ‘fizzer’ status was confirmed.
3. The Wanderers conquer Asia
Sexism. Cheating. Laser pointers. No, this wasn’t a Berlusconi bunga rave, but a FIFA-approved competition final in Saudi Arabia – and Straya won! Oi Oi Oi!
Tony Popa’s Western Sydney wonders were superb in one of their recent rare wins – especially super-stopper Ante Covic who was beyond human between the sticks.
However, despite his superb custodial skills, he wasn’t nimble enough to parry the racket of loogies fired from the opposition at his teammates after full-time.
2. Australia’s 5-0 Ashes domination
Okay, so rules are being slightly bent by including something that partially occurred in 2013. Don’t like it? Take it up with management, you sad tosser.
For the other happy customers, treat yourself to a throwback. Remember it? Mitchell Johnson was electric, England were impotent and George Bailey was there. In quick time, the Urn was back where it belonged: probably fragmenting in a box somewhere, and rightfully ours.
1. The Blues long-awaited Origin victory
This is for the New South Welshpeople who can now finally live a full and enriching life. It was 2014 when the oppressive Maroon rule was finally broken with a 6-4 win in Game 2 at ANZ Stadium, a victory that secured a first series win since the start of the flatscreen telly era.
Tears flowed openly at full-time, not due to 800,000 square metres of unbridled joy, but for relief that the end of an astonishingly boring match had finally been reached, one filled with enough tedium to send a meth addict to sleep.
Naturally, celebrations ensued deep in to the month and reached a crescendo with a disinterested loss in the dead rubber at Suncorp. We wouldn’t have it any other way.