Welcome to the new year, but please hold off on your best wishes. Such enforced courtesies will not be required as 2015’s pearler status has been guaranteed with the confirmed homecoming of larri-king Nick Cummins.
How sweet it will be to have a rarefied opal like The Badge back to light up town with a much-needed injection of sandpaper-smooth Australiana.
It’s not only rugby that’s desperate, the whole country is as thirsty for his quips as a goanna needing a billabong after singing too many John Williamson songs under the sizzling Oodnadatta sun.
Once misconceived as an outpost flush with fair dinkum rippers like Cummins, modern Australia is no longer the wide brown land that’s chockers with ockers. Red-dust repute has been replaced with a new generation of preened renaissance men that have buried the quintessential sunburnt buckaroo under seven feet of moisturiser and second languages.
This is why we embrace the Wallaby flyer. Not only does he know his way to the stripe, he takes Oz back to it’s global renown glory days as a place of Fosters, kangaroo taxis and three meals a day of barbied shrimp, the days that still bankroll Australia’s tourism industry and Paul Hogan’s face-lift habit.
So in this driza-dingo’s post-Yahoo Serious cliche wasteland, is there anyone better than Honey-B? Who could match him in a fly-fishing, rhyming-slang, truck-lifting triathlon right now?
I’ve had a look around, and in seven minutes of searching there’s nobody that I could find. It’s a bloody travesty!
So in line with The Roar‘s charter to tinker with the big issues, it’s time for us to nut-out the construction of a bionic Aussie who can challenge the man in an old school nationalistic stereotype showdown. Welders at the ready.
Hair
The Cummins scalp follicle is such an Aussie throwback that it produces a permed matting without any chemical treatment whatsoever. What results is a natural beachside blonde curl of such quality that Craig McLachlan has already relinquished copyrights to his entire 1980s catalogue of three Top 70 hits. Such a mane will take a small army to match.
I propose the prototype be initially based on the flowing thatch of a mid-2000s Jason Gillespie. This is then to be dyed blonde, spiked and tied in to a series of platts to resemble darts czar Simon Whitlock, before shaving the whole top to leave nothing but some tatty neck carpet in the ’90s biker style of former Western Bulldog Danny Southern. Then on to this, we’ll staple an Akubra.
Sound
This is where we need to shine. With a supreme blend of content, delivery and timing, the Force flanker brings serious chutzpah when it comes to witty ocker verbalisations. I doubt we can take him down on this one – let’s just play it conservatively and try to break even.
Firstly, delivery will be via a finely-brewed drawl made from AFL champion Jonathon Brown and Maroon nugget Jason Hetherington before being overdubbed with the snap and crackle of Tommy Raudonikis. This aural delight will then deliver content that includes a small pinch of Jeff Thomson to ensure at least one profanity per sentence, before the dry wit and delivery of Andrew Symonds rounds out a verbal program mechanised to deliver the appropriate Australian output of ‘y’know’.
Head
Under The Badger’s bushy rug and flash moustache lies the melon of a reasonably handsome man. To combat this, I say we fight finesse with fire by fitting our cyborg with an outback-style head that has weathered such a range of conditions it is now offensive enough to cause sudden cardiac arrest.
Let’s start with a template based on former Kangaroo Mick Martyn. Although it’s a mug that already comes panel-beaten, we’ll put it through the dryer a couple of times to give it the conditioning of a 70th minute Kevin Campion. From there, we’ll just whack a Swervin’ Mervyn Hughes moustache on to cover the scars and then wait for the King Gee contract offers to roll in.
Body
To match-up with the Cummins rugby carriage while meeting the directive, we must attack as follows.
Just construct a chassis that combines the tanned washboard of Grant Kenny and the sea-faring fitness of Mark Occhilupo, and then totally demolish the aesthetic by applying a finish in the shrunken Sumo shape of David Boon – chest hair intact. Then decorate by pattern welding the Southern Cross on to the left tuckshop arm.
There is no other way if we are to encapsulate all of Australia’s physical diversity.
Behaviours
In the offseason, Badge breaks footballer protocol by not taking selfies on the beach or bouncing on parked cars, preferring the much more Australian brochure option of buying a cheap ute and driving around Australia to fish and look at the stars.
In addition, he’s affable, selfless and laconic, and most importantly in homeland values, known by a thoughtful self-chosen nickname with bizarre origins. It’s a combo written in the constitution.
Firstly, we’re going to need some wholesome Matt Hayden DNA for the upbeat lifestyle show and outdoorsy aspect, but this must be tempered with the uncomplicated breeziness of Eels legend Nathan Hindmarsh. This is because it’s Australian to love the outdoors but also be so laid back that you can spend five days on a couch watching cricket.
Now for the knockabout charm, also known as the loose streak. To start, we’ll throw in the two-packs-a-day of league journeyman Jason Smith, and in case things kick-off, a dangerous mix of AFL maniac Mark ‘Jacko’ Jackson and league hardman Trevor ‘Axe’ Gillmeister. Just in case someone knocks over our Fosters while we’re at the Ettamogah Pub.
Result
Looking at this fine machine, have we got it right, Roarers? Will this hairy, disfigured, portly, lazy and partially inaudible bushtucker man with a 95 per cent clean criminal record encompass enough of our nationalistic traits to hold a candle to the modern day Mr Australia? Is there someone missing, or someone who shouldn’t have made the cut?
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