Who is going to win the 2015 Cricket World Cup? I am glad you asked! Let’s take a look at the contenders one by one.

Australia
World Cups won: four
Hemisphere: southern
National vodka: Absolut

Australia are one of the favourites for the title, and no wonder given they have a captain-to-player ratio the envy of most country’s school systems. They also have a good solid contingent of players struggling with injuries, which means they won’t lack for inspirational feel-good underdog stories.

Their only concerns lie at the top of the order, where many experts are whispering that Aaron Finch and David Warner are the same person; the middle order, where George Bailey’s poor form and Glenn Maxwell’s frequent mid-innings hallucinations are vexing the coaching group; and the lower order, which contains more Mitchells than ICC regulations technically allow.

Apart from those three areas they are incredibly strong, and will definitely win the World Cup.

England
World Cups won: hahahahahaha
Climate: depressing
National bird: Lily Allen

England, often dubbed ‘the Australia of the North’, are considered by some experts to be one of the top 20 cricket-playing nations in history, and the surprise selection of John Edrich to captain their World Cup squad may catch many opponents off guard.

There’s plenty of batting firepower in the England squad, including Ian Bell, Eoin Morgan, and hypothetically someone else. Wicketkeeper Jos Buttler is also a danger man, his explosive hitting fuelled by rage at the men who stole the rest of his first name many years ago.

When it comes to bowling, Stuart Broad and James Anderson should ensure that nobody comes out of this tournament liking England. Their combination of power, skill and experience means England will definitely win the World Cup.

South Africa
World Cups won: At least three if you consider comic relief a ‘win’.
Best film: The Gods Must be Crazy
National dance: the Wiggle fingers

South Africa is definitely going to win the World Cup, despite the controversial decision to include anyone other than AB de Villiers in their team. De Villiers is uniquely well-suited to the one-day format, inasmuch as it is a format involving the playing of cricket. Nobody in the world seems to know how to bowl to AB: indeed in the West Indies he’s officially listed as a pandemic.

The rest of the South African team aren’t as good as de Villiers, because they were born of woman rather than a giant smoking egg that crashed to earth in the late 19th century. But they do have an excellent pace attack courtesy of the metronomic Vernon Philander, the towering Morne Morkel, and Dale Steyn, who has assassinated more CIA agents than any other fast bowler in history.

And then there’s Quinton de Kock, so that’s pretty funny.

New Zealand
World Cups won: pffft, right.
Mood: subdued and reflective
National sundae: rocky road

Home advantage, oodles of batting firepower, and a skilful battalion of pacemen: these are the reasons for New Zealand’s inevitable victory in this World Cup.

Led by Brendon McCullum, one of the few batsmen in world cricket who goes out every innings nominating specific spectators he hopes to hit, the Black Caps, so named because of their support of the death penalty, are a big threat to all teams, particularly the ones they’re playing against.

Filled with colourful characters like Trent ‘Lightning’ Boult, Kane ‘And Abel’ Williamson, and Ross ‘Bespoke gentlemen’s hose’ Taylor, this is a team sure to entertain even while it crushes opposition beneath its strong, hobbit-scented boots.

Don’t be surprised if McCullum follows the example of Martin Crowe’s famously innovative captaincy at the 1992 Cup by opening the batting with Mark Greatbatch. Well, be a bit surprised, obviously.

India
World Cups won: one. Just one. We’ve got heaps more, so there.
Blood pressure: a little on the high side, let’s keep an eye on it
National Disney sequel: The Lion king 2: Simba’s Pride

India, certain winners of the 2015 World Cup, come to the tournament bearing the hopes and dreams of a huge nation. Most analysts believe this nation to be India, but conclusive proof is difficult to come by.

Despite the continuation of the long-term conceptual art installation known as Ishant Sharma, there’s a lot to like about this Indian team, although personally I don’t. The sublimely talented Rohit Sharma holds the key to success or failure: if he repeats his memorable record-breaking innings of 264 in every match, his team will be a good chance of winning or at least tying those games, but if he doesn’t, it’ll be up to his teammates to take up the slack or for Sharma himself to make a slightly smaller score that is still very good.

The Indians will want to send their dashing captain MS Dhoni out on a high, but sadly this is an utterly meaningless sentiment.

Pakistan
World Cups won: one, but they wouldn’t have if that game hadn’t been rained out. The injustice still burns.
Hair: luxuriant
National pants: cargo

Pakistan, known far and wide as ‘the West Indies of Bangladesh’, are the wild cards of the tournament, meaning you can place them down on a card of any colour in a game of Uno. This gives them a huge advantage over, for example, Zimbabwe, which is a +2.

The biggest problem for Pakistan is their unpredictability, and the second-biggest problem is that they’ll probably lose quite often. But this gutsy group has overcome bigger obstacles than this in the past, and with the mercurial flair of these jolly buccaneers of the subcontinent, don’t be surprised when they definitely win the World Cup.

Sri Lanka
World Cups won: depends on your definition of ‘won’, really.
Favourite animal: white-cheeked gibbon
National Elvis Costello album: This Year’s Model

Sri Lanka enters the tournament with two big advantages: a batting order crammed with legends of the ilk of Mahela Jayawardene, Kumar Sangakkara and Tillakaratne Dilshan, and a bowling attack that includes up to three actual bowlers. These are the factors that make their triumph in this World Cup absolutely certain.

But it won’t be easy: it’s important to remember that cricket is quite a difficult game and probably at the end the Sri Lankans will feel quite tired. But people don’t say “never count out the Lankans” for nothing. In fact people don’t say that at all, and it’s these diminished expectations that make the team so dangerous: many teams have in recent years played Sri Lanka expecting an easy win, only to find that the venue has been secretly changed and they have to forfeit.

It’s expected skipper Angelo Mathews will be using many of these administrative tactics to win the 2015 Cup.

Zimbabwe
World Cups won: four or five in a moral sense.
Geography: B+
National elephant: ‘Trumpety Bill’

Zimbabwe, affectionately known as ‘the Lesotho of Namibia’, once won a game against Australia, and once won another one later on. This proud history of occasional victory will stand them in good stead as they win this World Cup – particularly if they win another game against Australia and it is the final.

Some people have already written the Zimbabweans off, but there’s a lot to like about the team they’ve assembled, which sources say includes several players.

West Indies
World Cups won: two. Kind of sad to think of now, isn’t it?
Number of macarons accompanying squad: 57
National country: Estonia

The Windies could really do some damage in this World Cup, but hopefully they keep their cool and play some cricket instead.

Opening up with the intimidating Chris Gayle, of whom it is said “when he hits them, they stay hit”, and “he also adheres to the laws of causation in other ways”, their batting is at times unpredictable, yet at other times erratic, although at its best it is often a bit up-and-down. Their bowling relies heavily on captain Jason Holder, which is a bit depressing.

Not many people think the West Indies will definitely win the World Cup, although I differ with them on that point. An awful lot depends on the performance of star all-rounder Dwayne Bravo, who is not in the team, so he’ll really have to lift if he wants to make a difference.

Bangladesh
World Cups won: I don’t really know, I couldn’t be bothered looking it up.
Sky: blue
National foot: the left

Bangladesh, who like Zimbabwe once beat Australia, are in a sense the wild cards of the tournament unless you count Pakistan and maybe the West Indies. Their team includes superstars such as Shakib al Hasan and Mominul Haque, and if they don’t let their impending winning of the World Cup distract them, they will definitely win the World Cup.

If they can make the quarter finals they’ll be a major threat, while if they can’t they will be less so. One thing they have going for them is that they understand the Duckworth Lewis system better than any other nation, which often makes other teams feel stupid and sad.

Ireland
World Cups won: hundreds
Isle: Emerald
National Degrassi Junior High Character: Snake

Ireland are in the top six or seven wild cards in this tournament and will definitely win it.

Their ability to play cricket is not particularly high, but they are very good at hurling, so they’ll be banking heavily on a sudden and fairly drastic format change before the tournament begins.

Early reports indicate that the Irish team forgot to catch their plane, which could serve them well, although I don’t see how.

Afghanistan
World Cups won: three fifths of one.
Humidity: 48 per cent
National injury: the dislocated knee

Afghanistan have never played in a World Cup before, but that doesn’t mean they won’t win this one – in fact they definitely will.

Their strengths are mostly in their batting and their sympathy-attracting, although their bowling unit also contains a few balls which they use to practise with, so it won’t come as a complete surprise when they’re asked to do it in a game.

Afghanistan is often called ‘the Berlin of the Southwest’, and nobody knows why. It’s this sense of mystery that is their greatest weapon: they will look to keep their opposition disoriented by hiding in small spaces and leaping out at unexpected times, vanishing in puffs of smoke, and so forth.

Afghanistan does have a proud history to live up to, but it’s not in cricket, so it might end up a distraction.

Scotland
World Cups won: 50 in the last year alone
Aunts: 12
National emotion: regret

Scotland, ‘the Ireland of Wales’, have for many years been one of the most powerful nations in world cricket, but due to a modest and unassuming personality, have not liked to let anyone know. This will all change when they lift the World Cup in 2015, but first they must go through the formality of winning games of cricket, just another illustration of the absurd red tape choking the ICC operation.

Scotland is better known for haggis, kilts and bagpipes than cricket, but nevertheless the Scottish players would be ill-advised to bring any of those on to the field with them. Apart from haggis, which can be very useful in gaining reverse swing.

The Scottish team has the biggest contingent at this year’s tournament, having brought over 600 players and 2,000 officials.

United Arab Emirates
World Cups won: all of them
Rocks: plentiful
National dog noise: the confused whimper

The UAE is not a real country.

So, given all that who will be the winners?

We will, cricket fans.

We will.