Two weeks ago, Australia won the Real World Cup between the only three teams that matter in world cricket. Yet, in a case of political correctness gone mad, eleven other countries have since shown up and been given a chance to compete in some kind of secondary World Cup.
Here are the ratings for Australia’s first game against England in this supplementary tournament.
Australia’s top order
Grade: D
The World Cup began on Valentine’s Day (the special day on which we remember Alf Valentine and his contributions to West Indian cricket). In the first game, New Zealand sensibly emulated fellow Z-using cricket nation, Zimbabwe, by ruthlessly dismantling the Sri Lanka attack and cruising to victory.
Initially, Australia looked unlikely to match their co-hosts, as Stuart Broad struck early, removing both David Warner and Shane Watson cheaply. When Steve Smith inexplicably chose not to score a century, Australia seemed in trouble.
During the World Cup opening ceremony, a giant puppet-robot batsman thing had been unleashed on an unsuspecting audience. Should Australia have selected this shambling mechanical monster to bolster their batting? Perhaps, but why continue to bat him at three, where he is notoriously prone to LBW or edging to slip? Strange.
Regardless, Aaron Finch and full-time stand-in captain George Bailey resurrected the innings, Big Bash League seagull-style, and set the stage for a Glenn Maxwell special.
Glenn Maxwell
Grade: B+
Of course, it should go without saying by now that a ‘Glenn Maxwell special’ could be anything from 0 off 0 (Mankaded backing up too far) to 23 off 8 (caught on the boundary attempting a third consecutive reverse-swept six) to 212* off 67 (bending reality around him like a god) or anything in between. This time it was 66 off 40. As Michael Clarke’s great-uncle, Arthur C Clarke, once said: “Any sufficiently advanced Glenn Maxwell innings is indistinguishable from magic”.
This was such an innings. Not only did it help power the Australians to 342, its mad genius flowed over to the England team, inspiring a brilliant outfield catch from Joe Root to eventually bring about Maxwell’s dismissal, which then formed the cornerstone of perhaps the funniest hat-trick in one day international history.
Steven Finn’s hat-trick
Grade: B
Everybody who follows cricket understands that this remarkable England team are going to sweep through the competition undefeated on the only measure that truly counts – comedy.
No other team can match them for raw comic power, as they clown all the way down to number 11.
Sure, other teams will produce cameos of amusement. Australia, for example, will always have the previously discussed Maxwell and Watson, who are world-class performers. But nobody can realistically compete with this champion England team who have picked up right where they left off on last summer’s Ashes Tour.
It was a professionally hilarious fielding display, with dropped catches right from the opening over. But it was the last over that saw them reach their funny fielding peak, as Steven Finn took three wickets off the last three balls of the innings, bringing up five wickets and a hat-trick. While conceding 71 runs. In a total of 342.
Peerless.
Mitchcraft
Grade: B+
When England came out to bat, they had no answer to Australia’s onslaught of Mitchells. Bowling, taking catches, exhibiting body language, the Australian Mitchells were everywhere, sharing the first nine England wickets between them.
Frankly, I hope the ICC clamps down on these performance-enhancing Mitchells. They’re ruining the game.
Long cons
Grade: A-
England have never won the World Cup. They may still win this one, of course. But it seems much more likely they’ll continue their patient long con, which is now into its 40th year.
Someday soon the ECB will be convinced that the other nations have been lulled into sufficient complacency that England can spring their trap and finally snare the World Cup trophy, just when it’s least expected.
And by ‘soon’, we may mean 2019. Or possibly 2023.
Incredible long-term focus. You have to admire it.
Dead balls
Grade: C
The game ended in mild controversy with confusion about whether or not James Anderson could be run out after James Taylor had an LBW decision overturned on review (overturned because the bowler’s name was ‘Josh’).
The umpires decided Anderson could be run out, which seemed to confuse everybody who had assumed the ball was, in fact, dead from the moment Taylor was originally given out.
However, given the confusion surrounding this incident, I think the only fair thing to do is to replay the game.
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