In light of Daly Cherry-Evans’ recent flirtations with a number of clubs, and Greg Inglis’ speculative departure to French rugby, I’ve managed to dig up a sports agent’s step-by-step guide to extracting maximum value in the capitalist free market of athletic endeavour.
1. State publicly that your client is open to any and all athletic possibilities in the future. This cannot occur too early in the process. For example, if the player has just signed a new contract, begin making these kinds of statements the day after the signing.
2. Make sure that any reference to changing clubs or codes is not mistaken as a euphemism for earning more cash. Instruct your client to say things like “fresh challenge”, “testing myself in new competition” and “setting new goals”. These quotes will be snapped up and inserted, po-faced, into news copy.
3. Contact the administrative bodies of all national sporting codes (plus any other sports mentioned in the BRW Top 50 rich list) and let them know that if they were to put the word out to trusted media sources that your client is ‘open to discussions’, you wouldn’t disagree.
4. Make sure that your player has had a fresh set of photos ready to distribute to the media. If the player is married and has kids, a family photo will work best. If not, one with his pet dog or his mum is the way to go. Avoid the use of mugshots, CCTV footage or anything taken on a phone in a public toilet where possible.
5. Know your client’s value. Remember: It’s never about the money, it’s always about getting a fair deal. However, be sure not to oversell your client’s value to your client. Not everyone can pull off a Shane Watson, and you don’t want to be left with a Trent Merrin.
6. Insist to the media that under no circumstances will your client talk to other clubs until negotiations at his current club are completely exhausted. Proactively talk to other clubs yourself.
7. When negotiating with other potential clubs, get the player down to that part of the world as soon as possible on ‘holiday’ or, better still, for a ‘coaching clinic’ or some ‘charity work’. Ensure that you book in a few meetings with real estate agents while you’re there. Ask local media what the schools in the area are like ‘for a friend’.
8. Ensure that other clients on your books come out in support of the player that you’re shopping around – even if they’ve never played together or actually met in person. A quote like “He’s a great competitor, wherever he ends up he’ll make the team better” from another athlete is soundbite gold. Twitter was made for this type of stuff.
9. Keep them guessing. When the football operations manager from your player’s current club calls, answer the phone and make small talk then make a beeping noise with your mouth and tell them that you have a rival club on the other line and have to go.
10. Do your homework. There’s no point bothering to talk to clubs that have no money. Publicly, frame this refusal to negotiate as a ‘concern over the stability of management’, ‘shaky coaching situation’ or ‘just not the right fit’. Don’t laugh in a journalist’s face when they say something like “Is Cronulla a realistic option?”
11. Clubs at the bottom of the barrel looking to rebuild are often ripe to be squeezed (see also; clubs geographically separate from the rest of the nation i.e. Canberra, and clubs embroiled in a ‘crisis’ i.e. take your pick). They’ll pay overs to get players and the “I just wanted to come and help build this team into a contender again” is an easy line to feed the press. The feel good ‘rebirth’ and ‘phoenix’ narratives also make the swollen pay check a lot more palatable to fans.
12. Assure every club that has expressed an interest that your client is leaning towards going with them. In the end, whichever club your player ends up at will think you’re honest and straight-talking. Apologise to the rest and blame your client for changing his mind at the last minute. They’ll think you’re honest and straight-talking. Continue on with reputation intact.
13. When your client signs with a new code to play a sport that they’ve only ever seen on TV, insist furiously that it was never, ever, not once, ever about the money. Have your client say things like “The main priority was looking after my family”, “I’m glad to have this sorted and to get on with the job” and “I’m now 100 per cent committed to the team”.
14. Drive off in your new Audi.
15. Refer to Point 1.
Follow Brin on Twitter: @brinpaulsen
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