Are you new to rugby? Have you been watching rugby with your friends and family, but still have no idea what the difference is between a tighthead prop and an winger?

Or do you know all the names of all the positions of the game, but don’t have the faintest idea what their purpose is on the field of play?

If the answer is yes to any of those questions then I say to you, fear not! Rugby is easy to understand once you get all the positions down and in this piece I will unravel all the mysteries that plague you at night.

We’re starting with the most important players on the field – the forwards.

Thanks to sources that I am forbidden to verify – contract obligations and all that – I have gotten feedback from several professional athletes currently plying their trade in the professional game.

They have helped me compile this easy guide to present to you, the enthusiastic rugby grasshopper. So here it is.

1. The Loosehead Prop according to Benn Robinson
One thing you need to understand is that the loosehead prop is by and large the natural enemy of the tighthead prop. It’s been that way for a hundred years and it will never stop.

They just don’t like tightheads, not even the ones in their own team.

Now the loosehead prop is usually some where between 175 centimetres and 185 centimetres tall and can weigh up to 125 kilograms depending on his diet. They are also usually shorter and smaller than the tighthead prop.

Their job is to scrum and test the will of a referee usually by complaining to the ref about something the tighthead is doing wrong, whether in his team or his opposing scrum technician.

They are also allowed to run with the ball and they are also given opportunities to display their superiority by tackling an opposing player. In extreme cases the loosehead prop may even take the place of the fly-half at first receiver like the Stormers used Brok Harris to good effect in 2012.

Wallaby loosehead Benn Robinson is the best number one in the world and probably the best ever. He reinvented the core functions of this key position.

“The loosehead is the general of the front row, obviously.” Robinson said with a straight face oozing confidence.

“We don’t take flack from anyone in the front row. We are aggressive, skillful, flexible and mentally agile. We are humble mate, we only claim to be better than everyone in the front row, not the entire team. It’s the number eights who think that of themselves.”

“I wouldn’t say that we looseheads hate tightheads props per say, hate is such a strong word. We just detest everything that they are, everything that they do and everyone who likes them. There is no hate. And they’re fat

“But in saying that I feel that the IRB is just protecting them too much and it seems like World Rugby backs them on that front. I mean when a team is shoved off the ball then the commentators call it a tighthead. Why? Everyone knows that the tighthead has no real purpose in rugby and that they make scrummaging impossible.

“The IRB need to address this problem. They should take away the tighthead prop and put in another loosehead prop. If they won’t do it then we’ll have to turn our pleas to World Rugby. I mean imagine how good scrums would be if both teams only fielded two loosehead props.

“Two number ones packing down beside the hooker. In our case one plus one equals eleven so Bob’s your uncle, you have not only two looseheads now, but three wingers as well. That’s the future of rugby.”

2. The hooker according to Dylan Hartley
The hooker is a hybrid between the intelligent loosehead and the metrosexual openside flanker – according to New Zealand-born England international, Dylan Hartley.

Hookers pack down between the loose and tighthead props in the scrum and are charged with the duties of pushing the opposition and hooking the ball. They also throw into the lineouts and act as looseforwards in the breakdown.

“We don’t mind all the tasks we are given. In fact we strive from the challenges. The coaches know that we can take all the pressure.”

“I think that because we play a contact sport, we hookers have very thick skins so we brush off the crude jokes regarding the name of our preferred position.” Hartly mused when asked about the overt sexual jokes he cops about the position’s name.

“Personally I think that we hookers are very underappreciated in terms of our lineout prowess. I can tell you from experience that I am, by a country mile, the best in the world with throw-ins. Take last year’s Test against England at Twickers last year. Every single time the All Blacks kicked into touch, Brodie called it on himself and I found him every single time. I can still remember all those England okes giving me the eye, shouting stuff like ‘identity crisis’ whatever that means (laughs)! ”

“And lastly we are by far the most disciplined players on the field. Richard, Bismarck and I had a braai at the du Plessis farm the other day and talked long and hard about our discipline.”

3. The tighthead prop according to Martin Castrogiovanni
Tighthead props are seriously misunderstood creatures. They aren’t proud or boastful and they play for the team, for the coach and for the fans. Apart from the referee, the tighthead is the best player on the field except when the TMO comes into play.

Like the loosehead prop, tightheads participate in the scrums. Tightheads though don’t hate their counterparts in the same way hatred is thrown their way. In fact when a scrum commences the tighthead usually grabs the loosehead and pulls him toward him, but as always the loosehead proves stubborn and usually collapses, destroying any chance the tighthead had of embracing his shorter counterpart.

“We just play the game for one another with the hope that one day planetary prop relations will prosper.” said the big and burly Italian. “They make it hard for us though.”

“We don’t mind that the world is against us, we just want to dazzle the crowd with our finesse. The world will come around one day and until then we’ll endure because, yes we can. We’re the heroes that rugby deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So they’ll hunt us. Because we can take it. Because we’re not their heroes yet. We are silent guardians, watchful protectors… Dark Knights Rising against the Bane of our existence.”

“But in truth I feel offended by loosehead props. But I don’t hate them. Peace and love. I just don’t like (censored).”

4. The locks according to Brodie Retallick and Victor Matfield
Look past over yonder my friends. Scour the hilltops enshrouded in illuminating sunlight and sever the mountains that tear through the starlit sky. Can you see the beanpoles moving along the Gold Coast like organic Transformers among mere mortal men? It gives me great pleasure to introduce you to the locks of rugby union.

2014 World Rugby Player of the year shakes hands with Blue Bulls pensioner and both take their seats.

The locks are giants spawned from the Titans. They contest against one another in the heavens in what they like to call a lineout. There have been plenty of debates whether a number four and a number five lock have different roles. Brodie Retallick and Victor Matfield disagree on this subject.

“Nonsense!” Retallick beamed at Matfield. “Four and five have exactly the same roles. Both compete in lineouts and both scrum. Both carry the ball and both tackle and commit to rucks.”

“I have been privileged to play with the best five lock in the world in Sammy Whitelock and he is an unsung hero. His work rate is phenomenal.”

“A lie!” Matfield cried. “Where has the youth gone? How is rugby being taught these days? You young whippershnappers have deluded yourselves. The number five is solely for jumping in lineouts and being captain.”

The conversation ended violently with both promising to meet one another on the rugby pitch. The rematch looms over the horizon.

The blindside flanker according to Sam Burgess

The blindside flanker is blunt and his IQ levels usually start with a comma. They have their uses on the field however and more often than not act as human battering rams and human shields for players like the scrum-half.

Most importantly blindside flankers are players who accidentally enlisted themselves in rugby teams instead of joining their desired NFL teams.

Basically,this means that they are NFL players who are too stupid to realise they’re playing rugby union.

“I remember the first time that I played for Bath in the premiership. I got the ball in an awkward position and I had to readjust my hands because those stupid Gilbert manufacturers made the ball too big. It’s a real problem here in the United States of America who are supposed to be the best that American Football has to offer.”

“Nevertheless I got the hang of it and I saw that my receiver was about twenty yards away wearing a jersey a little different than mine. I reckon that I’m a good quarterback and that I have a decent pass so I torpedoed it with everything I had. But then the unthinkable happened. I hit my target supurbly but he ran completely the other way and subsequently touched down for the opposing team! What the hell was he thinking?” Burgess was livid, his veins popping up from his neck.

“I lost all my trust in my comrades and they seem to think that it was my fault… My fault we lost they told me! Can you imagine that? Anyway I realised that it’s me, myself and I from now on so since then I tuck in the ball underneath my considerable biceps and I run into traffic. They’ll realise they need me sooner or latter… Excuse me I’m getting a call from my manager…”

“What?” he whispered turning red. “Rugby?… I’m in England?… I actually play centre even though everyone says I’ll never make it in that position?… What?! I used to play rugby league?! And you tell me this now?!… I understand, thank you…Wait, did I get the meaning of NFL right though? Is it what I said it was?”

He turned toward the camara. “So when does the interview start again?

5. The openside flanker according to Richie McCaw
Richie McCaw is the best player that rugby union has ever seen. He transcends human existence, he defies logic and he holds no regard to the laws of physics.

Richie has been stamped, eye gouged, pinched,punched, wammeed, wedgeed, noogied, bitten, tickled, slashed, bashed, steamrolled, shoulder charged, kneed, bombed, nuked and pumped full of nine millimetre rounds from four AK 47’s. He has been concussed, his foot has been broken, his ribs have been maimed and his legality called into question by millions of television screens multiple times and yet The King stands.

His body is broken, his pride tarnished, his character has been questioned and age has finally caught up with him. But one thing remains and no it’s not his hands on the ball.

It’s his hair.

Richie has fabulous hair, hair that never fails him, hair that never changes shape or loses substance. How exactly does it stay like that in games, even when it rains? Is it immune to water? Or is it just as strong as he is?

The openside flanker is a player who gets in down and dirty with the law. Harry Jones is a lawyer and he’s failed at numerous attempts to prosecute McCaw. The openside is a thief, a liar and an illusionist. Harry Potter uses McCaw’s Invisibility Cloak during his adventures.

Yes, oh yes the openside flanker is a cheater. A dirty player. He also carries, scrums and tackles, but in essence he’s a cheat. A cheat with marvelous hair.

Appearance is the name of the game for an openside leading the other positions to consider the openside a metrosexual. Like a criminal standing trial in court, the openside presents himself as clean-cut and attractive pretty boy. Case in point Wallaby captain Michael ‘The Locks’ Hooper.

“Contrary to popular belief, people don’t really want to meet me for my rugby or my personality. They want to see my hair.” McCaw said bitterly while flying an aircraft on his PS4.

“One day Steve (Hansen) came to me and said ‘Mate, you do know that if you opened a booth at the nearest flea market and gave away your hair secrets, you’d make more money than you ever did with rugby.’

“I didn’t like the idea so I ran a few laps around the country to warm up and cool down befor the game. Reado said there wasn’t enough time, but I made it back just before kickoff five minutes later. I ran more laps than I bargained for.

“Look, I don’t know why my hair is the way it is. It’s just one of those things and if it helps me cozen the ref then all the better.”

6. The Eighthman position according to Duane Vermeulen
The eighthman is a position that demands superiority. To be the number eight is to be rugby itself. You are the best, you are the biggest, you are the smartest and all the players around you are your subjects.

The number eight controls the ball at the back of the scrum like he controls the very fabric of reality itself. He carries the ball into contact and tackles arriving players.

“Most people don’t know that William Webb Ellis was a number eight.” says Thormeulen.

“And the first rule of rugby that he cemented in stone was that the number eight is more important than all the other players, the captain, the coach and even the fans. Fans don’t pay money to watch rugby, they pay money to watch me and Kieran Read.”

“Another rule that Will wrote down is that it is entirely illegal to tackle or run into a number eight. Eye contact with an eight is worth a red card and a year’s suspension. We kind of felt sorry for the other guys who were lesser than we are so we decided to make exceptions to those rules.

“In truth we number eights rule the world. The South African national president even needs my consent to get out of bed. That’s the way of it. Do you want to know how good I am? Okay I’ll tell you. When I do pushups I don’t push myself up, I press the world down. I once won American Idol by using sign language. In 2011 I won the World Poker Championship by using Pokemon cards.” Thor put his hammer away and folded his arms in disapproval.

“You know what really burned my grill? That people actually had the gal to tell Kieran that he shouldn’t spend so much time on the wing anymore. I was furious. I ordered Jean to open my Twitter account and he typed my message too. ‘Kieran, these guys really don’t know what they’re talking about. YOU make the rules here, my maat. Go on doing what you’re doing. Kindest regards Duane Son of Odin.'”

“You know I had to work hard to become this godly being you see before you. Five years ago everyone was riding the Pierre Spies gravy train and said I’ll never make it. I want those people incarcerated immediately.

“Look where we are now. Now I’m the baas on the field and Pierre’s my waterboy. He knows how cold I want my refreshment and he knows he should kneel before me when he gives it to me. Life is good!”

I hope you learned something new by following this guide.

Up next, the backline.