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The beginner's guide to rugby union positions : The backs

6th March, 2015
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Dan Carter capped a magnificent career with a dominant performance in the World Cup final. But was he the best player of 2015? (AAP Image/Steve Holland)
Roar Guru
6th March, 2015
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2754 Reads

Are you new to rugby? Have you been watching rugby with your friends and family, but still have no idea what the difference is between a tighthead prop and an winger?

Or do you know all the names of all the positions of the game, but don’t have the faintest idea what their purpose is on the field of play?

If the answer is yes to any of those questions then I say to you, fear not! Rugby is easy to understand once you get all the positions down and in this piece I will unravel all the mysteries that plague you at night.

Today we’re going to look into the positions of certain players who have no real purpose other than scoring tries and looking fabulous. The backline.

For those of you looking to learn about the most important players on the field, the forwards, you can check that out here.

Now as in the first edition of this guide, we have had the privilege of asking various professional players in order to better illustrate the technicalities of said positions, and I am pleased to make all my findings public.

So without further ado, enjoy the guide.

9. The scrum-half according to Mike Phillips
You know when you have a little brother who always goes around yapping about everything that he finds is unfair? The same brother who always has his hands tied up in everything and no matter how many times you tell him to leave your stuff alone he just never listens?

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Well I don’t. I don’t have a baby brother, but after watching numerous scrum-halves do their thing in rugby for the past three years, I think I have the basic idea.

The scrum-half’s primary job is to talk the ref into submission. Scrum-halves debate all the technicalities with the ref and they know a fair bit about politics too.

They’ve even become so popular all over the world that there’s currently a movie about them in the making called “Pass Kick Pray”. The movie is said to premiere in South Africa come the winter and it will star Julia Roberts as Mike Phillips.

Honestly finding the right scrum-half to talk to was a difficult task. At first we intended to talk to All Blacks magician, Aaron Smith, but then his agent told us that he was on holiday in Japan. It didn’t help searching for him seeing as the average height of a Japanese male is even shorter than he is so it’s basically like finding a needle in a haystack.

After that we bumped into Ruan Pienaar in Dublin and asked him if he was up to the task to which he cheerfully agreed, but when the time came for the interview and I asked him his first question I realised that his answer would last longer than it does for him to clear a ruck so we took our leave and he was left heartbroken.

We then attempted to question Wallaby superstar, Will Genia, but he closed the door in our face saying that he and the rest of the team were busy “bonding” and we left it at that. You can’t answer the phone if it isn’t ringing.

We were really scraping the bottom of the barrel when we attended a sumo wrestling match contested by Piri Weepu and Ricky January for the world heavyweight title. I decided that we were wasting our money.

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All hope seemed lost. Before we returned home I decided to make a quick stop in Wales because well… I’m a South African living in the North West Province so I don’t know what snow looks like. Anyway here we heard a rumour that Mike Phillips was in the Forest of Enlightenment and that he was practicing his game. We caught up with him.

For the sake of clarification I present this one to you in the form of a Q and A. Take from it what you will.

Mike Phillips : “Welcome brother van Zyl. Make yourself at home. Shall I bring you some sustenance for the soul?”

AvZ : “What?”

Mike Phillips : “Coffee dear child.”

AvZ : “No thank you Mike. Listen, I’m working on this guide and…”

Mike Phillips : “You seek enlightenment on the scrum-half position? Yes, I know. It is written all over your aura. Listen young one, what you must understand is that even though we scrummies look like nagging brats on the field, in truth, we are practitioners of the ancient arts.”

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AvZ : “So you aren’t really like you are on the rugby pitch at all?”

Mike Phillips : “Not at all young weed eater. When we take to the hallowed grounds of rugby we ascend to our rugby persona. Every great scrummie has two parts of his psyche – the one he leaves off the field, the hippopotamos and the one he assumes when he plays, the monkey.”

AvZ : “Okay… So tell us more about your role in rugby?”

Mike Phillips : “We balance the synergy of the team. When the forwards grab hold of the ball and keeps it with them for long periods of time it builds bad mojo. The bad mojo upsets the balance in the Force and we, the harbingers of deliverance, channel these energies into the ball and send it to the backline. When their chi is forfeit and all seems lost we take our feet and boot the ball away and discard the transgressions of the past and the team is born anew…. Or completely screwed depending on the counter-attacking capabilities of the opposing team.”

AvZ : “Thank you for your time Mike.”

Mike Phillips : “The pleasure was all mine, but remember one thing young and mysterious one… There are no winners or losers in life… Only peace, love and reproduction.”

AvZ : “Good luck with the game this weekend Mike. Stay humble.”

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10. The fly-half according to Daniel Carter, Heyneke Meyer and Handre Pollard.
The fly-half position is commonly given to those who cannot play rugby, to the kids whose fathers are forcing them to contribute to society by having them bludgeoned by real men who have been shaving since they were seven.

If there is one player who has done this position a great injustice it is Daniel Carter. Carter has only recently begun to understand the fundamentals of fly-half play largely thanks to the fact that he’s been injured for what seems like years.

“I’ve really just discovered the subtleties of first five-eighth.” Carter said as he caressed his neck brace. “All these years I’ve sort of only went through the motions, trying to contribute to the grand scheme of things.”

He continued, “I feel I have a lot left to learn, but my career’s only just begun so I have loads of time left to become a proper pivot. In fact I’m taking it so seriously that I’ve even decided to go to France seeing as they always produce the world’s best.”

Now don’t confuse the fly-half with the fullback. The fly-half does actually have a job to do on the field, it’s just that they are inadequate to do it. The job of a fly-half is to just “go with it”.

He shouldn’t make any decisions and he shouldn’t try to help his fellow teammates because most of the time he is the only guy on the field that understands absolutely nothing about rugby.

When the nagging scrummie gives him the ball all he needs to do is pass it, hold it or kick it. All fly-halves play a mental game of rock-paper-scissors to determine which he should do.

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“Many times people have come to me and said, Dan why did you throw that pass? You sold Ma’a down the river, you hoodwinked him, you spoon fed him to the opposing team!

“That’s his problem, he was the one who ran that line in the first place screaming ‘Dummy! Dummy!’. He was calling me a dummy so I think he got what he deserved. I did my job and that was passing the ball, not thinking, getting rid of it. I did my part.”

To further understand the technicalities of the fly-half we caught up to Springbok coach Heyneke Meyer after his team beat the All Blacks at Ellis Park.

“We feel good about the result, but we still don’t have our answer at 10 yet. When you look at the history of Springbok rugby you’ll see that we continuously struggle with quality fly-halves and it doesn’t look like ending soon.”

“In saying that I think that Handre Pollard had an excellent game at 10, but I’m convinced he can’t play 10. He scored two tries against the best team in the world and he created Francois Hougaard’s try so I think he’ll be a fantastic inside centre once he gains 20 kilograms.”

When asked about his possible positional shift, Handre Pollard was completely ecstatic. “I’ll play wherever my country needs me.” He said smiling. “It’s not uncommon for South Africans to shift to positions that they’ve only ever played in touch rugby on a moment’s notice.”

“I look forward to the challenge! I’ll probably start with 12 then 13 then 14 and when they’ve completely sucked all the talent right out of me I’ll probably end up as a useless 15. I can’t wait!”

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12. The inside centre according to Francois Steyn
Inside centres are basically flankers in the backline who only care about their wallets. They may not be as blunt as the blindside flanker, but they’re also not nearly as smart as a loosehead prop.

In fact inside centres are blindside flankers on standby, waiting for the inevitable chance to steal a ball at lineout time.

“I’m huge.” Steyn said while chowing down on a KFC ‘Man versus the World Fully Loaded Box Meal’. “I mean look at me, I’m 191 centimetres and 110 kilos of pure beef! I can totally take Kaino.”

Steyn is correct when he says that inside centres have become huge, Just look at him, Sonny Bill Williams, Jamie Roberts and the ever imposing Matt Toomua… Okay maybe not Matt Toomua.

“Some people said that I became fat, I can’t imagine why.” He then decimated a Big Mac burger. “I only ever adapt to the situations that I’m facing. For instance, when we play the All Blacks who are generally a sub-standard team, I become Fat Frans. When we play Japan or if I play in Japan I become Fit Frans.

“When we play Samoa who aren’t really a physical team I become Friendly Frans. When we play Australia I become Forgiving Frans. When we play a real dirty team like Ireland I become Feisty Frans and when I play against SARU I become Financial Frans. You see I work with a game plan.”

The inside centre also signs a different contract from those of his teammates. His contract stipulates that he is paid triple the amount of his own standard salary. Steyn however claims that he is not greedy in the least. In fact he and Sonny Bill Williams compete to see how empty they can get their bank accounts.

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“(Laughs) Yeah I’m not in it for the money. Money Bill Williams and I have this little bet we have going that says that the one with the least amount of moola needs to wear a dorky-looking beard. Guess who that is!”

13. The outside centre according to Adam Ashley-Cooper
The outside centre is a position of purgatory. Let’s face it, whether in the backline or in the forwards, the outside centre always gets the short end of the stick. It’s always about the scrummie with the crisp pass or the fly-half who knows nothing or the loaded gun at 12.

The poor outside centre doesn’t even appear on TV during most games. The worst thing a referee could ask a 13 is “Does your Mum know you’re on TV?”

The outside centre does his best though. He acts as the general of the defensive line even though everyone generally dismisses him as a passenger in the team.

The life of a 13 is a life half lived. He’s too far away from the ruck to be caught by the camera and when the ball does eventually go his way, the inside centre usually skips him in favour of the winger.

The man known as ‘Mister Fix-It’ can’t fix the injustice done to 13’s, but he can relate to their pain.

“It’s savage mate.” Ashley-Cooper said. “When I play wing I usually look at poor Tevita and think… That face deserves some screen time. On other days when I’m on fullback busy doing nothing I look at poor Tevita and think… Maybe that’s a good thing.”

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Adam Ashley-Cooper has played almost every position known to man. He’s been a fullback, a winger, a centre, a referee and once he was even given a game at goalie for the Socceroos.

“They’ve nicknamed me Mister Fix It, but in truth I’m more like Mister Convenient. Half the time before kick-off not even I know what I’m going to play on the day.” He took a sip of java and frowned.

“Michael (Cheika) has even tried to make the process more fun for me by styling it after Deal or No Deal. We take our luggage bags and write a number inside and then I choose one each round and a position number fell away, just like in the real game show. Michael’s the show host, Pulver is the banker and the boys are the ones at the suitcases. No matter how hard I try I just never seem to get the tighthead prop position.”

When asked whether he thinks outside centres will become as big is their inside centre counterparts, he just shrugged. “Take a look around mate, we already have props running around in number 13 jerseys.” He referred to French juggernaut Matthieu Bastereaud and English demolition man Manu Tuilagi.
“I think that when they were asked what positions they play they said one and three which ended up with 13. But then again who am I to judge if I can’t even pass?”

11 and 14. The winger according to Julian Savea… And Julian Savea alone.
“Zap, boom, bang! Lightning strikes the same place thrice! Travelling at the speed of light, too fast for the naked eye! Julian Savea gets his hat-trick against England! He is the greatest player to ever walk the earth!”

That is, give or take, the commentary provided to us by Justin Marshall and Grant Nisbett and it pretty much sums up the winger in rugby.

Wingers are selfish players who hog all the glory for themselves. They think just because they’re faster than everyone else, they are God’s gift to rugby. The sad fact of the matter is that wingers are by far the least skilful players on the field.

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Catch and run, that’s all they do. Pass? Never or at least we hope not unless it’s an inside pass. Wingers are selfish beings.

“I want the ball and I want it NOW.” Savea says as he stares down the camara. His look is cold and calculating, but at the same time menacing. “I don’t care how I get it, I just need to get it or there will be trouble.”

Savea, known as ‘the bus’, is a player much likened to an elephant. He stampedes his way into glory and he never forgets a single thing.

“I remember last year against England when I was on my way to score my gazillionth try against them, Israel (Dagg) got into a wee bit of space and I was open for the tryline.” Savea had in fact fifteen defenders coming up against him (including the referee as Chris Ashton generally doesn’t count), but we all know he would’ve scored anyway. “But then he dummied to me and tried going himself which ended up in failure.”

“I remembered that little show… So when we played against the Crusaders I reminded him of it since he had clearly forgotten. Kieran (Read) tried to avenge him, but he too got bumped. In fact who haven’t I completely eradicated in world rugby?” Savea began recalling.

“Israel Dagg? Bumped him. Kieran Read? Bumped him. Cornall Hendricks? Bumped him. Jan Serfontein? Bumped him. Steve Walsh? Bumped him.” Savea stood up.

“Let it be a lesson to the lot of you. Forget the other winger, you only need me. Give me the ball and only me. Then sit back and take up knitting or something because I will score.”

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15. The fullback according to Zane Kirchner
The fullback is a position that requires an innate amount of understanding and tactical astuteness. This is because the fullback does absolutely nothing. That is his job, he has no job.

Fullbacks can be found in their respective 22 metre territory zones usually having a braai or watching TV. If the opposing team does manage to break through the fullback may look to extend his foot from his couch and trip said player, but other than that the fullback is just there to chill and maybe help the referee out with a few calls he’s unsure about.

“It’s true.” Zane ‘the Crazy Train’ Kirchner said as he lounged on his lazy boy seat. “Fullbacks do absolutely nothing. That’s what we’re good at. In a way we’re kind of like coaches in our own right. We analyse the game and find weaknesses within the performances of both teams and we relay our findings to the management at half time.”

“We may tackle once or twice each game and we might even run a metre or two, but that’s about it. We also help the ref out a fair bit. I was at my best in that regard when Pierre ‘The Ruck Inspector’ Spies helped me out from the front as well. There were seldom calls that we missed.

Zane Kirchner is the greatest fullback who ever lived. Not only is his rugby supreme over all his peers, his iconic look has inspired plenty famous figures in media and entertainment. For instance Kirchner posed as Captain Niknaks for the popular snack, Niknaks, indigenous to South Africa. His short hair look was also used to design Bart Simpson of the iconic TV series.

“You know that fullback play was almost endangered by a certain Kiwi by the name of Christian Grey… I mean Christian Cullen.” Kirchner said. “He started the trend of joining the line and supporting the ball carrier. It’s all just negative play and I’m glad that 50 Shades of Grey is out so that everyone can see him for the fraud that he is.”

Kirchner has publicly stated his dislike for the 50 Shades trilogy, but holds his Sex and the City: The Complete Collection boxset very dear.

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And that concludes our look into the many different positions that plays the game we all hold so dear. I do hope that this Beginner’s Guide has answered the questions that plague you at night. It was a pleasure giving it to you. Enjoy and…

I almost forgot about the bonus content.

Here is a quick look into a very popular and very controversial decision by a referee that destroyed an epic Test match. I call this one ‘Romain Poite : Director’s Cut’. These incidents led to a new form of slang to develop in the South African youth. Phrases like “What a Poite” and “Stop being such a Poite” have since emerged.

In 2013 an in-form Springboks team arrived at Eden Park to take on the mighty All Blacks of New Zealand in a much anticipated match-up.

Bismarck du Plessis copped an early yellow card for a very legal tackle on All Blacks fly-half Daniel Carter, after which he received another for an elbow to the throat of flanker Liam Messam. We have uncovered some disturbing audio records that prove that the latter card was not all what it seemed. Take a listen to this :

Romain Poite : Jean I want to speak to number two.

Jean de Villiers : Bismarck! Kom hier!

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Bismarck : Mister ref?

Romain Poite : No, no, leave your misters and your sirs!

Bismarck : But almost everyone goes in with the elbow these days, mister ref.

Romain Poite : I don’t care about that. I want to ask you a question.

Bismarck du Plessis : Yes mister ref?

Romain Poite : Which popular British rock band released a record selling album titled Hysteria with a song of the same name on the track list?

Bismarck de Plessis : …

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Romain Poite : What?… No?… Nothing…? Red card.

It’s not what you thought is it?

Well that’s it for the Beginner’s Guide, hope you guys enjoyed it. Up next a serious article and enjoy the rugby on show this weekend!

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