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Please don't embarrass me, CM Punk
AW Tait
Roar Rookie
15th March, 2015
3
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How would CM Punk go in the UFC?
AW Tait
Roar Rookie
15th March, 2015
3

Dear CM Punk, I have a message for you.

Please make this work. Please, please, please don’t embarrass yourself whenever you hit the octagon. For the sake of all WWE fans, both closet and open, please put in an honourable performance when you finally get to fight.

I know that you’ve totally distanced yourself from the fake scripted world of wrestling so as to focus yourself on the real thing. I’ve come to terms with that after being in denial for many, many months.

There’s still a part of me that kind of hopes this is all a big hoax and you return at WrestleMania or something, but seeing you working at Roufusport and fraternising with Team Pettis has convinced me that it won’t happen.

But while you move up in the world, riding in your wake will be every fake scripted fighting fan in the world. We need you, CM Punk, for our own credibility; our own legitimacy. We need you to succeed so we can feel a little less ashamed about our childish hobby.

I’ve got three friends around my age who I can talk wrestling with – one of whom is my own brother. Many of my friends have at least a fleeting interest in UFC, especially now that my home state has finally made cage fighting legal.

So while I can talk at will about Ronda Rousey tapping out Cat Zingano in 14 seconds at will, or Anderson Silva scoring the decision over Nick Diaz, I have to be very selective with whom I bring up The Undertaker’s return.

If you at least put up a fight against your first opponent, my “normal” friends will see that there is at least a little legitimacy in WWE performers being legit hard men, capable fighters and skilled athletes, rather than meathead steroid freaks.

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This isn’t meant to be a professional wrestling column, though. This is an open letter to you asking that you please, please put up a fight. If you won, that’d be even better. We’re not expecting you to go 1-0 against someone like Johny Hendricks or Lyoto Machida. We aren’t expecting you to choke out Nick Diaz after he objected to your career change. We just want to see you raise some eyebrows and sway the opinions of UFC fans, and those of sports in general.

It won’t be easy. Brock Lesnar won the heavyweight title and still couldn’t get love from much of the UFC world.

We want to see that your well-slated background in Muay Thai and Jiu-Jitsu is real and can be put to good use. We want to see that your resilience isn’t scripted and that you can take a punch with the best in the world. We want to see that your well-publicised man-crush with Rener Gracie has left you in good stead on how to grace the octagon.

We want to see you scale the cage and jump on top of… no, wait. Not that one.

You’ve already racked up plenty of haters. Some of them are coming around (Ben Askren for one, as anti-UFC as he may be) while others probably never will. But the hope that you might one day be able to punch Nate Diaz in the face? That sits pretty well with me.

Please, please, please, Punk. Don’t embarrass a grown man who still watches children’s entertainment each week any more than I already am in front of my peers.

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