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And so it comes down to this. Australia versus New Zealand. Big brother versus little brother. Deserts versus mountains. Emus versus kiwis.
Crocodile Dundee versus Frodo Baggins. 50-year-old Russell Crowe versus 20-year-old Russell Crowe. There are many many ways to describe the upcoming clash, but perhaps the most apt is ‘Australia’s cricket team versus New Zealand’s cricket team’.
Make no mistake, this is no ordinary World Cup final. This is a match with an epic, ferocious and bitter history behind it. No two teams have such a long and rich history, unless you count Australia-England and a few of the other ones.
The Australia-New Zealand cricket history goes all the way back to the infamous 1946-47 Test series, which was cancelled after just one game due to only one game having been scheduled. After this there were several decades of tense, exciting inactivity, the arrogant New Zealanders deliberately and maliciously being ignored by Australian administrators.
The rivalry resumed in the 1970s, when the Kiwis, infuriated by actions that Greg and Trevor Chappell had not executed yet, tore into their task with gusto, and lost with even more gusto, a failure many historians attribute to the fact the New Zealand captain’s name was “Bev”.
After the upheaval of the 1970s, World Series cricket, the advent of the aluminium bat and the controversial invention of Tony Greig, when the Aussie-Kiwi battle entered the 1980s, the fuse of unrest was lit by Australian captain Chappell’s unfortunate hallucinogenic episode, during which he accidentally drank a bottle of window cleaner during the innings break and became convinced that he was legendary Hambledon Club batsman John Small.
Concerned that his brother Trevor was risking the team’s fortunes by bowling illegal overarm deliveries, Chappell instructed him to comply with the laws of cricket by bowling underarm, and thus was a legend born. Heated words were exchanged, diplomatic relations became strained, and New Zealand briefly declared war on Australia, recalling troops only when it became clear that nobody had noticed.
Revenge for the underarm incident came in 1985, when Richard Hadlee famously dismissed every Australian batsman, set fire to the Australian flag, and punched the prime minister in the face all in one day. Indeed, the 1980s was a golden era for New Zealand cricket, as Hadlee, with assistance from other legends such as Trevor Franklin and Stephen Boock, reigned supreme.
This changed in the 1990s, when Australia regained its dominance over its neighbours, the Kiwis’ cunning deployment of a series of irritating wicketkeepers to no avail.
As the 21st century dawned, Australia ruled the world, while New Zealand languished, yet contests between the two remained as fierce as ever, thanks to the healthy respect both nations have never had for each other.
That disrespect will come to an almighty head on Sunday, when 22 proud warriors take the field to throw balls at each other in the grand tradition. As is always the case when Australia meets New Zealand, or technically when any other event occurs in the universe, history will be made.
But history is written by the winners: which gang of bat-wagglers will be dipping their feathers in ink on Sunday night?
The last time the two sides met, New Zealand humiliated Australia’s batsmen, following which Australia humiliated New Zealand’s batsmen, before New Zealand came out on top ten humiliations to nine.
Will this be repeated? Or will the unfamiliar environs of the MCG befuddle the Black Caps as they have so often before?
And will, indeed, the New Zealanders’ designation as “black caps” prove a bad omen, a la the great Westerns of Hollywood history, in which the black hats would always be shot to death by the white hats?
Then again, the Australians will not be wearing white hats – will this be a strategic blunder? Also they will not be carrying guns, which cost them in the 1996 World Cup and might again. Indeed as good a judge as Gideon Haigh has confidently declared that the chances of Australia shooting New Zealand to death on Sunday are “low”.
The major players? The key to New Zealand’s chances is Brendon McCullum. If he can, as he has threatened to throughout the tournament, hit a triple century, Australia will be under the pump. Australia’s talisman is Mitchell Starc, who will go a long way to securing Aussie victory if he can take seven or eight wickets in the first ten overs.
Yet in big games, it’s so often the unheralded players who come to the fore, the unlikely heroes. My prediction for matchwinners on both sides:
Australia: expect George Bailey to play a major role as 12th man. Not only might he take a crucial catch while Shane Watson is off the field in the toilet, but his speedy delivery of new gloves and hydration will be a major contributing factor to his team’s victory.
New Zealand: Their fortunes may well hinge on the performance of the ghost of Bert Sutcliffe. Depending on who he possesses, it could make the difference.
Whatever transpires, though, it is bound to be another glorious chapter in the gripping story of these two nations’ cricketing battles, and whoever wins, and whoever loses, we must never forget the most important thing: England didn’t even make the quarter-finals. Remember that? Hilarious.
Anyway, good luck to you all.