For my final ratings of the summer, I wandered down to see the World Cup Final between Australia and New Zealand. Amazingly, five train stations away from the ground, I had my backpack inspected and was asked to put my match ticket through a turnstile. That MCG, so big.
Australia
Grade: F
Leading into the game, Foxtel was showing replays of World Cup finals. In a shameful display of petty bias, however, they chose to show all of Australia’s previous World Cup victories and not a single one of New Zealand’s.
Their embarrassing jingoism was perhaps justified, though, when, once again, Australia conspired to ruin a World Cup final, as they’ve been doing since 1999. Whether it’s bowling first (1999), batting first (2003, 2007) or umpiring first (2011), Australia have imposed themselves on the finals in a way their opponents have not been able to match.
It’s easy to point the finger at Pakistan, India, Sri Lanka and Aleem Dar respectively, but surely Australia as the common factor (even in the form of Simon Taufel) is where the problem lies.
But the ICC, like the horrific misshapen pig-headed ostrich hybrids they are, stuck their giant porcine flightless bird-skulls in the sand once more and allowed Australia to ruin yet another World Cup Final.
This time, Mitchell Starc castled Brendon McCullum in the first over. Mitchell Johnson took three scowling wickets of his own. James Faulkner messed up the New Zealand batting power play with a combination of slower balls and obnoxious swagger. All while Josh Hazlewood bowled approximately forty maiden overs in a row from the other end.
It was too much for New Zealand who ended their innings all out for a disappointing 183.
Mid-Innings Break
Grade: B-
With the ICC perhaps realising their mistake, the change of innings saw a stunning change of plan. The World Cup was now to be decided by a novelty obstacle course that was to be run by giant foam sponsor product-wearing fans cruelly plucked from the crowd.
Tragically, however, one of the Australian fans – I think it was the guy dressed as a LG television set – won this race too. So the World Cup reverted to being decided by the cricket match, in which New Zealand still had a theoretical chance of winning.
After all, India had won the 1983 World Cup after posting an identical score of 183. And one day cricket hadn’t changed much since then, right? Right. So the Black Caps were definitely in with a chance.
Not much of a chance, though, as at the edge of the ground, Steve Smith could be seen practicing his batting. Not only was he doing so while wearing a cap rather than a helmet, he was also batting without pads. What exquisite form he’s in.
Celebrations
Grade: B+
The Australian run chase started well, as New Zealand foolishly dismissed Aaron Finch early. This brought Smith to the crease, ensuring victory for the home team.
As the crowd began its drunken celebrations, Dave Warner was dismissed for a punchy 45, presumably so he could go join in.
Michael Clarke came out to bat in his final limited overs game, determined to ensure it would be the first World Cup victory by a team with a palindromically nicknamed captain since the West Indies with Clive ‘Taco Cat’ Lloyd.
Glenn Maxwell’s Razor
Grade: D
Glenn Maxwell showed up to the match clean-shaven. At least, clean-shaven while he was in the field, where he took a wicket second ball, hypnotised Kumar Dharmasena into giving an LBW (overturned on DRS) a little later and then effected a geometrically precise run out to end the innings.
Presumably he would have come out to bat in full beard, had he been given the opportunity. Because as we all know by now, Maxwell likes to mix things up. Alas, he was denied the opportunity.
Still, even though he didn’t get a chance to bat in the final, such is Maxwell’s unique talent that I must admit I’m surprised and a little disappointed at how few runs he scored.
Sure, it’s easy to dominate when you face deliveries. But I’d expected him to lift when facing this trickier situation. There must now be serious doubts over his big game temperament.
James Faulkner
Grade: D+
James ‘The Finisher’ Faulkner didn’t bat either, with Smith instead hitting the winning runs. So, technically, if Faulkner didn’t finish it, does that mean this World Cup is still somehow going?
God, I hope so. It’s been a great tournament from the moment that giant cricket robot monster thing showed up at the opening ceremony.
I vote we have a World Cup at the end of the summer every summer. Who’s with me?
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