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We of the Rooster family are going coco bananas: another of our homespun guns has been craftily lured from our coop by a cashed-up cap-dodger that doesn’t even operate out of Australia.
To coin a term from another bitter beachside type: I demand an investigation! (And can someone please sound the sarcasm alarm?)
As we’ve heard, Roger Tuivasa-Sheck has opted to return to New Zealand at year’s end, deciding he can spend not a minute longer away from family and eye-spinning loads of NZD.
It’s an unforeseen decision that not only leaves the Roosters with a reduction in hyphens, but also well up the custodian creek without a plan for 2016. Well, not one that we know about anyway.
So if you guys can take time out from laughing at their misfortune, I would love to know who you think is going to fill the breach left by the tap-dancing Kiwi?
Luckily for the Bondi boys, they’ll never go hungry for suitors. As a cabbage-laden club planted in a desirable clime of nightclubs full of trendoids and $25 schooners, there’s always exciting talent already on the books or young dudes clamouring from the outside for a slice of the tricoloured pie. Anyone remotely available is invariably ‘linked’ with the joint, be it Pommy forwards or janitors.
So will Trent Robinson and his crew recruit from the market or opt to look internally? Let’s speculate with this hit list compiled from unnamed insiders, hearsay and an imagination that’s two-shandies deep.
Blake Ferguson
A popular choice among the analysts. Seeing as though he’ll be taking most of Roger’s money, it seems logical that he can pick up his slack on the workload too. But do the Roosters have too high an appreciation for his weapons-grade properties at centre?
I have to agree with the hierarchy. Moving him away from the edges would be like shelling out for a boob job and having them fitted to your back. You know the old saying: don’t weaken one spot to strengthen another, or attract lewd construction workers to wolf-whistle at your collar bones. But I could be wrong.
Latrell Mitchell
As an in-demand Australian schoolboy who’s already in the ranks and braining the youth competition, he too has been widely tipped. Convince him to hang around with some crap about loyalty, and you’ve got a diamond that’s initially cheap to run at a relatively low start-up cost.
More importantly, he has a slick moniker packing serious cut-through for the frivolous Sydney market. It’s totes Chooks.
Mitchell could go two ways. Robinson could grant him a freshman season cutting his teeth on the wing, free of pressure and without expectation, or he could be thrust straight in to fullback and judged by the universe weekly on how he’s faring as the next Greg Inglis.
Alex Johnston
The freak Bunny has plenty going for him. He’s a white-hot four-point cyborg with toe-curling pace, plus he’s got youth on his side and a feral desire for a full-time crack at the back.
All of this is highly attractive to the Roosters, but not as attractive as the prospect of them robbing their neighbour blind. Don’t underestimate this.
Brett Stewart
While not as rampant as in previous months, rumours of The Snake’s hatred towards his employers has never been totally knocked on the head. Until they are, he can consider himself ‘linked’.
In the highly unprecedented event that a footballer’s contract could be somehow broken at short notice, Stewart would be a shrewd acquisition. In his final years, he would be perfect as the kind of wise, receding head who could usher through a finer-coiffed protege before being coldly banished.
Israel Folau
Media outlets are pouring water on this possibility, stating that the ARU’s generous wages will be a bridge too far for the Roosters.
To those, I say poppycock. Have you forgotten who you are talking about here? This is the wallet of Nick Politis, a man with the corporate benefactors and luxury cars to make dreams happen.
Whatever rugby’s offering, you can add an extra zero and two Saabs. He can’t be ruled out.
Jarryd Hayne
Let’s imagine that Reggie Bush doesn’t know his untried rugby players from far-off lands and Hayne’s NFL experiment ultimately fails. Could you go back to living in Harris Park after a year in San Francisco?
Of course not. You would find it much easier reacclimatising in Darlinghurst, making the Roosters a perfect fit. All they would need is the boost of David Smith’s hairy war-chest to get them over the line. Right there, Robinson gets his fullback while the rest of the league community goes in to apoplexy.
A long shot, but a deliciously tantalising long shot.
Ben Barba
The current Sharks half is a genuine fullback who has a tendency to bail from his organisation before the stipulated timeframe. So with the Roosters on the hunt for a fullback and the paltry state of the modern contract, it would be rude of me not to include him on this list. 500/1 at best.
Sam Tomkins
Now that’s just silly.
Anthony Minichiello
Now I’m being really silly. But not as silly as….
Todd Carney
Rumours that Politis wants a second crack at retrofitting Carney with some manners just simply won’t subside. There’s only a gazillion things that would have to happen for it to become a reality – NRL clearance, halves surplus, prohibition – but if it does, he has spent time at fullback for the Roosters before.
In saying this, so has Braith Anasta.
Bring it in, Roarers, and let’s speculate. Who’s the new Rooster custodian in 2016?