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Location: All Blacks dressing room, Carisbrook (daytime). This is part two of the house of pain series.
Steve Walsh strides confidently into the All Blacks’ dressing room. The players are deep in their pre-match routines and take no notice of him.
In view, Jonah Lomu is lost to the beats of his motivational music, Bernie Fraser occupies his favourite corner, Joe Stanley adds more starch to his upturned collar, Glen Osborne plays on his Gameboy.
STEVE WALSH
Any of you blokes have a hair straightener?
JOSH KRONFELD raises his hand sheepishly. A few players who paid attention to the question throw puzzled looks at him. He tries to bury his secret shame deep down.
JOSH KRONFELD
I use it to make my scrum cap lighter. Burns the rubber down to a minimum. You know, makes me go faster. What do you need it for, ref?
The players seem satisfied with the implausible explanation. Walsh runs his fingers dramatically through his hair.
STEVE WALSH
The same reason I have to wear this hideous pink uniform. It’s another IRB directive to make me look less ruggedly masculine. They say I’m taking the spotlight away from the players, as I’m such a perfect physical specimen.
ANDREW MERTHENS pricks up his ears and gives a wry smile.
ANDREW MERTHENS
Haven’t read about anything like that in the papers.
Walsh checks himself out in the mirror and makes a minor adjustment to his hair.
STEVE WALSH
That’s because it only applies to me.
Kronfeld passes Walsh his hair straightener. Walsh gives him a quick nod of the head. SEAN FITZPATRICK frowns.
SEAN FITZPATRICK
Speaking of IRB directives, are you allowed to be in here? You might get accused of being unfairly influenced by our team.
Walsh looks Fitzpatrick squarely in the eyes.
STEVE WALSH
Let’s get one thing straight other than my hair. I don’t get influenced by the players, Fitzpatrick. I influence them.
Walsh pauses for dramatic effort before calmly exiting the dressing room. Olo Brown chuckles to himself.
OLO BROWN
Good luck trying to reason with that guy, Sean.
SEAN FITZPATRICK
Full credit to the man. He can’t be persuaded to change his mind on what he sees. So we just have to make sure he doesn’t see anything.
GLEN OSBORNE
You mean blind him?
KEES MEEUWS
No Ozzie, he means making sure the ref doesn’t see what we don’t want him to see. Like the bet Fitzy made this morning on me scoring the first try.
SEAN FITZPATRICK
That never happened. Much like this.
Sean Fitzpatrick gives Kess Meeuws a swift punch to the stomach and knocks the wind out of him.
SEAN FITZPATRICK
You understand now, Ozzie?
Osborne laughs maniacally.
GLEN OSBORNE
No more than why Bernie Fraser is here. His name wasn’t on the team sheet.
SEAN FITZPATRICK
He’s happy there in his corner. Just leave him be.
BUCK SHELFORD
With all due respect, your attitude stinks fullas. We’re about to go into the biggest test match of our lives and your minds aren’t on the job.?
JERRY COLLINS
No point peaking too early, bro. When you lead us in the haka, that’s when the magic will come alive.
Jerry Collins massages oil on his biceps. Andrew Merthens’ eyes widen as he compares his quadriceps with his team mate’s biceps.
IAN JONES
We’re lucky to have so many leaders throughout our team. Calm heads and composure should get us home, Buck.
COLIN MEADS
Should being the operative word, Kamo Kid. Test footy doesn’t always go according to plan.
GRAEME BACHOP
You got that right, Pinetree. There ain’t many of us here who’ve tasted World Cup success.
WALTER LITTLE (melancholically)
Don’t remind me. The scars haven’t healed yet. I don’t think they ever will.
CHRISTIAN CULLEN
At least you got to play in your preferred position. They stitched me up at centre.
ANDREW MERTHENS
At least you didn’t miss a vital drop goal in a final.
CHRISTIAN CULLEN
Mate, at least you got to play in a final.
BUCK SHELFORD
Whakarongo mai, there’s way too much negative energy in here. Let’s get together in a huddle.
The players spring to their feet and join arms to form a circle around their captain.
Now, outside on the ground…
Bill McClaren, microphone in hand, takes up his commentary position in the Scotsman’s stand. He looks out over the stands groaning with the sheer weight of people dressed all in black attending the match. His voice booms out over the loudspeakers at the ground.
BILL MCCLAREN
Welcome to the Edinburgh of the South wherever you’re watching around the world on this magnificent winter’s day and a warm greeting to each and every one of you in this fantastic crowd. A special thanks to Diggercane for liveblogging this match, which you can follow through the Roar app.
Bill McClaren fixes his gaze on the people obediently standing around the touchlines. On the halfway line, Kia Kaha takes in the view from his hot tub. He places him arms around a couple of bikini-clad Sharks cheerleaders and chuckles at a banner two fans are holding up in the crowd. It reads RUGBY WISHLIST: Bring back Buck with a line through it followed by a tick. The other reads Bring Back The Ruck…
BILL MCCLAREN
This well-behaved crowd has spilled onto the park like a waistline after lunch on Christmas Day. Reminds me of the great Shield match between Canterbury and Auckland at Lancaster Park.
The World XV players run out onto the field led by Keith Wood, who looks like the Duracell Bunny on ecstasy. Muted applause ripples through the crowd.
BILL MCCLAREN
The great Irish leader brings his players out into the cauldron of fire and he’s dashing about as if his feet are literally on fire.
A huge roar of applause announces the arrival of the All Black players. Buck Shelford strides purposefully towards the halfway line.
BILL MCCLAREN
Buck Shelford, this proud warrior captain, leads out his troops calmly towards the middle of the ground. In contrast, Andrew Merthens is scurrying about like a frightened lamb searching for the comfort of its mother’s teat. I can assure you there’s plenty of nerves there on both sides.
The All Blacks take up their positions and the World XV players link arms and form an arrow head five metres from the All Black players.
BILL MCCLAREN
No anthems of course today. Just the haka and then straight into battle.
A hush comes over the crowd. The atmosphere resembles the moments just before an electrical storm. The World XV players inch towards the All Black players until they are standing right up to them.
Visitors changing room, daytime…
The final of the 2015 Rugby World Cup. Kia Kaha faces up to Richie McCaw, who resembles the Uruk-hai leader envisaging the last ever human slain. The rest of the players wrap their arms tighter around one another.
KIA KAHA
It doesn’t matter what you’ve achieved or haven’t achieved up until now. It’s what you bring to this match that counts. The slate is wiped clean. This is a chance to write history today and only the victors get to write what happened.
Kia Kaha circles the All Black huddle, searching out the eyes of each player.
KIA KAHA (Cont.)
Your opponents today are going to be playing as if their lives depended on it. Fear of losing will drive them to greater levels of intensity. Your fate depends on how you meet that challenge and your actions today will determine whether people still talk about you in years to come. So you can’t look back on today and wonder what might have been. You can’t afford to leave any questions unanswered. You must enter this House of Pain and withstand what your opponent throws at you.
BEADUEN BARRETT leans in towards Richie McCaw’s ear.
BEAUDEN BARRETT (whispering)
Who the hell is this guy and what on earth is he talking about?
RICHIE MCCAW
I’ve got no idea but if we’re lucky, he’ll leave us all alone soon enough.
The dressing door opens. A WORLD RUGBY OFFICIAL enters. Kia Kaha holsters his weapon and backs up towards the door.
WORLD RUGBY OFFICIAL
It’s time gentlemen.
Join The Roar rugby editor Christy Doran, former Wallaby Matt Toomua and a cast of regular and special guests as they look at the biggest issues in the game on The Roar Rugby Podcast. If you’re looking for great odds on the next game check out Aussie bookmaker PlayUp. Chances are you’re about to lose. Set a deposit limit.