Here’s my game show interview with a fictional English cricket fan. Enjoy!
Interviewer: Win Jin-Pom, welcome to the studio.
Win: Hello, thank you for having me.
Interviewer: When the English selectors believe a bowler needs to be replaced, who may they replace him with?
Win: Well the selectors can pick between a right arm medium-fast pace bowler and a right arm off spinner.
Interviewer: Yes, or?
Win: Or they can pick between a right arm off spinner and a right arm medium-fast pace bowler.
Interviewer: Correct. Who were the first five players Geoffrey Boycott might have picked for the Barbados Test?
Win: His daughter’s hockey team is predisposed at the moment so I’m going to go with Adil Rashid, Johnny Wardle, Jim Laker and Graeme Swann – with his mum as captain?
Interviewer: I’ll accept that. When Alastair Cook scored a century, what did he prove?
Win: That his captaincy surpassed Sir Donald Bradman’s batting as the best thing to happen since sliced bread.
Interviewer: No
Win: That he could hit a cow’s arse with a banjo?
Interviewer: Wrong sport Win. The answer we were looking for is, “No matter what you think of his captaincy, he still has a place in the English side.” Why does England’s line-up contain three number 7 batsmen?
Win: English fences are particularly smooth to sit on.
Interviewer: Well done – that was a tough one. Why does Stuart Broad still bat ahead of James Anderson?
Win: That’s what the data supports.
Interviewer: Oh that’s a little cynical. What is Chris Jordan’s greatest attribute towards the English side outside of his bowling?
Win: He is able to catch a cold without having to resort to swimming in the Caspian Sea in the middle of winter.
Interviewer: Correct. Is Kevin Pietersen a great, misunderstood player who should be brought back or a selfish individual who should have been axed sooner?
Win: Well I think Pietersen was a very good player whose anxiety was often taken for arrogance, with flaws like any other person but is unlikely to find a spot in the English middle order.
Interviewer: I’m sorry Win but that was a closed question, you had to agree with either of the prepositions I put forward in my question. We’ll have to leave it there, thanks for joining me.
Win (musing to himself): I wonder if England can have Rashid stuffed and put in the museum next to Ian Salisbury? Oh right thanks for having me.
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