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One time I came second in a pancake-eating contest. There were 19 contestants and I beat 17 of them. Without any doubt, after the contest, I was the most miserable.
I was one swallow from winning; one wretched, syrup-gagging, regretful mouthful my doom.
I envied the victor: trophy aloft, belly distended, magnanimous king. I would have swapped places with all the other luckier losers; their bellies were almost flat, they were laughing and relieved.
South African rugby is trapped in a runner-up pancake-eater vortex.
Heyneke Meyer got the job of Springbok Saviour. His task: win every time but make us less white while managing players wherever they are in the world and don’t say anything controversial.
He could design a cascading labyrinth of game plans for differing weather and hemispheres and score-lines and referee doctrines. Focus on pummeling Ireland in Dublin, Wales in Cardiff, England in London, and France in Paris, every November with a European-based squad. Build daylight between the Boks and the Wallabies, using a physical juggernaut game plan.
Or he could use as his organising principle: beat New Zealand and everything else will fall in place.
He used the latter approach. And it has given him the most dreaded position in sport: number two. Second best. The bridesmaid. The wingman. The alternative. The other guy. The chaser. The challenger.
When the winner is holding his trophy aloft at the French Open, there is that glum loser gripping his silver plate in the background, muttering to himself. He was better than all the rest, but it is no consolation.
The silver medalist at the Olympics knows she should rejoice, but she is less joyful than the athlete who finished eighth, and tells everyone she ever meets about it, the rest of her life: “I was in the Olympics!”
Meyer went toe to toe with the All Blacks at Eden Park in 2013, but fell short after Bismarckgate. He tried to win a try-fest at Ellis Park later that year, and enthralled the rugby world. But he finished second. Then, he tried trench warfare at Wellington in 2014, but lost the war by inches in the last minutes. Finally, his young generals, Handre Pollard and Patrick Lambie, triumphed.
Over those two years, the gap drew slowly smaller. But as the inequality shrunk, the passion for equality grew. Economists have noticed this phenomenon. Now, Meyer was faulted for how close the victory was, how gradual his progress was, and everyone became a Freudian psychologist as they predicted his World Cup decisions.
‘Ja, he cut Morne Steyn, but he never said he won’t ever ever ever again use him.’
‘Don’t talk to me about injuries. If Pieter-Steph du Toit was healthy, I know for an absolute fact that Meyer would still pick Victor Matfield.’
‘OK, we kick less than the All Blacks, but we like to kick. They kind of apologise when they kick. You can tell they prefer to run. We run more but I can feel that we want to kick.’
‘Don’t tell me about beating New Zealand. We lost to Ireland.’
‘Second? Second?! That’s worse than kissing your sister.’
If everything follows the UK bookies’ predictions, Meyer will have to play a mini-Rugby Championship at Twickenham this year: beat Michael Cheika’s outfit and then Hansen’s seasoned, settled team.
There is nobody in rugby who has more specific, recent, relevant, and successful experience in that two-step task than Meyer. The fact that the games would be at a neutral venue where Meyer has not yet lost is not a negative.
He will have the most in-form Super Rugby props at his disposal, two of the best five hookers in the world, a top three lock linking arms with a legendary lock, one of the two or three best opensiders based in the Northern Hemisphere, a top two No. 8, experience at scrumhalf and the most promising young flyhalf in the world.
He will call upon one of the deadliest strike wings who ever played, a playmaking fullback, and might also have two of the most inspirational comeback players in history (Schalk Burger and Jean de Villiers). Many of these players will be fixated on, obsessed with, dedicated to righting the wrong of 2011 and finishing their careers in a blaze of glory.
But leading into the tournament, South African fans are living that nightmare of being the guy with the half-eaten pancake drenched in syrup wedged in the gullet, eyes watering while trying to swallow.
Join The Roar rugby editor Christy Doran, former Wallaby Matt Toomua and a cast of regular and special guests as they look at the biggest issues in the game on The Roar Rugby Podcast. If you’re looking for great odds on the next game check out Aussie bookmaker PlayUp. Chances are you’re about to lose. Set a deposit limit.