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Amongst vast unrest on Wednesday night about 10:30pm, one forlorn group of Queensland locals will be seen stealing a keg from the Caxton Hotel. Then using the customary pocket knife they each carry to rob the servo for smokes, they will inscribe it with the following words.
“In affectionate remembrance of Queensland rugby league, which died at Suncorp Stadium on July 8, 2015. Deeply lamented by a large circle of sorrowing friends and a legion of unemployed. RIP.
“The strings of eight banjoes will be cremated and the ashes taken to Sydney.”
STATE OF ORIGIN LIVE SCORES – GAME 3
More 2015 State of Origin:
» State of Origin news
» State of Origin fixtures
» State of Origin teams
» State of Origin 2015: Game 3 preview
» Why NSW will win Game 3
» Why the Maroons will win Game 3
These profound words, definitely not plagiarised from any other sporting contest and most probably the first ever words coherently scribed in the state, will mark the dawn of a new utopian wonderland and the prolapsing of a nefarious empire of Maroon grandmasters.
This message will mark the moment the shield was defended after it was rightfully pinched back following eight years of wrongful lay-by. Tonight, the Blues will finish Queensland. Forever!
(Or until sometime next spring when it’s time to complete a three-peat. Whichever comes earlier. Not picky.)
Everywhere you look, the aromatic south is heaving with a spritely hoohah that implies the Blues have got this game in the bag, and that’s because they have.
What’s more, it promises to be a glorious ransacking that will far exceed the drought-breaking duck’s nuts of last year.
And why is this so?
Because this time around, it’s just bloody special. And it’s forced Gorden Tallis to want to punch things.
Laurie Daley’s 2015 Grange is an exhilarating dose of fancy schmancy stuff like tries and hubris, a magic mix packing enough bite to stupefy the people of the Premier State in to a medicated-like attitude towards tonight’s fait accompli.
The factors pointing to Bluetopia are stacked high, long and strong, and it all starts with the venue. That’s right, none of Daley’s men give a tinker’s cuss anymore about The Cauldron.
Suncorp’s ‘aura’ and ‘ridiculously high winning percentage for Queensland’ mean nothing to anyone in New South Wales these days, except for a rare couple of suckers in Phil Gould and Matt Johns. Oddly, they’ve spent the week tickling it up as ‘another level’ and ‘hell on earth’, but to be fair, what would they know anyway?
I don’t ever remember seeing Gould play Origin and Johns isn’t even the best footballer in his family. That’s why their ‘educated and rational analysis’ is a mere drop in an ocean of chest-beating and pre-booked tickertape parades.
Blokes like Gus and Matty need to get on board with the straight dope. When you strip away factors such as the crowd, the referee, the opposition and the lack of clean drinking water, winning in Brisbane is a piece of piss. You just have to simplify, man!
It’s nothing more than a basic game of footy played in front of a crowd of violent troglodytes with no job to lose. What could possibly go wrong? All you need is vicious line speed, neat kicks to the corners, and to avoid eye contact with anyone on the other side of the fence at all costs.
And if the plan doesn’t go to plan, New South Wales can take strength from the fact there is nothing in the makeup of a Suncorp decider that even comes close to what they’ve inflicted on themselves in the past.
Injuries, suspension, loss of form, friendly fire, criminality, love spats and flagrant dipsomania have pickled this squad to within an inch of invincibility. They are so galvanised that not even typhoid can touch this, which could come in handy when the time comes to cross the border.
Secondly, there’s a myriad of touchstones in the visitors’ favour.
The skipper may not know this yet, but after consulting with family and friends, Shane Flanagan has finally listened to his own body and decided that the time is right for Paul Gallen to retire.
How could the Blues pass up the opportunity to give him and Justin Hodges the send-off they both thoroughly deserve? To miss out on this golden chance would be a monumental poke to the jatz of which no reasonable man could recover.
Leading Gallen to his deserved swansong will be a one-tonner pack that is now barely street-legal with the nitrous oxide of David Klemmer. They cause floors to rumble and trainers to sleep, so best put Gramps to bed and secure any hot drinks and/or small children that are close by come kick-off.
And what about the unflappable Trent Hodkinson? He has graduated from dependable first-grader in to an Origin specialist used as market parlay. Geez, he’s coming along nicely. I believe I even saw him run the ball in Melbourne, although that could’ve been a raccoon.
Nevertheless, with his sleight of hand and ability to transpose to invisibility, Hodkinson truly is hard to read.
Should his surname be pronounced with a ‘G’? Where’s the ‘D’ in his nickname? If he doesn’t know, then the Maroons have no chance.
Plus there’s good news on Robbie Farah’s hand. Speaking from his offices at The Gentle Dentist, Blues medico Dr Nick Riviera has confirmed that the Tigers man was only refused entry on a flight because his carry-on luggage was full of enough aerosol air-fresheners to endure a week in Brisbane.
Provided he’s not required to perform push-ups or open a jar of mayonnaise, and provided you aren’t reading this less than an hour before kick-off, Riviera has confirmed Farah is beef jerky-tough and good to go, and that Michael Ennis is still solely focussed on playing for Cronulla last weekend.
Now as per tradition, I shall cast aspersions on Queensland.
I’ve studied their preparation and it appears they’re nosediving like the Greek economy, mainly because they all can’t stand the sight of each other and because Mal Meninga took his shirt off at a recovery session.
Somehow, they will attempt to hold a steadfast defensive line without the military-style direction of Billy Slater at the back.
The loss of history’s second-greatest fullback behind Josh Dugan is a gargantuan blow, mainly because we all know that Queensland just ain’t Queensland unless there’s some BS involved.
Then there’s Daly Cherry-Evans, a man deemed too unsafe by his teammates, yet is then replaced by the untrustworthiness of a bloke with two first names. Personally, I’m surprised the hierarchy didn’t just opt for someone that’s served them well in the past, like a New South Welshman.
Add to this the disastrous loss of Josh McGuire. Never mind I said he should’ve been replaced by Dylan Napa last game. After two games with a 50 per cent winning ratio, he is the heart and soul of this pack and he’s irreplaceable, unless he’s being replaced by Napa, which he’s not.
The writing is on the wall for the Maroons. Tonight, Treason Season will be New South Wales’ again, returning in a landslide for a second term.
It’s obvious that the boys in Blue are primed to trap the Maroons in a cul-de-sac of pain for the long term, eventually leading to the demise of Origin and its demotion to the delayed second game on Friday night double headers.
In 2015, there will be no nine out of ten. Only two in a row, for the obvious reason that it’s just easier to hashtag.
The Ashes are coming home to New South Wales!