Authors note: This is a leaked transcript from a recent Formula One team principals meeting attended by a mystery auctioneer.
Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the Formula One silly season auction. We have got a plethora of driving talent here for you to snap up for next year. But before the bidding starts, we’ll fill you in on what we have in stock and what is not for sale.
First off let’s delve into which lots are not for sale. Lewis Hamilton, the defending world champion, will not be on show today, he was recently poached in a three-year deal with Mercedes.
Same goes for Nico Rosberg, who’s not going to be free until 2017. Sebastian Vettel is also not for sale, and probably won’t be for some time given his self given job to single-handedly rebuild Ferrari. Felipe Massa also won’t be freed up until 2017.
Many of you may be interested in Max Verstappen but it’s unlikely Red Bull are going to let him loose any time soon, and his form is not good enough at the moment to be promoted to the senior team. The same goes as well for Daniel Ricciardo, who’s stuck in Milton Keyes.
Finally, Sergio Perez is still with Force India for a couple more years and the likes of Pastor Maldonado and Romain Grosjean won’t be unleashed from Lotus until the end of 2017.
Don’t be discouraged though, there is plenty of young talent free this year. First off is future Formula One star Valtteri Bottas. Although he’s contracted for Williams until 2016, word on the street is that Ferrari have paid them off to get the young Finn.
This puts another older Finn on the table. Do we have any takers for a Kimi Raikkonen? He’s a world champion remember, and has a strong rapport with fans world over. No takers, no-one? Not even you Mr Haas? Okay, we’ll leave him for later.
Now, Mrs Williams, (can I call you Claire?) you have an empty seat. May I interest you in some top quality drivers? First up, Nico Hulkenberg. You’ll probably remember him from his rookie year at your team. He’s had success in the junior leagues, and is thirsty for a race winning car, something which you almost have. It’s almost a perfect fit but you better get in soon, as Hulkenberg’s also looking at the prancing horse with considerable interest.
But let’s not stop there, I also have another promising talent you are familiar with. Felipe Nasr test drove for you last year and has big financial backing. If Sauber hadn’t picked him up, they wouldn’t be on the grid this year. But don’t let the ‘pay driver’ tag fool you, he is mighty quick!
There are a smattering of other drivers who may interest you as well. Kevin Magnussen impressed last year and is looking for a way back into the grid. Jenson Button always is interested in moving around, and your sponsors will be very interested in having a British world champion on the books.
Meanwhile, we have Gene Haas here for the first time, and I think I have a driver who will fit your needs perfectly. Esteban Gutierrez is a promising Mexican driver who among other things is from your side of the world and has lucrative sponsor money behind him. He’s also working with Ferrari, who you’ve made clear is your biggest ally in the field.
Another talent we have is Jean-Eric Vergne, who’s also working with Maranello and impressed with Toro Rosso in 2014. We talked about Kimi Raikkonen earlier, and he’s still available for your team if you want an experienced driver to help develop your team?
I have many more drivers available but these are some of the big players this year. Check your full 2016 drivers guide for more detailed information. I’ll give you half an hour to peruse the lots, before I start the bidding!
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