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Countdown to the Netball World Cup: One week to go!

Australia and New Zealand: Netball's two heavyweights clashed have clashed in the Constellation Cup. (Photo: SNPA / Ross Setford)
Expert
30th July, 2015
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With only one week to go before Netball World Cup begins, it’s time to give you the low down on exactly what to expect from this veritable feast of netball.

Firstly, contrary to the whinge-fest that was Ian Harkin’s piece in Netball Scoop, I am here to tell you that the format for the Netball World Cup is great.

I would even go so far as to call it flawless. I’m actually pretty sure this draw is what Beyonce had in mind when she wrote the song.

Harkin’s problem is that it is basically impossible for teams ranked outside the top eight to finish within the top eight at this tournament. To which I say, “Who cares?”

Who cares if Trinidad and Tobago, Barbados and Scotland feel hard done by? I mean, Scotland – seriously? It doesn’t even get warm enough to wear a netball uniform while you’re on fire in Scotland. Where do they get off trying to improve their position?

You see, the organisers realised that an awful lot of people would pay an awful lot of money to watch Australia play New Zealand at a World Cup (never mind that these teams play each other so often that it has become easier to count each one hour period not spent playing each other as a non-Test cap than the other way around). And why limit their spending of obscene amounts of money to one day when you could quickly double your profits by having the teams play another time – even when it’s a game so meaningless it puts the Constellation Cup to shame?

So when you consider that this draw has been created in pursuit of one of the noblest goals in sport – money – you can all join me in saying “Screw you Scotland, Barbados, and Trinidad and Tobago. And screw you again Scotland.”

But there’s more to the Netball World Cup than delightedly exploiting lower ranked nations for profit. For instance, there is the opportunity to spend 10 days holed up in Sydney Olympic Park – a place the Dementors rejected as a second location for Azkaban, as it was “too soulless”.

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Step outside the stadium for some fresh air and enjoy the ambiance of silent streets to nowhere and more asphalt and pavers than you could have ever dreamed possible.

If none of that is up your alley, why not destroy your life by taking up gambling? Here are some things to throw your money away over at the Netball World Cup:

Punch-up on court: $12.36
Punch-up in the stands: $9.28
Punch-up over the prices of the terrible food in the arena: $5.48
Person behind you in the crowd wonders loudly why Liz Ellis isn’t playing: $3.23
A female reporter spends more column inches reflecting on her own netball-playing days as a teenager than reporting on the game at hand: $2.67
A male reporter details his amazement that a game is exciting, highly-skilled and of a higher standard than his seven-year-old daughter’s Saturday morning game: $1.88
Someone in the crowd wears a South Sydney jersey: $1.01

Of course at the heart of it all will be bucketloads of netball. So much netball in fact, that you’ll submit to fingernail checks before boarding your train home, complain loudly about not getting an obstruction penalty while trying to get out the ticket gates, and shake hands and say “good game” to your family when you make it through the front door.

Some of the games will be fiercely competitive, and some will blow out as much as a Carlton game.

Some umpires will be blindingly efficient in their application of the rules, and some will remind you of Billy Bowden.

Some teams will execute their warm-up drills with so much speed and precision you’ll wonder how they even have the energy to play a game after that, and some teams will have you checking your passport to see if you might qualify to play for them next time.

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There’ll be laughter, there’ll be tears (hopefully from the English team) and there’ll be times you’re demanding a refund for three-quarters of your seat, because you only used the edge.

If you can’t make it to Sydney, never fear, as your intrepid reporter will be covering the action here at The Roar for you to read, tear by English tear.

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