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The race for the 2015 premiership is one of the most open in years, with any number of teams that probably won’t win it.
This may seem hard to believe considering the game’s high completion rate for crowning a premier on a yearly basis since 1908, but after a few weeks of floundering favourites and swapped deckchairs, it appears patently obvious that nobody has the berries to take it by the berries.
If you don’t believe me, then just ask the people, because rugby league is the people’s game and the people know their game.
They know it definitely can’t be won from outside the top four, and are highly sceptical of it being won from outside the top eight. In fact, the scepticism of the people is such nowadays that they don’t even rate those inside the top four any more.
To determine why this year’s front-runners don’t pass the sniff test, I’ve conducted a quick straw poll. Let me tell you, the results are ugly.
For the top four’s current tenants in the Broncos, Roosters, Cowboys and Rabbitohs, here are the public’s main concerns.
Brisbane doesn’t have another gear
The Broncos have been immense all year long. We should respect them, but naturally as discerning fans of rugby league, we don’t. This is because we believe they have laid bare their entire bag of tricks and thus have no further kitchen sinks to throw once it comes time for kitchen sinks to be thrown.
You know what I mean? They’re fresh out of ideas and seriously considering a bathroom vanity.
That’s right, it’s become obvious that Brisbane don’t have another level to which they can lift. They’re red-lining at full revs capacity, mainly because that’s the level of propulsion required to lug along Wayne Bennett’s oversized Caravan of Expectation. That thing is weighed down by reputation and hope and old mattresses, and the only way to lighten the load is to offload some dead weight. Might I suggest Justin Hodges?
In fairness, some pundits believe they are momentarily tapering as Bennett increases the training load in anticipation of the finals. But if he was such an untouchable mastermind like we all say he is, wouldn’t his increased training have extra training that trains them to deal with the side effects of this training? Or have you now gone cross-eyed?
Full credit to the Broncos. They’ve been brave, gallant front-runners all year, but now they have run out of ideas. I mean, let’s get serious, Adam Blair is their best player at the moment. Writing. On. Wall.
Souths are too tired
The defending premiers are gassed. Sure, they flashed their guns by giving the Cowboys a touch-up last Thursday, but a 1200-mile round trip to the sweaty tropics is hardly a revitalising session in the day spa. In fact, I consider it more like using the flashlight on your iPhone when you’re down to six per cent battery life, so I expect them to power down at a highly inconvenient time, probably when they need to order a pizza.
Michael Maguire’s issue is that his team marginally mistimed its title run by peaking in Round 1. Now they are sleepy and facing a troublesome run home, plus they have to deal with a back-to-back curse that is so bedded down these days it’s now supported in the Charter of the United Nations.
Now don’t get me wrong, Maguire is a rare genius. But whatever he has up his sleeve to deploy between now and grand final weekend, even if it’s some ice chips or a secret Stewart brother, I doubt it will be sufficient to trump Ban Ki-moon.
The Roosters are erratic drifters
This side possesses a commercial quantity of talent that’s the envy of the competition. Unfortunately, they are also the biggest bunch of glorified council workers ever seen on the eastern seaboard, and considering there’s a pothole in my street that’s heritage listed, that’s saying something.
Trent Robinson’s star-studded side has mastered the art of fitting in a minimum of 15 smokos in every working day, but the only difference to real council workers is that most of the time, they eventually get the job done. However, there’s only so long before you’ll be caught out reading Penthouse while you’re alone at the depot in business hours. I’m looking at you, James Maloney.
Come finals time, when the opposition is hungry and there’s genuine labour to be performed, their penchant for finding all manner of ways to lean on a shovel is bound to come back to haunt them. Only referees take smokos in finals footy, and that’s why they will be horrifically mowed down to the chagrin of their 34 supporters.
And if that doesn’t get them, then there’s always the Sharks.
The Cowboys are too heavily cursed
North Queensland are the romantic choice for this year’s premiership. They possess a faultless blend of rep-level forwards, pace out wide and a cunning rake, all rounded off by the peerless halves play of Michael Morgan and that other bloke they picked up from the Bulldogs.
In addition, this year they’ve continually won off-road and wormed their way out of every match situation known to man, bar beating Glebe in golden point.
Despite all of these positives, their premiership chances always have that ‘El Chapo’ vibe. While it feels like it’s locked up, nobody would really be surprised if it slips away, most probably due to corruption.
Now before you jump, I’m not saying the NRL is corrupt. What I am saying is they will do whatever it takes to prevent the Cowboys from winning a grand final, even if it’s grossly illegal. No matter how well the team is playing, they will forever shield them from the title at any cost, even if the cost is irreparable blows to the league’s reputation and integrity.
While the public may appreciate something fuzzy and romantic, the NRL see this as something that belongs solely on The Bachelor, and that’s why Paul Green’s side won’t be receiving a rose anytime soon. David Smith would prefer any other club to win one before they do, be it New Zealand, the Titans, Newtown, heck, even the Sharks.
Okay, maybe not that far.