Legal action brought against Ashes cricketers

Gareth Kidd Roar Pro

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    A class action is being brought against players from the Australian and English cricket teams.

    The civil suit is being filed after the sides took turns capitulating, and failed to complete anywhere near the 25 days of cricket they were paid to provide.

    There were only 50 sessions of cricket played during the 2015 Ashes out of a possible 75. With only a third of the scheduled overs bowled, everyone from advertisers to ground staff, even the general public, are suing the sides for loss of revenue, income and entertainment.

    Both Cricket Australia and the ECB say that their hands are tied in the matter, unable to help their players given the disastrous lack of contests.

    “Let’s face it,” a Cricket Australian spokesperson stated, “they’ve only completed a third of their job, and unless you’re a politician that’s just unacceptable.”

    The players even received a barb from the commentary box with microphones managing to pick up another Shane Warne nugget, who exclaimed that he’s actually had relationships which have lasted longer than this series.

    In an attempt to raise the funds to pay a settlement fee, players are resorting to selling their equipment. Luckily, as only three players managed to score a century, their bats for sale are listed as being in ‘mint’ condition.

    Unfortunately, even local Op-Shops have refused to take Shane Watson’s donated cricket pads, claiming that due to the amount of damage, they are ‘not fit for resale’.

    The only viable source of revenue is a proposed group sponsorship deal with a well known erectile dysfunction medication. The company is willing to bail the players out as long as their next team shirts sport the phrase: “It’s embarrassing when you finish too soon”.

    The only real winners from the series are the royalty owners from the sitcom Friends. With the lack of cricket to televise, broadcasters managed to squeeze in a whopping 316 re-runs of the former smash hit. In comparison to the batting performances, Matthew Perry’s acting prowess was nowhere near as painful.