Australia won the fifth Ashes Test by an innings and 46 runs. Despite Australian administrators’ best efforts to hastily schedule a sixth Test or have only London-based Tests count in the final tally, England officially won the series 3-2 and therefore regained the Ashes.
Here are the ratings for the fifth Test.
Peter Siddle
Grade: A-
In perhaps a bold bid to recreate the legendary ‘Peter Who?’ headlines of the 1980s, the selectors replaced the injured Josh Hazlewood with forgotten man Peter Siddle.
Their nostalgia was rewarded with Siddle immediately provided the control that had been lacking during many of the Australian bowling spells throughout the series.
For example, Siddle’s first six overs in England’s second innings looked like the following:
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That’s clearly a terrible emoticon, but it’s hard to argue that it’s also a quality bowling spell.
And with terrible emoticons such as that, a compelling narrative arose of Siddle’s bowling as the ‘Windows 9′ of the first four Tests – something that basic logic implied should have existed and yet inexplicably didn’t.
Some even went so far as to claim that Siddle’s absence cost Australia the Ashes. Because, yes, Australia’s bowling was absolutely their only problem in the Tests they lost.
Mitchell Marsh
Grade: B-
The other change Australia made for the Test was to reverse their Marsh-for-Marsh swap of the previous Test, bringing Mitchell back in for Shaun.
For this Test, Marsh adopted a ratio of 80 per cent Mitchell to 20 per cent Marsh, which feels just about right. He didn’t make many runs, but he did take a few wickets. And most importantly, he recreated his own version of the legendary Monty Python cheese shop sketch, when while fielding in the outfield, a member of the crowd offered him a piece of Brie.
Mitchell Marsh cheese shop sketch
Mitch Marsh enters cheese fine leg.
Marsh: “Do you have any cheese, noble spectator?”
Crowd member: “Yes. Here, try some.”
The End.
To be honest, it could use some work. But that’s why you need to give him a proper run in the team and show some consistency of selection.
Umpires
Grade: D
After a high quality series, in which only one decision had been overturned on DRS, the umpires dropped their standards for this final Test.
Clearly, they had celebrated too hard after the Ashes had been won and couldn’t get themselves back up for this Test. Dead rubber umpiring in its purest form.
The other main complaint against the umpires this Test was their tendency to not call no balls on the field and wait instead for the third umpire to spot them and reverse the decision when a wicket had fallen.
Personally, I don’t have a major problem with this approach. A few missed no balls are no big deal if it means they can pay full attention to the batsman. And having disconsolate batsmen start to walk off and then be told to go back and keep batting is never not amusing.
But I know these missed no balls make a lot of people cross. So, why not instead just have the non-striker call the no balls and abide by the honour system? He’s standing right there anyway. Give him something to do.
Problem solved. Easy.
Guards of honour
Grade: C
When the retiring Michael Clarke came out to bat in the first innings of the Test, the England team formed a guard of honour as a mark of respect for Clarke’s prominent place in both Australian Test history and Shane Warne’s now infamous painting.
Guards of honour are fine, but I’d like them more if captains used them as an intimidatory tactic. For example, Alastair Cook could have given Adam Voges a guard of honour when he came out. Get him thinking about his future.
But the Clarke guard of honour backfired on Cook. It forced renowned declare-a-holic Clarke to instead enforce the follow-on when England collapsed for just 149 in reply to Australia’s 481, lest there be the awkward moment of Clarke coming out to bat again in the second innings and nobody really knowing whether or not a second guard of honour was required.
So while Cook’s savvy show of so-called respect denied Clarke the final second innings declaration he so craved, it also denied England the chance to be saved by rain. Ultimately, who looks like the fool?
(Hint: the guy who got hit in the testicles by Steve Smith way back in Cardiff.)
Batting For rain
Grade: B+
As mentioned above, the rain was the biggest impediment to Australia winning this final Test. The fourth day, in particular, was tense as Australia raced to take the final four wickets before the predicted downpour poured predictably down.
Of course, it would have been much more tense and rife with potential hilarity if England had only been 2-1 up in the series at the time, giving the rain the opportunity to decide the Ashes.
Poor comedy from both teams to have not created such an amusing scenario. Getting bowled out for 60 is funny in the moment, sure. But you also have to think about the long game.
Until both teams can get that aspect of their games together, neither of them will fulfil the champion comedy cricketeering potential that’s so obviously within them. Still, plenty of time to master this by the time the 2017-18 Ashes roll around.
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