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The Roar's all time World XV Draft - Part 2 (the forwards)

31st August, 2015
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Will Richie lift the Cup again? (AFP PHOTO / Marty Melville)
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31st August, 2015
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As The Roar ‘s All-Time World XV Draft commenced, it was clear that all the selectors, even the Aussie RobC, were making sure their pack was solid, before chasing wings and centres.

For instance, in Round 2 of the draft, 14 forwards were chosen; only one back (Welsh wizard Gareth Edwards).

A lot of adjectives (“mongrel, beast, mighty, scary, ferocious, massive”) could be hurled around to describe the best 40 forwards in rugby, but let’s just hear from the selectors (Biltongbek, RobC, Diggercane, Ben Gibbon, and Harry Jones) themselves:

Biltong’s Bulldogs:
Os du Randt (SA), Andrew Hore (NZ), Carl Heyman (NZ), Brodie Retallick (NZ), Danie Rossouw (SA), Thierry Dusautoir (FR), Juan Smith (SA), and Keiran Read (NZ).

Order of selections: (10th overall pick) Heyman, (11) du Randt, (15) Read ,(16) Retallick, (29) Hore, (30) Smith, (70) Dusautoir, and (71) Rossouw.

I could romanticise my pack, write silly poetry, tell you about how when they stare into your eyes you will simply melt, I could compare the sound of their running with the roar of the thunderous hooves of a thousand kudu on the Serengeti plains.

Or I could just tell you to look at the list, and be silent and sit in awe. I think that’s more appropriate than a whole lot of drivel, like you will read from some others.

Look at my formidable pack:
• Os du Randt 127kg, 1.91m and 80 international caps
• Andrew Hore 110kg, 1.83m and 83 international caps.
• Carl Hayman 119kg, 1.93m and 45 international caps.
• Brodie Retallick 120kg, 2.03m and 41 international caps.
• Danie Rossouw 117kg, 1.97m and 63 international caps.
• Thierry Dusautoir 104kg, 1.88m and 75 international caps.
• Juan Smith 112kg, 1.96m and 70 international caps.
• Kieran Read 110 kg, 1.94m and 77 international caps.

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I have 356 kg of dried, hard, merciless beef in the front row; and Hayman could have had 150 caps if he wanted. My tight five has a playing weight of 593 kg but with two of the hardest working locks who ever played the game and a blindside flank who cleans ruck like his life depends on it.

All in all, a massive 919 kg pack; with the least experienced forward (Retallick) already a World Player of the Year candidate every year, and he’s still growing.

When selecting my pack I wanted more than just players who play in specific positions, I wanted to put a pack together that would complement each other in all aspects, rather than just focus on set piece dominance. (Although I can’t see any team in history beating this on at set piece).

It’s not all beef and brawn. I wanted smart players who can adapt. Read, Rossouw, and Retallick are all just as comfortable with ball in hand as any centre. We can play tight knockout starvation rugby, mauling and running from ruck to ruck. Or this pack can spread and pass and finish.

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It stands to reason with a front row comprising du Randt, Hore and Hayman, an engine room that includes Retallick and Rossouw, scrum dominance will not be an issue. If you were thinking of guys you wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley (or would want by your side if you were in trouble), all three of these beasts should be at the top of your list.

In the lineout, the inclusion of jumpers Juan Smith and Kieran Read provides me with four lineout options and the secure throw of Andrew Hore will mean we will win our own line outs without much issue at all.

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Tries against my team won’t be scored close to the breakdown; the Dark Destroyer is one of the best edge tacklers in history, and Smith’s targets stay down. Any mistake made by my opposition will give Read the green light to streak away, offload or keep, and score tries out of nothing.

In short, I know we’ll dominate the set piece because we are bigger, tougher, and meaner than anyone else, but this pack is selected for what they can do in general play.

Os du Randt would remind you how Matt Burke tried to get past him and the bone crunching tackle that ensued put Burke on the injury list for weeks. If your loosehead prop is one of the most energetic defenders in world rugby, there should be little question to the defensive capabilities of my pack.

Each and everyone of these players are ball carriers, be it around the fringes, channel one, or out wide. With Kieran leading this pack they can surpass any in close contact and open play. Dusautoir, Smith, Read, and Hore captained their countries, and Hayman and du Randt know more about scrums than the whole country of Australia put together.

Yes, you are asking where is my specialist fetcher? This is modern day rugby, and when every player in your pack is a demon at the breakdown, specialist fetchers are for sissy packs, and dreamers.

BBPackFormation

Harry’s Harriers:

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Marcos Ayerza (ARG), Raphael Ibanez (FR), Martin Castrogiavanni (IT), Eben Etzebeth (SA), Bakkies Botha (SA), Ian Kirkpatrick (NZ), Richie McCaw (NZ)(c), Duane Vermeulen (SA).

Order picked: (1) McCaw; (2) Castrogiovanni; (3) Vermeulen; (4) Etzebeth; (5) Botha; (6) Ibanez; (7) Ayerza; (8) Kirkpatrick.

My front row is Latin. I picked the Italian-Argentine Martin Castrogiovanni because he doesn’t just try to stabilise scrums; he destroys the souls of looseheads.

He has scored 21 tries, has 110 Test caps, punched a referee, been mauled by a pit bull, was fined £7800 for a verbal outburst, and owns a very good restaurant. He is always in either the best or worst mood, which is perfect for a prop. He needs no scrum cap; his hair protects him.

What do you get when you mate a Puma and a Tiger? Marcos Ayerza, currently the finest loosehead on the planet. Don’t believe the hype about last century’s props; none of them would survive Ayerza’s examination.

In schools, he played every forward position except hooker, so he has very good hands. He has won two premiership titles built on his scrummaging. Oh, and he breeds thoroughbreds.

I like hookers immune to tricks. So, I picked the supernaturally strong and durable Raphael Ibanez, who captained France 42 times in his 98-cap national career. You cannot be the dominant French hooker for that long if you are naïve. He played with passion and extreme disregard for his and his foes’ health. After winning two Grand Slams and playing in a World Cup final, he became an extreme rock climber in his native Basque region.

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FRONT ROW: Combined weight: 340 kg. Combined caps: 268.

My second row is a bloody nightmare.

Eben Etzebeth and Bakkies Botha are not properly civilised. The force they can generate could solve the energy crisis. They can play enforcer or lineout or ball-carrier roles interchangeably, and are the best scrum-locks in this competition.

Botha’s nickname means “truck” in Afrikaans and his great joy is to hunt (his best highlights in his 85-cap Test career are cover tackles).

A Tri-Nations winner, World Cup winner, European champion (three times) and scorer of 36 first class level tries, Bakkies ended his career as a captain, and his teammates love him as much as foes loathed him.

Young Etzebeth is Bakkies with more speed, explosive power (he works out with 60 kg dumbbells), and better hands (he played centre in schools). Neither man ever takes a step back.

SECOND ROW: Average height and weight: 2.02 m and 121 kg.

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The Harriers’ loose trio is classic. At the base, Duane ‘Thor’ Vermeulen, has one of the highest ratios of man of the match per Test in history. He dominates games. He is impervious. His “farm” strength makes his fend sickening, and is seldom tackled by one man.

His partner in crime will be history’s perfect rugby player Richie McCaw, soon to be knighted for his career: a three-time IRB World Player of the Year, resilient beyond measure, so smart that everyone cannot believe his methods are legal, and my Harriers’ skipper.

On the other flank, I have a player named as the seventh-best All Black ever by the New Zealand Herald: tall, rawboned Ian Kirkpatrick.

He debuted at Test level at age 21 and captained the All Blacks from 1972-1974. He played 39 Tests and scored a remarkable 16 tries (all in all, he scored 115 times in his first class rugby career). The best was a 55m burst from a maul against the British Lions in 1971, showing his remarkable pace, strength, and hands.

BACK ROW: Combined caps: 210 (all three are captains).

ENTIRE PACK: Captains: seven (over 160 Test caps as skippers). Combined caps: 599. Combined weight: 915 kg

In summary, the Harriers have a preposterously rugged pack, full of intelligent menace, with the best captain in history guiding them. I have four forwards who compete on the deck. My tight five might be the most powerful, foul, oppressive, and malicious rugby engine ever engineered.

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All of my forwards carry the ball. In fact, my front row has scored twice as many tries as any other. The only non-skipper is Etzebeth, but he is a young pup and just needs raw meat and jarring collisions.

I have five lineout options; and the three Saffas are world class lineout thieves. All of these men (in their prime) are/were 80 minute guys. Their common element is they are indomitable.

HJPackFormation

Ben’s Humbugs:

Jason Leonard (ENG), Bismarck Du Plessis (SA), Owen Franks (NZ), Paul O’Connell (IRE), Colin Meads (NZ), Jerry Collins (NZ), Schalk Burger (SA), and Lawrence Dallaglio (Eng).

Order Picked: Colin Meads, Paul O’Connell, Bismarck Du Plessis, Jerry Collins, Lawrence Dallaglio, Schalk Burger, Owen Franks, Jason Leonard.

Unlike most of my All-Star Draft peers I chose to focus (correctly) on a back-orientated team. This isn’t to say there isn’t a lethal forward pack to get the work done up front. I should, however, concede that my immediate plan of securing Sir Richie was lost at the second pick, so I had to scramble to make things work… but like chefs in a kitchen, I scrambled.

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Examining the team chronologically you have a formidable force of old and new, brawn and brain.

Starting at loosehead England’s premier prop and World Cup winner ‘the fun bus’ – with 114 Test caps and five for the British Lions, Leonard is undeniably world class. And how can you not pick a guy who’s colloquially referred to as ‘the fun bus’?

At hooker, Bismarck du Plessis, Dan Carter’s kryptonite and quite honestly the scariest man playing rugby today.

At tighthead, the strongest All Black ever – need I say more?

FRONT ROW: Combined weight 345kg; Combined caps 268.

In the second row are two of the greatest locks of all time. First, New Zealand hero and the only man who can claim to be greater than Sir Richie, Sir Colin Meads. With an international career spanning 17 years (133 games), Meads is one of New Zealand’s most remarkable sportsmen – so incredible in fact that he was named the country’s player of the century in 1999.

Nothing is lost on the other side. Partnered with Meads is Paul O’Connell who is nothing short of a European rugby giant. Not only is he (another) international Test centurion he has also played an astonishing 174 club games for Munster.

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Two legends locking down in a truly formidable locking combination. Oh, and as a sidenote: Both also are captains of their respective countries and clubs, with O’Connell also captaining the British and Irish Lions.

Lock Statistics: Combined weight (214kg); Combined caps (240)

Tight Five: Combined weight (569kg); Combined caps (508)

Finally, the backrow. At blindside flanker I couldn’t go passed one of Test rugby’s most formidable defensive presences, Jerry Collins. Simply, the combination of Collins and Bismarck tackling is enough to have even the most foolhardy of players shaking in their inadequate boots.

At open-side there was really on one choice once Richie was cruelly snatched from me – his arch nemesis and 2004 IRB World Player of the Year, Schalk Burger. A living legend and the most capped Springbok flanker of all time, World Cup winner and outright jackal.

To round off the back three, who could it be? Mr Rugby himself, with an incredible 315 profession games Lawrence Dallaglio (OBE) is the complete package. Not only has he captained his country, he is has also won both a Sevens and a Fifteens World Cup. If that doesn’t get you excited, nothing will.

Backrow statistics: Combined weight (334kg); Combined caps (214)

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Forward pack statistics: Total weight (903kg); Caps (772), World Cups (4).

BGPackFormation

Digger’s Demons:
Topo Rodriguez (ARG, Tahiti and AUS) Dane Coles (NZL) Olo Brown (NZL) Martin Johnson (c) (ENG) Victor Matfield (RSA) Michael Jones (NZL) George Smith (AUS) Zinzan Brooke (NZL).

My first forward pick was George Smith at openside, a dreadlocked terror at the breakdown, his skill and longevity unquestionable and still holds the record for the youngest player in international rugby to achieve 100 caps at just 29 years of age. He is the spearhead for the Demons with his speed and groundwork causing nightmares for the opposition.

The second pick was all about the set piece and in particular the lineout and I landed none other than the Springbok aerial supremo, Victor Matfield. Victor, a name with authority, will ensure the Demons win all of their lineouts and cause confusion and panic in their opposites. He knows all the tricks and opposing hookers will be thinking of their excuses before they even take the field.

Coming up third was the cornerstone of the pack, the Demons tighthead Olo Brown. Quiet and stoic, he will absorb everything that comes his way and then return it tenfold. A back so straight you can eat your dinner from it, Brown provides the stability and will stare down his opposites and with a quiet ‘no’ he will subdue all comers.

Fourth in was finding the right locking partner for my Springbok legend and as my plan unfolded, Martin Johnson was added to my demonic stable and will be my captain. Nothing fazes this man and his stare alone will wither his opponents as they meekly surrender to his will.

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He played U21 for New Zealand, captained the British Lions, and played 84 Tests for England during one of their greatest eras. He provides the perfect foil to Matfield, providing the grunt and physicality to match the skill; they form the smartest and most astute locking pair on this board.

As my fellow selectors were fluffing around with their glamour picks, I quickly moved to snaffle my 8, Zinzan Brooke.

Street smart and with all the skill to show for it, there is no doubt that he will fit in well with my initial hellish picks. Equally comfortable playing in tight or roaming the wider channels, Zinzan will combine well with Smith in the loose. Also tactically astute, the Demons were quickly becoming the smartest forward pack going.

I moved now to shore up the other side of the scrum and snared Topo Rodriguez as my sixth pick to slot in on my loosehead side. Topo brings a level of aggression and scrum dominance that is simply unmatched. Dominant on both sides of the scrum at the highest level, there is nothing that any opposing Tighthead can muster that he won’t devour and spit back out at them.

In fact, as the author of TAOS, all of his opposing props were probably weaned on his scrummaging bible and there will be no overcoming this demon master, in fact, all of the opposition will be trying to get him to autograph their copies of his masterpiece. He is also the only player on the board to play Test rugby for Tahiti.

Second to last pick was my blindside flanker Michael Jones, capped for Samoa and New Zealand. Incomparable is the word to describe him. He has it all in spades, power, athleticism, silky skills and intimidation. He is the cherry on top of my loose forward trio and brings balance to what will be the most feared trio to be displayed. Better yet, he will do it all with a smile on his face as opponents will be left crushed underfoot.

Dane Coles was my last forward pick and some may see this as perhaps strange, one that a former hooker left this position until last but also passing over many great players. Coles brings an element to this pack that you just can’t buy: speed. This dynamic hooker will perform his core duties and get around the park like nobody’s business. His dynamic play and ball carrying add another dimension to this already dominant group of Demon forwards.

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The Demon pack is the perfect mix of speed, power, skill, ball running, ground work, physicality, guile, street smarts, attitude and brutal defence while the set piece is second to none. No scrum shall be safe, lineouts will be massacred, rucks will be cleansed, turnovers will be taken, and dreams will be shattered under the Demons organised and brutal efficiency.

The apocalypse is coming.

Demon Pack stats:

Front Row: 313 kg (128 caps)
Second Row: Average height 2.01 m. Combined weight 229 kg. Caps: 214.
Back Row: 297 kg. Combined caps: 225.
Pack weight: 839 kg.
Pack caps: 467.

DCPackFormation

Rob’s Rhinos:
Joe Marler (ENG) Sean Fitzpatrick (NZL) Ewen McKenzie (AUS) John Eales (vc) (AUS) Brad Thorn (NZL) Jan Ellis (SA) David Pocock (AUS) Buck Shelford (c) (NZL).

Order picked: Eales, Fitzpatrick, Thorn, Shelford, Marler, Pocock, Ellis, McKenzie.

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The most important thing to know about a Rhino is that its horn is its most defining feature. Two of my Rhinos are World Cup-winning front rowers. They are my horn. They skewered their opponents; that’s how you win trophies.

The first is the living legend Sean Fitzpatrick, regarded as one of the finest players in the world, ever, in any category. The second is the 116kg man mountain, who shored up the 1991 Wallabies scrum which laid the foundation for the Wallabies famous first win – Ewen McKenzie.

Joe Marler looks fearsome. Because he is. He is not just a brute who will drive your neck into your backside. His scrum tactics and reaction is the most advanced ever. His technique is as subtle and deadly as the secret behind Scarlett Johansson’s appeal. His hair is shaped into a rhino horn.

Locks: John Eales. Brad Thorn. What else do I need to add? Except two more Will Ellis trophies.

When selecting the backrow, the Rhinos needed three men who would invoke in their opponents a sick feeling of hopelessness, weak knees and urge to purge all their body fluids.

The first one Wayne ‘Buck’ Shelford. Wayne. He is also a Rugby World Cup winner. He set the standard as captain to which every player, every other captain, including the modern day All Blacks aspire. As an All Black captain, he never lost a single game, to anyone. Nor will he for the Rhinos.

Buck is as tough as a person can get. In this first Test match, he received a boot in his groin which ripped one of his personal jewels from his body. Four teeth were also knocked off from his head. Having discovered his condition at half-time, he calmly asked his personal effects to be stitched back together, then ran back to the paddock and continued to play. Good luck playing against him.

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There’s more. While he may not have won the Rugby World Cup (yet), this man is a Rugby World ruck winner. Just like his tighthead prop. Nobody can move him. Nobody is faster into the ruck. This man stops entire teams. The ultimate test ‘cock-block’: David Pocock.

The final man is the least known because he lived in an era before TV. But he was a game changer and today still breaks the hearts and bodies of modern players.

The late Jan Ellis, was a fierce, fast flanker, weighing in at around 100kg. That was in 1965, which in today’s business is around 125 kg. All he had to lift was giant rocks in the Namib Desert. Mr Ellis’ ferocity, speed, strength and physical build was a category breaker. He would have given NFL’s Rob ‘The Gronk’ Gronkowski a hiding.

As a retired old gentleman living in Pretoria, Mr Ellis was robbed by an armed young criminal who shot Mr Ellis. The rangy old flanker could not be put down. Bleeding profusely, he tackled the shooter, picked him up, and carried him to his garage, where he held him down until the police arrived.

Mr Ellis played a total of 38 Tests, which at the time broke the record number of Test caps. After his debut series as a rookie, he never lost a single series to any nation, including two against the All Blacks. Also, his surname is on the trophy everyone wants.

Partnered with Buck and ‘cock-block’ Pocock, Mr Ellis would complete a backrow that would have defeated their opponents even before the match starts. They combine with the best lock that ever lived and the toughest second rower in modernity.

Their key partner is the Rhino head that skewers their enemy into a mess: the most fearsome loosehead in the world, linked with the best hooker that ever lived, and protected by a man whose only purpose for living is driving his opponent’s spine out of his pelvis.

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This is Rhino. Terror. Territory. Trophies. Sign up today.

RCPackFormation

Bulldogs Harriers Rhinos Demons Humbugs
Os du Randt Marcos Ayerza Joe Marler Topo Rodriguez J Leonard
Andrew Hore Raphael Ibanez S Fitzpatrick Dane Coles Bismarck
Carl Hayman Castrogiovanni E McKenzie Olo Brown Owen Franks
B. Retallick Eben Etzebeth John Eales Martin Johnson (c) P O’Connell
D Rossouw Bakkies Botha Brad Thorn Victor Matfield Colin Meads
T. Dusautoir Richie McCaw(c) David Pocock George Smith S Burger
Juan Smith Ian Kirkpatrick Jan Ellis Michael Jones Jerry Collins
K Read (c) D Vermeulen B Shelford (c) Zinzan Brooke L. Dallaglio

Next, we will read about the backlines selected.

Voting by The Roar will begin after all the teams are in.

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