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How low can the relevance of the minor premiership go? With each passing year it finds a deeper realm of triviality, the speed of its demise so alarming that we may see teams tanking for second place in 2016.
Remember those black-and-white days when rounding out the season on top was considered something? When triumphant sides lathered in brylcreem celebrated with laps of honour as toilet paper flailed from their tired bodies, the sense of meaningful achievement heavy in the air?
Sadly, somewhere along the way, things changed. Stadiums switched to one-ply tissue squares, and finishing first in rugby league went from a noble accomplishment to something that’s about as popular as a stripper in the Vatican.
Today, the minor premiership has an appraised value of three-fifths of bugger-all and ranks somewhere alongside the Auckland Nines knockout phase and a Group 10 playoff berth for care factor. How did it come to this?
Why do we have a cold heart for finishing first past the post?
Striving for the top over the long term isn’t a shameful act, nor is praising those that do. I tell my lady friend every single day she’s number one, and sometimes she lets me watch television. The benefits of such a stance are obvious.
Now don’t get me wrong; I’m not asking for the minor premiership to be elevated to something like English soccer, where winning the home-and-away season results in open-top buses and a celebratory song from Oasis with two verses devoted to slagging off rivals.
All I’m asking is that modern rugby league treats the regular season top-of-the-pops with some kind of respect, or at the very least, forces the players to pretend to pursue the award and pacify its presence with positive discourse.
In recent weeks, the behaviour of those in the tussle for this title has been astounding. Blokes in the business of winning things have fallen over themselves in the race to see who could seem most aloof, with some distancing themselves from the award so strongly it was like they were fleeing a bacteria-riddled carrier monkey.
Stuff the minor premiership, all everyone wanted to discuss was the bloody top two. Then it was on to unbridled adoration for the home ground advantage, the two bites and the week’s rest, all spoken of like they were a family of philanthropic cancer-curing dolphins.
When the spoils were presented to the victorious Roosters in a two-bit presentation last night, again the espresso martinis were hardly flowing. Then as if to further lower the colours, the prizemoney was spent by half-time on new jerseys before the MC mispronounced JJ Giltinan.
What is doing? Can’t there be just a tiny smidge of a thrill for capturing the blue ribbon? Just a teensy dash of regard for what it means? Maybe a few blokey smiles or even an NRL-commissioned dais that could at least present a tripping hazard?
It is starkly apparent the whole concept needs a revamp, and to do so we need to boil it down to a fundamental that appeals to everyone. Money.
This is a brilliant solution, because last time I checked, everyone enjoys coin. It can fix anything, and this is no more apparent than when it comes to rugby league, a game overrun with stakeholders who would all ignore their drowning grandmother if they spotted two bob.
Right now, the concept of the minor premiership fails because of money. With no disrespect whatsoever to JJ Giltinan, his shield no longer packs it’s old lustre as a fine rugby league carrot, and its accompanying purse of $100,000 is barely enough to pay off a month of Sonny Bill Williams.
You might as well do something stupid with it, like donate it to charity.
So that’s why I’m calling on the NRL to release some of its folding gear from the mothballs and put it towards a new and improved cheque for the minor premiership. By new and improved, I mean add more zeroes. Three would be a good start, but I’ll settle for one.
That’s right, a million. Why not? The game just agreed to take 925 units of million from telly, so just free up one and make it rain all over the team first past the post.
It’s time to change the minor in to something major. If the game’s money is good enough for grassroots and referees, it’s good enough for the top professional club that has just shown it’s miles ahead of everyone else.