Because it’s so famously difficult to wager on sports in this country, I’ve decided that The Roar will be moving in to the exciting industry of pop-up sports gambling. But hurry, it’s for a limited time only. (The duration of this listicle.)
Establishing untraceable and illegitimate ventures like this is my true passion. In fact, it gets me so roused up that I can’t even bring myself to tell the Office of Gaming and Liquor, and if you don’t either then you’ll receive a free Roar bet to the value of 120 Djiboutian Francs – open to the first 25 million customers!
NRL FINALS FORMAT EXPLAINED: HOW DO THE NRL FINALS WORK?
To get down to the business of recouping our free money back from you, I’m opening up a market on rugby league, firstly because it’s there, and secondly because it’s September – the time of year when we douse our sensibilities in mayonnaise and feed them to the cat.
Finals time is fluid, rambunctious and unpredictable. Nobody has any idea what the hell is going to happen in this year’s series, so why don’t you give me your money and take a guess from the options below?
Wallets out, my valued friends; here’s The Roar‘s exclusive market for the 2015 NRL finals series.
Top seed is bundled out in straight sets – $3
Payable when a top four fancy turns cockamamie and rapidly closes their promising campaign with two boilover losses.
This option comes with the generous Roar Bonus offer! Add 10 per cent to your winning price if the dud team’s captain/coach/CEO blames the formulaic vaguaries and scheduling of a clear-cut finals format for not sufficiently rewarding the teams who finish at the top.
Lowly team claiming it’s ‘not here to make up the numbers’ ends up being here to make up the numbers – $2
Settled in the event of a coach/player/official publicly experiencing delusions about their chances despite having none whatsoever.
NOTE: Some bookies have already paid out on this option due to a technicality surrounding the availability of ‘Dragons: 2015 Finals Charge’ t-shirts online. This price is also subject to change pending the first media conference of the week at Redfern.
The Storm are not written off because they are September specialists – $1.10
Melbourne must remain official competition smokies until reaching their bitter demise. Also available is an overs/unders market on how many times those refusing to write them off will describe them as ‘clinical and professional’.
Queensland mouthpiece pushes for grand final to be moved to Suncorp Stadium – $1.75
Deranged northern icon/analyst/politician/shock jock who hasn’t been breath-tested must advocate for the tournament’s showcase game to be moved to a furnace filled with loonies. Apathetic Sydney crowds make this a historically popular option, and in a year with two Queensland sides in the top four, it’s basically free bloody money.
A broadcaster will show a powerful montage of emotions replete with an inspirational backing track – $1.03
Must include a schmaltzy blend of faces screaming in slow motion, flashes of celebratory images and excerpts of climactic commentary. Comes with The Roar‘s patented Money Back Special: even if it happens, you won’t get your money back.
Contentious suspension leads to calls for complete overhaul of match review process – $1.50
Confirmed when a reasonable standard of tabloid pandemonium is reached after a high profile player misses a crunch match due to receiving a charge for a Grade One caress. Conditional upon the first sweeping statement from a newspaper parakeet about how the entire system is stuffed, despite the player charged holding enough carryover points to make Adrian Morley blush.
Why not try our special player/charge multi in this market too?
Michael Ennis / Contrary facial – $6
Justin Hodges / Foul Tourette’s – $5
Cameron Smith / Careless half-nelson – $4
Dylan Napa / Unintentional decapitation – $3
Josh Reynolds / Crime of passion – $1.25
Reborn journeyman tells story of how he ‘nearly quit the game’ – $2.50
Payable when one-time lothario/doper/inmate turns his life around for a playoff team and tells the world how close he was to quitting football altogether, despite having no employable trade skills other than a legs tackle and a tidy inside-ball.
Reasonably valued first-grader races the clock to be fit for big match – $3.25
Confirmed when a player makes hopeless attempts to beat a long-duration injury in the hope he can make himself available for selection at 30 per cent fitness. The player must make it public knowledge that he has set his alarm at two hour intervals overnight to apply ice to the affected area, despite the affected area being so vulgarised that the doctor is seriously considering amputation.
Why not try our special exotic options in this market?
Ben Hannant treats hernia in a hyperbaric chamber – $66
Greg Inglis treats meniscus with radical unlicensed surgery in Serbia – $85
Any Cronulla Shark treats anything with Darren ‘The Gazelle’ Hibbert – market suspended
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