According to The Roar‘s dubious insider info, excessive cosmetic adjustments made to Australian Cricket Conditions have now rendered it so unrecognisable that concerned friends and family have begun planning an intervention.
Once a unique menagerie of iconic pitches against a backdrop of inhospitable crowds, Australian Conditions have sadly mutated in recent times to become a globalised, homogenised and sterilised version of its once sexy self.
While concern among the wider public has bubbled quietly for some time as they’ve witnessed its characteristics erode, it is understood that close colleagues this week reached breaking point after the WACA’s stoner pitch and docile crowds left the venue “as unidentifiable as Warney’s ‘after’ shot”.
This followed on from the disturbing signs last week in Brisbane where it became apparent that if the once-distinguishable Gabba was placed in a police line-up alongside stadiums from Dubai and Bangalore, the criminal would probably walk free.
Friends fear the famous temptress from Brisbane known best for seducing bowlers in the summer rain with more perk and sass than the promiscuous blonde from Sex and the City may have permanently displaced its idiosyncratic appeal.
In fact, some even went as far as saying that the venue and its pitch had grown tired, unable to shake its hips sideways and now only enjoyed popularity among the diehards, much like the promiscuous blonde from Sex and the City.
Some family are also gravely disturbed by the upturn in the number of botched surface area jobs across Australian Conditions that are chiefly emerging from Sydney after years of shoddy implants and repeated facelifts, while others are simply worried about the alarming state of the country’s breathtakingly hideous balls.
These tragic circumstances have compelled friends and family to rally behind Australian Conditions to help fight its identity crisis, concerned that without intervention it will eventually lose its personality altogether, thus becoming some kind of weird demented uncle that we’re all obligated to see every summer who was once familiar but now just looks like Michael Jackson.
Associates close to Australian Conditions believe the root cause of its issues are crippling, deep-seated self-image issues, or James Sutherland’s desire to gouge ticket prices and pump matches deep in to the fifth day because he is on commission.
Speaking in regards to the WACA, one unnamed colleague was particularly stunned by its appearance and described it as “the Donna Versace of cricketing conditions”.
“It was totally unrecognisable. Not only was the pace sluggish, nobody disrobed to invade the playing arena,” they said.
“If the place had’ve walked past me in the street, I wouldn’t have noticed it, which is a pretty significant thing to say considering its a stadium walking down an everyday street. It’s a pretty hard thing to miss.
“Only once the breeze of the Fremantle Doctor caressed my neck as I watched somebody hotwire the sightscreen, then I realised I was in Perth.”
Another Brisbane-based friend concerned about Australian Conditions suggested sending away to Thailand for a “crowd augmentation procedure”, and when told that Cricket Australia trumpeted the Gabba crowd numbers as a trans-Tasman record, he responded by claiming, “half of those were there just to line up for Big Bash tickets”.
However, all is not lost for Australian Conditions. Friends and family are hopeful that with swift mediation, they can nullify its addiction to image alteration and eventually return to the good old days when Australia was well attended, distinctive and best of all, a sh*t of a place for touring sides to come.
“Australian Conditions are in a bad place right now,” another unidentified friend said. “But we are hopeful of putting plans in place to ensure that pitches resembling a Greek backyard will be a thing of the past in these parts.
“Not to mention, it’s been too long since an opposition fieldsman was hit with a barbecue chook while standing at fine leg. This is Australia, for God’s sake, touring teams should be warned about us on Lonely Planet.
“We won’t stop until this place returns to being the environment we know and cherish – where a week’s pay can be spent on warm mid-strength and not an entry fee, and where fast bowlers don’t have to fracture an L5 to get the ball whistling past the hips.”
While a premature retirement isn’t the solution, he or England want, he may be forced into it if he can’t maintain a long run of matches.
Check out some of the short-arm pull shots from Rocky Flintoff!
Harshal Patel was not a happy man!
David Lord has been remembered as an icon of Australian sports journalism following his death, aged 84. The renowned writer and broadcaster was an…
Sign the man up for a contract next season!
A brutal century by Travis Head has blasted Sunrisers Hyderabad back into the Indian Premier League play-off places in another match for bowlers to…
