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Seven ways to ensure a great day-night Test

Steve Smith's side need to up their game in the field. (AAP Image/Paul Miller)
Expert
26th November, 2015
7

We are in a brave new world. So long restricted to a choice between the raspberry of the red ball or the vanilla of the white, cricket from now on will offer a third delicious flavour: the Monte Carlo of the pink ball.

But will it be too sweet for the players to handle? They’re used to playing Tests, and they’re used to playing under lights, but both at once might prove too many concepts for their brains to handle at once.

And that’s without even getting into the issue of the colour pink and what kind of effect it will have upon the players’ perception.

We hope, obviously, that caps both black and baggy green will take to day-night Tests like a duck to an oven, and this experiment will be a roaring success. As long as they keep the following in mind, I’m confident it will be.

1. Sleep late
As the Test stretches deep into the night, it’s only natural that the average Test cricketer, up past his bedtime, will begin to feel drowsy. All players need to make sure they get 12-14 hours of sleep so that they are ready to pull an all-nighter out on the field.

2. Be secure in your masculinity
Just because you’ve got a pink ball in your hand, it doesn’t make you any less of a man. Remember that it wasn’t so long ago that pink was the traditional colour for boys, and blue for girls, so try to keep in mind that these things are a matter of fashion much more than inviolate gender assignations, and a man can bowl, hit, catch and throw a pink ball in just as macho a fashion as he can a red one.

Some might have suggested to you that the new balls look more like Barbie accessories than sporting equipment: don’t think about that when you take the field, or your performance is bound to suffer.

3. Fill up at the tea break
Never play cricket on an empty stomach, as my live-in chef used to say. If you don’t have a hearty dinner in the break, you might feel yourself getting hungry before stumps, and if you’re hungry you might get cranky and snap at your teammates, and the whole atmosphere will just be unpleasant.

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4. Don’t let on that the ball has ceased to be visible
We all know that pink balls can’t last the distance, due to their manufacture involving low-paid Third World workers colouring them in by hand with textas. At some point, the colour will have worn entirely off it, and you won’t be able to see it at all.

It’s important that you don’t ruin the occasion for the crowd and TV audience by making this obvious. Keep going through the motions as if the ball is still entirely visible and you’re having a great time – everyone will just think you’re horribly out of form, and the marvellous charade that is professional sport will go on.

5. Don’t shine the ball on your trousers
This is the accepted way to shine a red ball, but trying to shine a pink ball this way will just hasten the process of de-colouring as mentioned above. If fielders go about trying to polish up the new balls, it’s possible they will become entirely grey by the 15th over, and 65 overs of trying to look convincing while wafting at a spot where the ball might theoretically be could be a stretch, not to mention physical dangerous. Also your pants will start to look weird.

6. Let your eyes adjust to the light
Visibility will always be a challenge when light levels are changing throughout the day. It’s important that as the afternoon wears on, the sun goes down, and the lights come on, that every time it gets a little lighter or darker, everyone sits down for 10 minutes or so and blinks rapidly until they’re confident they can see.

7. Remember the rules
Contrary to rumour, the third Test match is actually going to be a game of cricket, played under the Laws of Cricket as have often been used previously. If the players can remember this pertinent fact, and not start trying to hit each other with their bats, or shooting the ball out of the air with shotguns, they’ll increase their chances of success immensely.

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