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ROAR FAUX-SCOOP: Coach slams 2016 NRL draw

John Grant will now head up the RLIF. (AAP Image/Paul Miller)
Expert
29th November, 2015
7

A leading rugby league coach has launched a tirade towards the NRL following the release of the 2016 draw, furiously questioning why his side has been unfairly scheduled to “play other teams.”

Preferring to remain unnamed to avoid the risk of coming across as a complete nutter, he also labelled the draw as “dangerously calendar based” and an “unnecessary exercise” that puts his players “at grave risk of football-related activities.”

The coach also explosively alleged that the governing body remains nonplussed about player burnout, pointing to the fact that all of his team’s matches remain scheduled to run unreasonably for 80 minutes, with the majority of these against teams “who may try to beat us.”

The club specified faces a horror draw in comparison to other franchises, with their “criminally sequential” schedule set down for an inconceivable 24 matches across six months, with players facing the weekly prospect of extreme exhaustion arising from whinging about turnaround times.

In addition, they are livid at potentially having to play a total of 12 torrid games away from home, with this being the ninth season in succession this result has occurred.

This caused the downcast coach to concede his side will “probably have to catch a plane at some point.”

The club is also lamenting their obligations for the Origin period, with concerns said to be chiefly relating to the fact they have football obligations during the Origin period.

Club bosses are also up in arms about their tragic television schedule, with word they will be seeking answers from the NRL after missing out altogether on the lucrative Friday 9:30pm slot in favour of the administration’s more favoured entities like the Lethal Weapon franchise and Wife Swap re-runs.

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The coach was also disgruntled about the consultative process conducted by the NRL prior to the release of the draw, conceding that while the league did engage them in negotiations prior to the announcement, once again their preferences were overlooked.

“To be frank, I can’t believe we’ve been scheduled to play other teams.

“However, quite unfathomably, that’s not the main issue.

“I’m more concerned with our preferences once again being rejected. This is the fifth year running we’ve missed out on being scheduled 24 home games, and the third year running we won’t be playing all of our games against an 11 man opposition.

“It’s a joke. No wonder we’re all insolvent.”

With concern inside the club growing, they have commissioned an investigation to be conducted by a leading doctor who specialises specifically in footy draws.

From here, they plan to have their issues tabled in a player welfare report that finely articulates how everyone’s spewin’ about it.

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Insiders say the appointed doctor was aghast upon initially reviewing the draw, describing it as a “hazardous plan of pre-arranged events” that will force clubs to riskily comply to “a series of scheduled times and dates at specified locations.”

“And these pre-arranged events they’re talking about, while yet to be confirmed, may be games of rugby league.

“The players are being subject to systematic slavery, pure and simple.

“Except for the part about them being well-paid, of course.”

When approached for comment, the NRL was bullish about their draw, describing it in corporate terms as “a bloody ripper.”

“The days of the NRL bowing to self-entitled clubs are gone.

“No longer are we some chivalrous enterprise who treats them like we’re on a date together, pulling out chairs and opening doors for them, giving them everything they ask for.

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“Unless we’re talking about Souths or Brisbane, of course. Then we whip out the black Amex.”

Despite the a-hole style response from the NRL, the concerned coach promised to continue campaigning for a fair go for all clubs regarding scheduling, with the cornerstone of his lobbying to be based on alarmist hyperbole and a victim complex.

Oh yeah, and player welfare too.

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