The Roar
The Roar

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Can New Zealand's violent batting destroy the world?

14th January, 2016
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New Zealand’s Martin Guptill (Ross Setford/SNPA via AP)
Expert
14th January, 2016
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When Brett Lee isn’t calling the cricket, he spends his ad breaks flogging off health insurance in a role as a mentor who instructs a gawky protege batsman to cast off his obvious shortcomings and “just smack it”. It’s real Churchillian stuff.

Oddly though, despite the retired quick’s sponsored mantra appearing exclusively in an Australian commercial for an Australian product available only in Australia, somehow his profound advice has even reached the Kiwis.

Minus a few peaceful recesses, Sri Lanka’s recently completed tour of the Long White Cloud involved so much smacking by the Black Caps batsmen that it was only a few pairs of Lederhosen and a yodel away from qualifying as a traditional Bavarian folk dance.

If you missed it – and you’re a sadist – then read on.

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Last Sunday at Eden Park was a bloodbath. In what was supposed to be a 20-over fixture, the hosts romped home with nitrous oxide, their men falling over themselves breaking records as their collective engine accelerated from zero to 147 in ten measly overs.

This followed on from other feats of freakishness across two one-day internationals at Hagley Oval – 191 chased down in 21 overs, and 118 for no loss using an incomprehensible 8.2 overs.

Considering the Sri Lankans had only gone to bed three hours prior, it was hardly hospitable behaviour. In fact, it was utterly ruthless and borderline inhumane.

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Sure, some have claimed the Kiwi chases were achieved against a pop-gun attack inside a loungeroom, but they were some of the best chases against a pop-gun attack inside a loungeroom you’re ever likely to see.

I can only assume Mike Hesson and his troops are hell-bent on transitioning to life after Brendon McCullum in a manner that pays homage to the impatient dynamo’s shtick – by completing the task at warp freakin’ speed.

At the heartbeat of the Black Caps’ hoopla is Martin Guptill. Scientifically speaking, he is currently batting with a door. Heaven help the world if he ever cracks cricket’s intra-format code and realises the ball’s the same shape when it’s red.

His rapid summer has included New Zealand’s fastest ODI fifty, plus 20 minutes with the nation’s quickest T20 fifty until Colin Munro got greedy and had to rudely make a name for himself.

So now you know. New Zealand’s short-form batting is currently fair dinkum frightening. Not only that, it’s also bloody impatient and quite Patrick Batemen-esque for the way it presents savagery in a stylish package.

Naturally, a hyperbolic review such as this always provokes the usual questions: do New Zealand networks show MASH when a game finishes early? And are the Black Caps able to carry this ferocity into the next major international tournament and feature large?

I am intrigued to see if they can administer the same barbarism upon Pakistan and then Australia beforehand. Then it’s off to the World T20 to try and cash their credits on the unforgiving subcontinent, but that joint never makes life easy.

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Nevertheless, with Guptill and their batting horsepower complemented by a pace battery of Matt Henry, Adam Milne and Mitchell McClenaghan, they are way more than smoky value.

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