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A tragic lack of planning in cricket

Look at that face. Is this whole fiasco really his fault? (AAP Image/Carol Cho)
Expert
11th February, 2016
10

Modern-day cricket is a hustling, bustling business, barely stopping for a moment to let us catch breath before moving on to the next game, the next tournament, the next disciplinary hearing.

It’s not like the old days, when a touring party would take 15 months to get to their destination and then play every provincial side in the country twice before the first Test, which would be drawn after five days of two-per-over run rates.

So everyone understands that it’s not all that easy for players to prepare properly for every game.

But when a major event comes along, an event that could become a definitive moment in the development of a national side, there is definitely a case to be made for administrators to organise the schedule so as to maximise players’ opportunity to acclimatise, work out any kinks in their technique, and just generally hone themselves to a razor edge before going into battle.

But as Don Bradman used to say, administrators are fat-faced douchebags, and so we have the absurd situation of the Australian team, with the World Twenty20 tournament barely a month away, fiddle-faddling away in New Zealand with a meaningless ‘Test’ series.

It may be the most unprofessional course of action in Cricket Australia’s history, and that’s saying something when you remember Tim Nielsen’s coaching career.

Consider the facts:

• By the start of the World T20, Australia will have only played six T20 games this year, leaving those who didn’t play in the Big Bash League woefully short of match practice in the 20-over format. Even BBL veterans could probably do with a bit of sharpening against opposition that doesn’t include jaded elderly mercenaries or Shaun Tait.

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• The World T20 will be played in India, which is not only a different country to New Zealand, but isn’t even in the same hemisphere. The conditions in India – which will include high humidity, slow spinning pitches and huge, rambunctious crowds – are likely to be very different to those in NZ, which will include green seamers, heavy cloud cover and boundaries several metres from the pitch.

• When this Test series is over, the cricket-loving public will forget the result within weeks, whereas the outcome of the World T20 will be remembered at least until November.

It just seems so ridiculous that with the honour of Australian cricket on the line, our finest players will be wasting their time in frankly boring white outfits, meandering along under long white clouds, when they could be in India, playing vital practice matches against a variety of high-quality oppositions.

And it’s not as if they don’t need the practice – remember the home T20 series against India, described by local media as the most painful embarrassment of our country’s history?

The Indian team, which is savvy enough not to let frivolous Test match fripperies get in the way of serious cricketing business, lathered the wide brown snot out of our proud yet inept warriors, and that was on our own turf.

Imagine what they’ll do on the kind of surfaces that can make even the strongest of men fail to do his homework. And that’s before we even consider teams like the West Indies, England and South Africa, all of whom have their priorities much straighter than we do.

But okay, Australia, fine. Go ahead and have your little ‘Test series’. Let your reflexes ossify into brittle, arthritic parodies of cricketing skill. Spend this crucial prepatory period elegantly raising your bats above your head, letting dangerous outswingers pass harmlessly into the keeper’s gloves instead of reverse-ramping them over third man for six.

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Concentrate your bowling efforts on consistent line and length aimed at the top of off-stump rather than a devilish mixture of slower balls, bouncers, cross-seamers and wide yorkers like a proper bowler.

Stand in the slips all today waiting for a nick instead of practising your tossing-the-ball-in-the-air-before-falling-over-the-rope-and-then-jumping-back-in-and-catching-it skills. Keep your bats straight like a bunch of losers. You just do that, and watch the rest of the world pass you by.

It’s no wonder the rest of the world thinks we’re a joke. It’s no wonder all the other countries get together in secret meetings to snigger at Australia’s naivety. Our history is littered with instances of obsessing over Tests and failing to win major Twenty20 tournaments.

The 1948 tour of England is just one example. The entire career of Bob Cowper is another. When it comes to refusing to learn from the mistakes of the past, Australia is number one. Which is lucky, because we’re sure as hell not going to be number one in anything else.

Time to pack it all up, Australian cricket fans. The time is fast approaching when our national team will be good at no game lasting less than seven hours, and what will even be the point anymore?

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