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The Roar

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Brendon McCullum disappoints me, but not for the usual reasons

11th February, 2016
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Brendon McCullum will be playing in the Pakistan Super League, which is in its second season. (AFP PHOTO / Michael Bradley)
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11th February, 2016
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I’m sorry, but when it comes to attaining a satisfactory level of Trans-Tasman tension, we’re going to need more than the lame brouhaha of Mitch Marsh’s drop-punt dismissal if we’re to generate requisite friskiness.

Let’s get real, guys! This is Australia and New Zealand clinking sabers in cricket, not backgammon or a Bledisloe Cup! It’s the most agitative brotherhood known to the game, and the standards are heady.

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Unless some fruity palooka lawn-bowls a six-stitcher or attempts to headbutt Scott Styris while he’s wearing a helmet, it’s either a lousy fake or Australia’s selected their first 11 strictly from the Bondi precinct.

That’s why despite Hamilton turning warp-sour and the furore that’s followed, I want to make a contribution to ensuring no peace breaks out at the Basin Reserve, and I want to do it the Aussie way – by aiming slightly south of the hips and doing so with horrendous timing.

Now, can someone please hold my beer while I recline on my inflatable couch and proceed to question one of New Zealand’s globally adored ornaments as he faces his cricketing mortality?

Brendon McCullum – New Zealand captain, batting Berocca and iconic diplomat – is a man who’s imparted the kind of distinguished class on the arena that could be bottled into a men’s cologne.

One geeze at the Kiwi skipper’s record and you’ll see it’s one for ages – New Zealand’s highest Test score, 100 consecutive Tests, a clean home series record under his hard-boiled leadership, and the most rope cleared in the game thanks to treating international-standard bowlers like village junk.

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He is two weeks away from bringing down the curtain on his tenure as the godfather of New Zealand’s revolution, a stint of statesmanship that some are rating as two world titles and a John Key bromance short of being cricket’s Richie McCaw.

However, despite all of his wonderful achievements and earth-wide approval ratings, McCullum has still managed to disappoint me. Tsk, tsk.

No, it’s not because he’s a Kiwi, and it’s not because of all that hoopla about him critiquing Steve Smith’s table manners despite running out Murali on a handshake and forgetting to call Crimestoppers on Chris Cairns.

It’s because that despite McCullum’s sparkling profile, game-breaking repute and piles of megawatt performances in short-form tournaments, I feel he hasn’t produced his best work enough when playing in the big ones against Australia.

There, I said it. I’ve practically puked on a patron saint, and now I’m going to hell. I’m also going to need a shower.

I guess what I’m trying to say, is that from an awkwardly weird, whole-of-game, non-patriotic point of view, I wished McCullum had flexed his muscles on the grand stages and torn Australia apart more often. The dynamo deserves a big gong against the old enemy.

Does anyone else have his reckless swooshing in last year’s World Cup final on repeat in their brains as a moment we were denied something special? Could he have dug in and really hurt Australia and cemented his legacy instead of trying to land one in Ballarat after only two samples?

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Does anyone feel underwhelmed by his Test average of 26.16 against Australia? And does it feel odd that he only has a solitary century in this format against big brother, that being a gutsy 104 in a futile rearguard when his team was lapped by 10 wickets?

Sure, this could be considered blinkered – last I checked, there’s been other countries that he’s thrashed. Plus it doesn’t help that Australia and New Zealand meet with the regularity of Haley’s Comet. But what can I say?

I’m as selfish as Steve Waugh and I just want more for the game’s champions.

You can’t deny it. McCullum’s resume deserves at least one notable scalp against Australia. Something without a sponsor’s logo that will be forgotten by the next ad break. Something significant.

Perhaps he is he saving his best Trans-Tasman masterpiece for last?

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