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The Roar

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How to fix the Olympics

Aussie golfer Adam Scott. (Photo: AP)
Expert
28th April, 2016
13

If there’s one phrase guaranteed to get any sports fan excited, it’s “Ian Baker-Finch thinks”. When the grand old man of Australian golfing failure speaks, the world listens.

So it’s no surprise that this week the world’s ears are at maximum prickage, after the 1994 Masters 10th-place-getter pleaded that the Olympic golf format be changed to a team event, to prevent the sport’s big names from pulling out as well-known patriotism-hater Adam Scott recently did.

Baker-Finch’s logic is impeccable: if golf stars knew that by withdrawing, they were letting down their teammates, instead of just their country, they would play in the Olympics, and golf would be the prince of sports and so forth.

It’s a provocative idea worthy of discussion, and I thank Baker-Finch for putting it into play, unlike his first tee shot at St Andrews in 1995. But as impressive as Baker-Finch’s plan is, I think I’ve come up with an ever better way to prevent high-profile golfers from giving the Olympics a miss.

OLYMPICS EVENTS SCHEDULE

How about… not having golf in the Olympics?

I know, right? It’s so simple it’s brilliant! By not having golf in the Olympics, we make it not just difficult, but impossible for golfers to skip the Olympics.

Plus there’s the added benefit that we don’t have to see something as stupid as Olympic golf happen! Win-win-win, baby!

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Sure, Gary Player says Adam Scott should play in the Olympics, but that’s easy for Gary Player to say, because he is an idiot. Adam Scott should not play in the Olympics, because for all those hard-working athletes who dedicate their lives to obsessively training for a once-every-four-years shot at the absolute pinnacle of their sport, to see a bunch of multi-millionaires breeze into the Games as a bit of fun in between playing the tournaments that they actually care about is something of an insult.

So. Next time, let’s kick golf out of the Olympics and watch in wonder as the entire world is a slightly better place as a result, and Adam Scott doesn’t have to make any more painful and easy decisions. Problem solved.

In fact, while we’re here, let’s sort some other stuff out to make the Olympics better.

Firstly, the number of sports that shouldn’t be there doesn’t stop with golf. There needs to be a certain cleaning out of the clutter at the Olympiad. Tennis should be the first head on the block – how dumb is it when you hear about a “gold medal-winning tennis player”? They have four elite tournaments every year and every tennis player on earth would rather make the round of 16 in any one of them than win an Olympic final. There are Volvo commercials that mean more to most tennis players than the Olympics. Get it out.

Also, let’s kick out (zing!) football. Not only does football have a World Cup that’s bigger than the Olympics anyway, but Olympic football is played by junior development squads. What the hell kind of showcase is that? Football doesn’t take the Olympics seriously: the Olympics should return the favour and boot it.

We could probably also get rid of basketball – as I said, the Olympics should be the absolute pinnacle of the sport, and although I’m sure Olympic basketballers love representing their country, the Games can’t really compete with NBA draft day.

But it’s not just removing sports that we have to do to improve the Olympics. The second part of the operation is adding sports that should be there. Like, for example, tug of war.

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Tug of war was in the Games from 1900-1920, and god only knows why it was ever taken out. What sport better epitomises the quest for physical perfection that the Olympics exists to exalt? A classic contest of strength and technique that pushes its participants to the very edge of their tolerance for rope burn, tug of war is a far purer athletic pursuit than many sports currently included, and a better spectacle too – what would you rather watch, a tug of war or rhythmic gymnastics? Uh huh.

Also, let’s bring back Basque pelota, which was in the Games in 1900 and is one of the sporting world’s most exhilarating and skilful sports, not to mention the very real possibility of fatalities, something the Olympics have really lacked the last few times.

And, obviously, rock paper scissors, arm-wrestling and American Ninja Warrior.

OK, so we’ve kicked the bad sports out, we’ve put the good sports in. But what we also need to make the Olympics all they could be is making the other sports better. There are many great sports in the Olympiad, but there’s always room for improvement. Just for starters:

Archery needs to be conducted on horseback.

Conversely, equestrian events should take place on foot.

Hockey needs to abolish all rules against violence.

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Hurdles should be at least twice as high.

Javelin and synchronised swimming must be merged into a single sport.

Swimming pools should be filled with those fish that eat dead skin off your feet.

Shooters should be blindfolded and spun around three times before aiming.

Snipers along marathon route.

Diving events to be held on actual waterfalls.

Maybe after we do this, we can finally have an Olympic Games worth watching, right?

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