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The Bunker is stuffed, and here's how to scrap it

5th June, 2016
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The Bunker might have made the correct call in the State of Origin, but it sucks and it has to be destroyed.
Expert
5th June, 2016
40
1719 Reads

After another contentious golden point balls-up in Perth last night, it’s become apparent The Bunker is an expensive and worthless waste. The NRL is left with no choice but to abandon the system and scam it off to a sucker at an over-inflated price.

Yep, I urge the game’s bosses to not hesitate and do what I say. The Bunker has got to go, and it’s got to go now, preferably at a face-saving price.

Usually Cash Converters would be the perfect chump for fleecing-off such a dud piece, but these days they’re only in to designer labels and high-end products like pre-loved Discmans or pre-thieved Gameboys.

Unfortunately, they’ve learnt to identify a lemon when they see it, so the NRL’s salesmen wouldn’t even make it past the preliminary ‘are you a drug dealer’ stage of their purchasing process.

To get rid of a ground-breaking shonk like The Bunker, the NRL needs the Defcon One of ‘creative marketing campaigns.’

By that, I mean they need ‘blatant fibs,’ a concept also known as an ‘informercial’.

Yep, the reliable infomercial industry has been flogging off dodgy products for years.

Their funded testimonies and bleached teeth have regularly entranced idiots in to parting with the balances of their pre-approved Creditline accounts since Jesus drank from a Nutri-Bullet.

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Sure, some may view their strategies as slightly ‘consumer law breachy’, but so what?

These are desperate times for the NRL. They need to offload this monstrosity to a foolhardy consumer before the game’s grand match-fixing reputation sustains serious irreversible damage.

Sure, I know what you’re thinking.

Exposing The Bunker to the shady infomercial fan-base could be a risky ploy that sees it converted it in to a porn den, but at least its better than finishing up as spare parts, or worse still, continuing to be used as an inadequate review system for professional sports.

I imagine their shonky script would go something like this:

Are you tired of making your own mind up? Sick of the peskiness of forming your own decisions?

Are you through with the drudgery that comes with reaching the correct outcome? And most importantly, are you weighed down by credibility, dependability and a spare $2 million that can be transferred immediately?

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Then you need The Bunker- the ultimate Central Command Centre for all your day-to-day arbitrations!

As we all know, modern life is a wonderful blur of energy and initiative. Imagine if these could both be retarded and paralysed?

It’s no secret we’ve all found ourselves yearning for something that can unnecessarily over-analyse the contentious moments in our day-to-day lives and totally mess it up.

We simply want to delegate everything to a room in another suburb, and we want it done with the pace of a distracted meth addict and half the reliability.

The Bunker can do this, and so much less!

Created using rare televisual technology exclusive to most regular households on planet earth, The Bunker is the world’s first premium economy deliberation device that fits snugly in to your spare acreage.

Until now, owning an expensive state-of-the-art network of cool screens like The Bunker has been the stuff of imagination for everyone except illegal importers and professional voyuers.

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But for a small fortune, now you can be cool and wrong, just like these guys!

Combining Apollo 13-style ingenuity with doona fart-popularity, The Bunker comes delivered on the back of a tiny semi-trailer in an easy-to-assemble 8526 piece set of complex cabling, control desks, screens, joysticks and a heap of nobs.

(But you can call them ‘Tony and the boys’).

Assembly is easy. Following our simple instructions, all you’ll need is a jackhammer and a Yale graduate. Next thing you know, it will be next Tuesday and you’ll still be following our simple instructions!

Watch how all of your simple day-to-day decisions are intruded upon by a multitude of over-zoomed split-screens that replay repeatedly until you scratch your head and develop a bizarre craving for Wicked Wings.

Not only is The Bunker energy-inefficient and microwave safe, it also possesses absurd perceptive qualities that will have you impressing your friends in no time with your other-worldly interpretation of ‘doubt’.

Now that’s ‘reportable’!

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We guarantee, after one tedious week with The Bunker, you’ll have totally forgotten it’s non-existent imitations.

And as for the counter-factual data-driven analysis of the doubters? They’ll be washed away in the family’s amazement at the machine’s life-altering efficiency!

But how much would you expect to pay for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?

We’re not going to tell you because the numbers on the keyboard don’t go that high. However, call now and we’ll waive your cooling-off period at no cost!

And if you’re one of the first 50 callers through, we’ll also throw in shipping and Luke Patten.

C’mon you rich idiot. Buy The Bunker! Seriously, you need the cords.

And for those in doubt? We already have a decision and we’re going to the board.

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Don’t hesitate. Buy now.

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