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How Jarryd Hayne and Newcastle can save each other from hell

18th July, 2016
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Jarryd Hayne seriously piqued Australia's interest in American football. (AP Photo/Jeff Chiu)
Expert
18th July, 2016
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I don’t know how Jarryd Hayne thinks, and frankly, neither does he. This probably explains why he defers to childhood fantasy when it comes to major life decisions.

But today, I am here to implore the man to ignore the multiple destinations in his Sat-Nav of dreams, and to scorn the well-rounded advice from those close to him like family, Wayne Beavis and Jesus.

For his next journey, I want to see Hayne rebuff the Eels and take his talents to the Newcastle Knights.

Never mind that he doesn’t want to be there, and that the Knights have expressed no interest in his services whatsoever. For the good of them both, someone needs to conjure a dowry and force these two in to an arranged marriage immediately.

In basic terms, the fusion of Hayne and The Hunter is a no-brainer if both are serious about steering clear of guaranteed hell. One would acquire prize livestock to assist with arresting a slovenly slump, while the other would avoid Parramatta.

Let’s be honest. Besides the extravagant salary, what does Hayne need with his former club? And besides the rare thrill of having something constructive occur on their own watch, what does Parramatta need with him? It is prime for sorrow.

It’s a fact the Eels have moved on from their former fullback. They have matured in to an egalitarian unit under the guidance of Brad Arthur, and they’ve got no need to revert back to operating as 12 sluggers with a flashy sorcerer out the back. It’s just so 2014.

Plus, the lightning bolt of marketing power Hayne would provide could be suicidal. Look at the joint! The last thing it needs is more attention.

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But despite these reasons being staggeringly compelling, they are not the kicker.

Most importantly, Hayne taking his services elsewhere will personally have positive long-term ramifications. And by long-term, I mean for eternity.

The flying fullback loves the big guy in the sky, and if he is serious about going to heaven when his time is up, forming communion with a house of sin like Parramatta should be avoided at all costs.

Considering the Old Testament is about to be revised to include Parramatta in an additional chapter titled ‘Satan’s Basement’, such unholy fraternisation could greatly jeopardise his chances of having his name on the door at the Pearlies.

With every statutory authority from the Feds to the Mafia riding the club’s grimy tails, it’s only a matter of time until the Vatican also joins the chase. For this reason, Hayne shopping his saviour behaviour elsewhere is just smart biblical darts.

Which leads me on to Newcastle. Is there anyone out there more leprosy-ridden in need of a Good Samaritan than the Knights?

I don’t even need to urge the masses for a Sister Act-like ‘amen’ for the answer to that question. They may have shown a pulse in recent weeks, but the poor buggers remain sinful.

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Now I’m not sure of the Knights’ situation with the salary cap. I’m unaware whether they’ve filled their cap, or if they pay a salary.

But whatever their catastrophic financial position may be, they should unshackle the cheque book for the former 49er to bolster their youthful stocks with burly flair. It would provide craved experience and bring back the crowds that never left.

Hayne in the Blue and Red – it simply works for everyone. The Knights offset their defectiveness with some aptitude, while Hayne avoids purgatory. Plus he adds an unlikely aspect to his entrepreneur legacy.

Sure, it’s hardy chasing the Yankee dollar, and Newcastle is no renowned Bay Area. But by selflessly helping an old lady across the road, Hayne could add a charitable angle to his mercenary brand. It’s unselfish and it could net him millions.

In addition, it’s a soft brand strategy that could greatly assist in turning public opinion after he called us all peasants earlier this year.

This marriage simply has to happen. For God’s sake, why isn’t there some kind of war chest of funds to cater for such scenarios? What about a talent draft, or a commissioner’s edict, or even just an abduction van? The game is so backwards sometimes.

To be fair, with Parramatta’s bendable finances, a gamut of rich rugby offers and stacks of other zany professional sports he could dip his toe in to, there’s a reasonable chance Hayne will ignore my advice and not end up within cooee of the magnificent Hunter region. As unthinkable as that may be.

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But if they manage to register his contract the same way as Israel Folau’s, and European rugby ceases trading as a mint, and Super League loses interest in Australian footballers, and the AFL shuts down, and he doesn’t secure a PGA Tour card, then the choice is clear.

Hayne could head to a club with an average administration and a pillaged list, or he could head to Parramatta.

Divinely simple.

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