Olympic sport is, we can agree, pretty great. But it’s not as great as it could be: there is room for improvement, and all it takes is a bit of imagination and hard work.
Here I present my submission on how to make every Olympic sport much better than it currently is.
Archery: bring the sport closer to its historical antecedents by requiring competitors to bring down charging buffalo.
Artistic gymnastics: for the love of God, take away the ‘dance’ elements in the women’s routines.
Seriously. Why must we demean these magnificent athletes by requiring them to stop in the middle of their breathtaking feats of acrobatic supremacy to flap their arms around like they’re trying to represent ‘world peace’ at the Rock Eisteddfod?
I know the name says ‘artistic’, but aren’t the spectacular moves artistic enough without adding in all the idiotic sub-Praise You limb spasms?
You are ruining it for everyone!
Athletics
Of course, must be broken down into its constituent parts.
Sprinting: ban shoes. Sprinkle broken glass. Enjoy.
Long-distance running: eliminate pre-determined finish points. Just have the field keep running until there’s only one runner left.
Walking: similarly, the 20-kilometre and 50-kilometre walks are too short. Ideally, the walking should start at the opening ceremony, and keep going until the closing ceremony. We should have no idea where any of the walkers are in the interim.
Hurdles: change the rules so that every second hurdle must be run under.
Javelin: see: archery.
Hammer throw: use actual hammers.
Shotput: pack the shot with explosives.
Discus: it’s halfway to being frisbee golf already: let’s push it all the way.
Long jump: stop being so soft – remove the sand.
High jump: allow the use of stilts.
Pole vault: replace the bar with a solid brick wall.
Heptathlon and decathlon: eliminate any breaks between events. Finish the whole thing in an hour or so.
Badminton: make the sport full-contact.
Basketball: allow the use of ladders and trampolines.
Beach volleyball: stop the competitors covering up so much in those Puritanical outfits: let them show off their bodies a bit.
Boxing: take off the gloves. Take off the headgear. Take away the referee. Take away the ring. Give the fighters knives. Stage every fight in a deserted carpark.
Canoes: make each competitor chop down a tree and carve their own canoe out of it at the start of every race.
BMX: ban helmets. Or just ban the BMX. Is this even really a thing?
Mountain biking: add avalanches.
Road cycling: allow normal city traffic to share the route with the racers.
Track cycling: make the sides of the velodrome steeper, so the cyclists are basically horizontal as they race. Fill the bottom of the velodrome with balloons.
Diving: make it mandatory for all the divers to come round to my house to hang out, watch a movie, have some snacks, no pressure.
Equestrian – dressage: take away the riders. If the horse can’t do the routine without a rider, they’re not genuine athletes.
Equestrian – showjumping: take away the horses. If a rider needs a horse to jump over a fence, they’re not genuine athletes.
Fencing: introduce new categories for broadswords and scimitars. Abolish electronic scoring and replace with blood-loss system.
Football: make everyone call it soccer. Severe fines for anyone calling it football.
Golf: lobby the International Criminal Court in The Hague to prosecute for crimes against humanity the people responsible for including golf in the Olympics.
Handball: play with a tennis ball on the school quad. Make all players finish their lunch before starting.
Hockey: first of all, go back to playing on grass. Why don’t they play on grass? If we play on grass we can stop watering tennis courts to play hockey on. It’s called ‘field hockey’ isn’t it? Put it on a freaking field.
Also, the goals should be wider. And you should be allowed to score from outside the circle. And you should be able to hit the ball overarm.
Judo: Royal Commission into whether they’re really doing judo out there, or just screwing around. I think they’re just screwing around.
Marathon swimming: increase the number of carnivorous fish present on the course.
Modern pentathlon: as the pentathlon is designed to test the skills required of a 19th Century cavalry officer, only 19th Century cavalry officers should be allowed to enter.
Rhythmic gymnastics: every rhythmic gymnast should be required, before they begin their routine, to write and present a 3000-word essay on why they think their existence is justified.
Rowing: ramming to be allowed.
Rugby sevens: Jarryd Hayne should be on every team.
Sailing: add a degree of difficulty with the inclusion of pirates.
Shooting: shooters must eat everything that they shoot.
Swimming: prior to every race, the participants draw straws. The person who draws the longest straw gets to decide which liquid that race will be conducted in. The person who draws the shortest straw has to swim wearing full evening dress. There will be no lane markers in the pool.
Synchronised swimming: teams to be randomly determined by a lottery: no competitor is to be allowed to meet any other member of their team prior to the event.
Table tennis: players must stand on the table at all times.
Taekwondo: match results to be judged by shadowy warlords. Competition to be made up exclusively of those seeking revenge.
Trampoline gymnastics: see: rhythmic gymnastics.
Triathlon: if athletes start to get tired, they should, for ten minutes at a time, be allowed to hire a taxi.
Volleyball: play it on the beach.
Water polo: see: rugby sevens.
Weightlifting: returning the sport to its ancient Greek roots, weightlifting to be conducted entirely nude.
Wrestling: the use of chairs to be compulsory.
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