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After another couple of noodle-scratchers at Campbelltown yesterday in the white-knuckle Tigers and Titans showdown, it has become obvious that none of us have any idea about the rules of the game.
Following confusion towards Josh Hoffman’s unpunished knockdown and Ryan James’ illegal legal tackle in the Gold Coast’s famous win, not to mention the billions of other weekly decisions that baffle us, there’s no doubt we’ve experienced a concerning fall from grace as followers of the game.
What gives? It only seems like a few short decades ago that us flabby Joe Averages could’ve easily refereed first grade. Now we’d be lucky to have the smarts of a touch judge. What have we become?
Shame on us all for losing touch with the game’s simple labyrinth of laws.
I don’t want to hear anyone blaming knee-jerk governance or a rule book that resembles that of Cantonese Scrabble, because this is all our fault. We’ve really let ourselves down by constantly misunderstanding the game’s spasmodic guidelines.
In light of this, it is time for a refresher.
Drawing inspiration from Dan Liebke’s crystal-clear backyard footy rules from earlier this week, here is a revisit of the laws of the more thuggier professional game.
I can only hope this will help skew our better sensibilities back to rugby league normality in time for the next perplexing interpretation.
Point scoring
Any player successful in grounding the ball beyond the opponent’s goal-line will see his team awarded four points. All conversions and penalty goals are worth two points and field goals one point.
Tries are the primary manner for scoring points, as it provides greater opportunity for ad breaks.
At the end of 80 minutes, the winner will be the team with the most points. In some unusual cases, a team can also be a winner if they have covered the -4.5 start.
Tied matches
Should scores be tied at the end of regulation time, an additional period of five minutes each way will be played with the first team to score deemed the winner of the match.
This period of additional play is commonly referred to as Golden Point or ‘That Which Follows the Complex Coin Toss’.
Under no circumstances should these additional periods be subject to adjudication by the referees. They are to be played among a level of lawlessness so chaotic it is resistant to military rule.
Golden Point should see looting, upturned police vehicles and insurgents cruising around in a Hilux discharging assault weapons in to the sky. The referee’s whistle shall only be used as a means of attracting the attention of rescue services.
Tackling
The team without possession of the ball will attempt to prevent the attacking team from gaining ground and scoring points via the popular method of tackling.
A player in possession of the ball will be deemed ‘held’ when his momentum ceases, the ball becomes grounded, or he succumbs over the ball like a bloke who’s smothering his last cheeseburger from a pack of starving stoners.
In the event that the defensive side averts the myriad of potential foul play clauses to perform a dominant tackle, the referee will award a dominant tackle.
This allows the defenders to assert an advantage on the ball-carrier via a range of approved manoeuvres. Here they are permitted additional time to perform holds, pins, arm-locks, cobra-clutches, knee-bars and moves of such ilk, as long as there’s no wrestling.
Tackling the kicker
The safety of the kicker is of paramount importance, especially if they have a high profile.
When attempting to tackle a player kicking the ball, the defender must ensure the tackle is not:
a) Late,
b) High,
c) Too rough and unloving,
d) Unduly executed on any sensitive areas of the kicker, ie their person.
Playing the ball
At the completion of a tackle, the ball-carrier must commence the next phase via a play-the-ball.
This is deemed lawful when the player:
a) Stands to face the opponent’s goal-line, preferably after gyrating on the ground like a B-Boy experiencing seizures,
b) Places the ball on the ground
c) Rakes it back with the foot, or doesn’t,
d) Moves along, miraculously recovers from cramp, and/or goads marker
Sleepers
Any defender loitering in the play-the-ball area as an impediment will be deemed a sleeper. Sleepers are identified as those acting sloth-like and burdensome to retard quick play. Sleepers will be immediately penalised and given a senior position in The Bunker.
Forward pass
The ball must be propelled backwards from the hands of the player passing the ball. While ever the spotlight is focused on things like match-fixing and Robbie Farah, this rule will never really be in vogue. Due to this, some leeway on interpretation is allowed.
Unless so obvious that the ball-carrier appears he’s playing Dodgeball, most dubious passes can be filed under “flat” or blamed on the touchie.
Chase blockers or ‘escorts’
The escort rule will be breached if a chaser obstructs an opposition player from contesting a kick, except in the case where a chaser obstructs an opposition player from contesting a kick.
Double movement
In the process of scoring a try, the player in possession must not promote the ball from the position the ball has been grounded.
Actually, we’re kidding. The best way to sum up this law is to reveal it’s secretly labelled as the ‘Choose your own Adventure’ rule. In all honesty, just pick and choose. Split a deck of cards or something.
Penalty try
A penalty try may be awarded if, in the opinion of the officials, a try would have been scored but for the unfair play of the defending team.
Note: this can only be awarded if deemed beyond reasonable doubt that a try would’ve been scored. For example, a try must be scored.
Obstruction rule
Any runner for the attacking team who initiates contact with the defensive line will be deemed in breach of the obstruction law. This applies to all types of ‘runners’; block runners, flat runners, sweep runners, dummy half runners, Dexys Midnight Runners, the bloody lot.
We are dead-set serious. There is no place in the game for this. The only place runners should be initiating contact is on Tinder.
In addition, if a player gains an advantage by running behind a teammate, they will be penalised under the Richard Villasanti rule. That being, the only time you should run behind your teammate to gain an advantage is when you are trying to pinch his wallet.