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Day 6
If ‘The Two Ronnies’ were still a thing they would take great delight in discovering that the Canadian women’s rowing eight’s cox is Lesley Thompson-Willey.
New Zealand’s men’s rowing pair Hamish Bond and Eric Murray, undefeated in 68 races over seven years, finally deliver their country’s first gold medal, backing up their London success.
Unlike other athletes, Murray doesn’t have the Tinder app on his phone. Hey, he’s the sort of dude who doesn’t even have a phone – when you look like a 70s porn star things work out just fine the old fashioned way.
Michael Phelps, craftily disguised as Ryan Lochte, ups his personal gold medal tally to 22, removing any doubt that, to everyone except Canadian commentator Elliotte Friedman, he is the most famous person ever with the surname Phelps – surpassing Jim Phelps from “Mission Impossible” and Peter Phelps from “Stingers”.
The clumsy Opals get into early foul trouble against a Japan side familiar with the work of North Melbourne’s Lindsay Thomas. Initially struggling to contain centre Ramu Tokashiki, a very un-Japanese-like 6ft 4”, Liz Cambage gets off the phone to Bono and gets the Opals home 92-86.
Three-time winner on the European tour, Corowa’s Marcus Fraser is listed on Wikipedia as tipping the scales at 89kg. Where can I buy a set of those scales? On a day where Ricky Fowler and Bubba Watson hack around over par, Fraser coolly cards an 8-under 63, for a handy three shot lead.
Meanwhile, Rory, Jason, Jordan and Adam sleep soundly in their Zika-free beds, free of the awful horrors of these Games.
Channel Seven, having feasted on the women’s rugby sevens for days, suddenly goes cold on the sport, just as one of the biggest stories of the games plays out.
Viewers expecting live coverage of the supremely athletic Fiji team, on the verge of earning their country’s first ever gold medal, are instead offered the choice of a pool match in women’s hockey, a pool match in women’s basketball, or Kochie and the Cash Cow salivating repeatedly over Kyle Chambers’ grandparents.
With the program shifting to the men’s competition, any programmer with a true feel for sport will have tagged this final months ago, as an un-missable high point. But, without an Aussie hero angle, Channel Seven leaves it to wither in app land.
Ironically, if Jarryd Hayne had made the Fiji team, sevens rugby would have had its own hot button channel. It is a blessing that Fiji’s noble victory is not tainted by that circus.
Day 7
To the track for the first time, and Ethiopian Almaz Ayana, a mere wisp of a woman, smashing the 10,000 metres world record by so much, confused officials scramble to determine if she still has another lap to complete.
In the commentary box, Bruce rates it as suitably special, up there with Cyril Rioli lacing his boots up before training. His sidekick this year is Tamsyn Lewis-Manou, still trying to find something she’s good at.
Her presence at least spares viewers the execrable Jane Flemming, the Dean Jones of athletics commentary.
High drama in Brasilia as Hans Solo and the hot favourite USA women’s football side are eliminated in a quarter-final penalty shoot out by Sweden. Solo graciously brands the Swedes as “cowards” and rolls out the “better team lost tonight” line.
Stockholm shops suffer a stampede on miniature violins.
The final of the cycling’s ultimate powerhouse event, the men’s team pursuit, is a cracker, Australia leading early, only to be worn down by Sir Bradley Wiggins and his world record-breaking Great Britain team.
Added to more success in rowing, the soap dodgers start to make concerning strides up the overall medal ladder.
Australia’s counter-strategy is revealed, the truth behind the census debacle revealed. With total populated adjusted down from 24 million to seven million, Australia rockets to the head of the ‘Medals per capita’ table.
Perennial contenders New Zealand and Jamaica cry foul.
Day 8
Contrasting styles in the single sculls finals, Australia’s Kim Brennan going hard early, providing herself with the luxury of keeping all her opponents in view.
With the gold rush drying up in the pool, Brennan professionally handles the weight of a whole TV network’s expectation, and expertly times her glide into the finish.
New Zealand’s Mahe Drysdale tries a different approach, steadily working his way through the field to lead, until a brick wall and a charge by Croat Damir Martin, almost brings despair to a country heartily sick of silver medals.
Both scullers are given the same time but the photo reveals a cigarette paper width between them; Drysdale now a repeat Olympic gold medal winner.
Short odds that if Brennan hadn’t won the fact that Drysdale is Melbourne born would be getting a lot more prominence.
Two-time doper, US sprinter Justin Gatlin, breezes through his 100m heat, before curtly dismissing teammate Lilly King’s claim that he shouldn’t even be at the Games, “I don’t even know who she is – she does swimming, not track and field.”
Deflection 101; subtly avoid the question by turning the heat back onto the accuser. Gatlin needn’t worry, he’s not Russian, or a Chinese swimmer, so he must be clean, right?
The Australian women’s team pursuit, in the wake of a training crash, limp in to fifth place in 4:21.23, but trackside, smash the world record for the number of times the word “proud” is used in a single interview.
Great Britain meanwhile deal to the real world record, an astonishing new mark of 4:10.23, but have to anxiously endure a protest, accused of substituting their fourth rider for Gary Ablett Jr
Flag waver Anna Meares focuses too much on beating the guy on the motorbike and lets two other riders slip by, relegating her to Keirin bronze. Rookie error.
The margin between first and last is merely a bike length, showing just how hard it is to win an Olympic gold medal. Unless, according to Rick Charlesworth, you play women’s rugby sevens, and it’s a snack.
Australian medical room condom update; original allocation 10,000, current stock, 7,938. The women’s gymnastics team is given a terse warning not to waste them on making water bombs.