The Olympics are the ultimate test of human skill and endurance, so who will you grab from the Olympic village when zombies roam the Earth and Donald Trump is calling the shots?
Here are the Aussie Olympians I’d want fighting by my side in the real test of their prowess: the end of the world.
Chloe Esposito (modern pentathlon)
The inspiration for this piece, the modern pentathlon, is more or less a selection trial for who is the best all-round survivalist in the world
Can you protect yourself and your team (shooting)? Can you get outrun a zombie (running, swimming, horseriding)? Can you challenge your foes to a duel and win (fencing)?
With pentathlon gold around her neck, Esposito has been crowned the woman with most bases covered for when it really hits the fan, making her the clear first pick for my apocalypse survival crew.
Matthew Dellavedova (basketball)
Dellavedova has made his name in the NBA by doing whatever is necessary to help his team win. I’ll take his talent as a scrappy enforcer and apply it to helping this crew survive the harshest of conditions.
Need someone to do the dirty jobs around camp no one else will? Delly is your man. Need someone to ‘take out Old Yeller’? He’s your guy.
When the road gets rough (and is swallowed up), Delly will be there, bloody baseball bat in hand, plowing through.
Sharni Williams (rugby sevens)
Captain of the inspirational women’s rugby sevens team, Williams will lead this crew in style. A great all-round athlete, her strength, power, stamina and toughness will be a great asset to the team.
But it’s her commitment and determination to lead from the front that will see her rally this ragtag group of Aussie athletes and take them to the green and gold promised land.
Jared Tallent (walking)
Even though we only hear about him once every four years, Tallent is one of Australia’s greatest modern athletes. However, he earns his pick in this team because of his sheer amount of stamina.
Used to clocking up ungodly miles in training alone, then racing for 20 kilometres, then again for 50, Tallent is not going to be the guy who lags behind after a long day on the move. He’ll probably be out in front of everyone, scouting for the best road through the wasteland.
Joshua Robinson (javelin)
If The Walking Dead has taught me anything, it’s that team moral matters when the world ends; if you can’t unite your team, you’ll have warring factions quicker than you can sound your zombie alarm.
Robinson’s larrikin ways caught the eye in his javelin heat, and I’d have him as the moral centre of the team, getting next to members of the crew who are feeling down, bonding the team together with jokes and hijinks. You get the feeling he would be the first to lead them in a ‘Waltzing Matilda’ singalong.
Lastly, if we ever need to throw a stick, he’ll be handy for that too.
Ivan Popov (Greco-Roman wrestling)
At two metres and weighing 100 kilograms, this mountain of a man is the group’s muscle. As a wrestler he’ll throw any man to the ground in single combat, and he’s got the kind of cauliflower ears only years of grinding can achieve.
Popov could be deployed to intimidate any rival crews or simply just to help with the heavy work around the camp. Either way, this testament to manhood gets the final pick on his physical stats alone.
What do you think Roarers? Who have I missed? Which Australian Olympians would you want to have by your side when the worst-case scenario comes about?