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Forgetting Benji Marshall: What the hell does he do now?

27th August, 2016
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Benji Marshall's coming home. (AAP Image/Action Photographics, Robb Cox)
Expert
27th August, 2016
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3373 Reads

Is Benji Marshall’s career approaching a tragic finale? And is this the death knell for the game’s ‘we’ll fit you in somewhere’ attitude towards off-contract blokes in their 40s?

With no offers on the table and his Dragons career officially nuked, it seems the attacking artiste is set to be callously abandoned on the doorstep of footy’s facility for the aged.

It proves rugby league – the game built on loyalty – is now loyal to nothing except being a ruthless shrew.

Remember the days when free agents in their twilight would always find a home, no matter how many functional hamstrings they were down to? When supple rules and creative accounting could create ‘room on the roster’ at a club for an old stager who still had ‘something to offer’?

These were the grand old days of loose administration that helped Jason Smith reach 250 games on a final contract of tobacco.

The sad reality now is these sorts of sunset nicotine deals are a thing of the past, which is a real commercial shame, because we all know the kids love their smokes.

So what’s the prediction of the people? Will the 31-year-old Kiwi be granted one last chance to boost his super while being fitted for a Smokey Dawson chair? Or will the salary cap continue to bite, and thusly, blow?

Here’s his top life choices presented to you in the way most things are shoved down our throats these days – as a betting market.

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Media: $1.50
For a media darling like Benji, no wonder this is the standout option. He is an impressive orator and more savvy than those average 250-gamers with severe, long-term concussion. He’s engaging, candid and not Beau Ryan. Already he sounds appealing to network executives.

As any former great will tell you, talkin’ footy for money is an institution. What makes it such an attractive industry is the fact there’s no salary cap and they’ll take anyone. Basically, it’s all of the best parts of footy without the bone bruising and communal showering.

Almost unbackable.

Coaching: $4
Does Marshall have the chutzpah to deal with those day-to-day headaches of coaching, like juggling personalities and ushering out washed-up playmakers?

Becoming an a-hole disciplinarian over your former peers is usually the domain of those fiercely clinging to the last remnants of their footballing identity.

In fact, 98 per cent say they coach out of pure desperation to retain their rugby league selfhood. The remaining two per cent is Mal Meninga, who does it purely to nark Wayne Bennett.

I’m not sure mentoring suits Benji. Much like George Costanza’s God-given ability to parallel park, teaching kids about genius ankles and how to get caught in possession on the fifth tackle is pure instinct. These talents simply cannot be coached.

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Possible, but not probable.

Melbourne: $8
Blake Green is leaving the Storm. Marshall can point to Victoria on a map. What more do you need?

Benji has made it clear he is desperate to return to his trademark running game, where he was flamboyant and off-the-cuff. It would fit perfectly with Craig Bellamy’s style.

Take the silly price on offer. Frankly, I can’t see where this could go wrong.

Parramatta: $12
Not as crazy as you think. The Eels are in the market, and Brad Arthur needs an excuse to ensure Jeff Robson doesn’t renege on retiring.

However, if you viewed Parramatta as a pie chart of risk/reward, you’d probably never eat another pie again.

Take it in an each-way bet, with a failed third party agreement.

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England: $31
The Super League forms the trifecta with media and coaching as the mistreated fallback booty calls of the retired footballer. For earning such an honourable title after decades of being the last girl on the dance floor when the lights come on, it definitely deserves a mention.

Unfortunately though, Benji’s already ruled this out as an option. Plus he’s way too young to be playing Super League.

Newcastle: $51
The pitiful Knights organisation exists as a real option for Marshall while ever it maintains its wide range of unattractive qualities as an employer.

Newcastle are so hungry for talent they are linked with anything and everything. The other day, there were rumoured to be in discussions with a cupcake. The whisper grew legs, and next thing, Matt Gidley was on the phone to Sara Lee.

Shame it’s all rubbish though – they could do with the sugar high.

Benji joining forces with the Knights is a highly unlikely outcome, but at least there’s one thing going for it – he’s willing to take a paycut, and they have no money.

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